Surrendering to you
by clexa4ever
Summary: The immediate aftermath of the battle of the Mountain, after Lexa's betrayal. How will Clarke handle what she did in the Mountain if she stays by her people's side and not in exile? How will Lexa's actions in the Mountain reflect on her before her own people? How will these two find their way back to each other after everything that happened that fateful night?
1. Breaking News

Breaking news

_Lexa was sleeping in her bed at the nightbloods' dorm, looking up at the ceiling as she laid down her head on her arms and thought about everything that happened. The day had been extremely tiring for everyone, especially for her. She had just returned to the capitol with Anya, after finishing a mission the Commander had sent the young warrior on, when she was told to participate in the lesson of the day and by the afternoon, Titus had pushed them further in their training than ever before. It had almost looked like he was preparing them for something that would happen soon and at that very same night, she found out what that something was._

_She was woken up by the sound of hurried steps coming towards their quarters. Lexa had always been a light sleeper, being able to wake up when her senses registered movement, something that was quite useful when her brothers and sisters, all older than her, sometimes liked to play pranks on the youngest ones, that ability would allow her to escape them before they even reached her. She had also always had very accurate perceptions and her senses were always very sharp which she also relied upon. And so tonight was no different, she woke up and waited as the sounds grew louder, closer to the door and soon, the doors were opened, and the Flame keeper stood by the door looking at them before he sighed and called out._

"_**Nightbloods, wake up," **__He said and immediately, Lexa stood on her feet by her bed as the others started to wake up as well. She didn't fail to notice a bit of pride in his eyes when he saw her ready for whatever reason he was there. Within a couple of minutes, everyone had woken up and he sighed before closing the door behind him. _

"_**I have come here to announce something quite important to all of you as well as to all of our people,**__" He said to them as they waited with baited breath for what Lexa already knew would come out of the man's mouth._

"_**The Commander is dead,**__" Titus told them and the nightbloods were all shocked and surprised by the news though no one was sad about it. _

_Bosco kom Ingranrona Kru (The Plain Riders Clan) was not a loved and respected Commander by his people or by his nightbloods, he was quite a cruel and brute man and Lexa strongly believed his death was long time coming. She would even talk about it with other nightbloods how she was surprised that he had survived 8 years in command when everyone wanted to kill him. She had no good feelings for the man and was glad to see him gone but his death could only mean one thing for the nine novitiates and the thought of that broke her heart as Titus proceeded to tell them exactly what she has already figured out by herself._

"_**His body is being returned to Polis tonight and is expected to arrive in the next candle mark. I will start preparing his body for the funeral and the purification ritual. As for all of you, the preparations for the Conclave have started as it shall happen tomorrow morning, at first light. Tonight, you must prepare your body and your mind for tomorrow one of you will ascend as The Commander of the Blood. May Bosco's spirit choose wisely," **__He said to them before he moved out of the room and left the nightbloods to their own thoughts._

"_**Well, it was about damn time that bastard died," **__Bron said as he cracked his knuckles with a smirk on his face as Lexa looked at him along with all the others. _

"_**His death means the Conclave for us. Only you would be happy with the thought of slaughtering all of us, Bron. How Ice Nation of you," **__Dylan kom Louwoda Kliron Kru (Shallow Valley) said with a tone of disgust in his voice, as it was no shock that the Azgeda nightblood was the least liked member of their class. _

"_**Stop being such a prude, Dylan and grow up. From the moment we were all brought here, from the moment we were born, we knew this moment would come and what we would have to do once it did. I have accepted my fate and so should you,"**__ Bron said firmly irritated at the overly soft nightblood._

"_**How do you expect me to accept the idea that to survive I have to be ready to slaughter my own brother? My twin, who I shared our mother's womb with for nine months? Who has been my best friend since our birth?" **__Luna kom Trikru (The Woods Clan) asked the guy as she held her brother, Lyon's hand in hers, him looking as distraught as she was. _

"_**It's not ours or our people's problem that you are siblings and also nightbloods, is it? They must have a Commander and it must be one of us so why don't you all shut up so I can concentrate?" **__Tabitha____kom DelfiKru (Delphi Clan) said in her monotonous voice. It was the hardest thing to get a glimpse of human emotion from the girl except the perpetual bored looked she wore ever since she came to live with them._

"_**You and Bron deserve each other. You are both heartless, insensitive and unfeeling people and should commandership fall into one of your hands, our people will be worse off than they ever wore with Bosco and since the man was a lunatic, that is saying something,"**__ Luna said angrily to the girl who only smirked at her in return. _

"_**Now, now, Luna. You are getting ahead of yourself. You and Lyon will be competing but who knows? Maybe one of you will get killed before you need to face each other? Would you like me to ensure that for you? Want me to kill your brother?"**__ Tabitha said in a serious tone although the hidden sarcasm could be heard through each word and Luna was about to cross the room and start the Conclave right at this moment but Lexa held her back and so did Lyon._

"_**Do not engage in her provocations, Luna**__. __**It is exactly what she wants, to rile you up so you will make a mistake she can exploit. You are better than that, sister," **__Lyon said to his sister and she looked at him before nodding. _

"_**How weak are you Luna? Even the kid hasn't complained about the idea of dying tomorrow and yet, all you have done until now is to throw a tantrum about how unfair everything is for you and your little brother,"**__ Bron said to Luna and Lexa turned to look at him. _

"_**And who exactly says anything about me dying tomorrow Bron?"**__ She asked him in her calm and undisturbed manner that usually unnerved those she chose to apply it to as he looked at her and scoffed. _

"_**What? You think you can win? You think you can win against Tabitha, me?"**__ He asked her and Lexa simply and very calmly crossed her arms behind her back and stared him down._

"_**Am I supposed to be afraid of you or Tabithat? Considering the very well-known fact that I have never truly lost a battle to either one of you before, I would say, yes, I do think I can win. Or at the very least, get rid of you both,"**__ She said impassively. _

"_**Lexa is right though, Bron. She is better than you, better than most of us not just at fighting but at everything else. It's no coincidence she is the Flame keeper's favorite. I think I will watch out for her more than I will watch out for you**__," Marlo kom Yuljeda Kru (Broadleaf Clan) said smirking. He was a funny guy, always try to make everyone laugh. Lexa liked him a lot and she would be sad if she had to kill him._

"_**It will be my pleasure to crush your skull, Marlo. To hear my axe break the bones in your head will be music to my ears and I will remember those sounds forever and they will bring joy to me,"**__ Bron said to him and the guy simply shrugged, not fearful of the threats at all. _

_Bron turned to Lexa, "__**When I become Commander, my first act will be wipe out the Trikru from existence. You and your people are nothing but scum,"**__ He said with fury and disgust in his eyes but she wasn't fazed by it and it was actually Lyon who answered him._

"_**All the clans know that the only scum we have is the Ice Nation, full of dishonorable warriors following a mad Queen who cares little about the suffering of her own people and despite being here and away from that place for years, you are not different. You turned out the same as the rest and I hope that whoever wins this Conclave, which I assure it will not be you, will get rid of the Ice Nation once and for all,"**__ Lyon said passionately and others were nodding their heads since no one had any lost love to the icy clan._

"_**Lyon is right. Ice Nation is the worst of the worst and you are too, Bron. I may not win this conclave but I guarantee you won't either,**__" Marlo said, followed by Trini kom Podakru (Lake People). She was someone who had lost her brother and her mother to a war against the Azgeda so one could say she had a personal problem with Bron's clan._

"_**Their extermination should have been done a long time ago**__," She said and Tabitha, Daren kom Ingranrona Kru, who a kind of ally of the Azgeda nightblood, and Bron himself started to argue with Dylan, Trini, Marlo, Lyon and Luna about whose clans should be exterminated as Lexa just watched and heard what they were saying but when she heard someone mention butchering little kids, she had enough._

"_**SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!"**__ She yelled at them and they all stopped talking and turned to look at her. _

_They all knew her to be a quiet child, who more often than not stunned them every time she let them see what she was capable off as well as not being very open about herself. Even as a younger child, she never told them anything about who she was before except her clan, they had no idea about her parents, any family member or anything like that. From the 10 years in which she had lived in Polis, Lexa had never raised her voice against them, against anyone for the matter. Whatever she need to say, she always said it but never raised her voice to do it and now she just yelled at them. They could do nothing but obey and shut up._

"_**Are you listening to the barbarities you're saying?"**__ She asked them and she was livid which it was a rare but pretty scary sight to see, they judged, "__**Exterminating a clan? Murdering innocent people? Slaughtering families, children? What kind of people are you?"**__ She said to them walking to the center of the room where she could look at all of them. "__**We may come from different clans and there may be bad blood between them but you are talking about our**__**people. My people**__," She said to them as they listened,_

"_**I may be from the Woods Clan but I care about Shallow Valley, Rockline, Broadleaf, Ice Nation, all of them as you all should do it too! We are novitiates and one of us will be Commander tomorrow, and as such our loyalty is to our people, not solely our clan. The only ones who rejoice in the division of our people is the Mountain Men, can't you see that? We can never win against them if we are too busy scrabbling against each other when we should be working together to free our people from the terror they have inflicted upon us for almost a hundred years**__," She said to them as they listened to her words of reprimand._

"_**If all you care about is the power being Commander will give you, about how many of the people you dislike you can kill, then you are not worthy the color of the blood you have running in your veins and I am ashamed to call you my brothers,"**__ She said finally calming down. _

"_**If this is all you have to offer should you win the Conclave, then I will make sure to win just so that I can prevent my people from suffering under any of your commands**__,"_

"_**The people deserve a Commander that will care for their needs, that will protect them and their families to the best of their abilities from those who wish them harm. They deserve someone who will give a damn about them and their future and by what I just saw, that someone is clearly none of you. Butchering children? What kind of monsters are you? Those children are your children, my children, our children. You don't deserve to be here. You don't deserve your night blood. You are a disgrace to the Blood. Becca PramHeda would be ashamed if she could see and hear you now**__,"_

"_**I had not made my decision before, having been feeling conflicted with the idea of killing you, the people I grew up with, shared my meals with, shared my blood with but you have helped me make that decision now. I will honor your deaths as well and as honorably as possible but comes tomorrow, I will fight with every bit of strength and passion I have in me and make no mistakes, I may be the youngest but I will win. I was born to be the Commander and I will do so and once I have taken my throne, I will give my people the best chance at a good life that I possibly can. The life they deserve,**__" She said firmly and finished her speech as she noticed that they were speechless._

_What was there left to say? None of them could find the words to fight her back on hers. Even Tabitha and Bron could not say anything against what their youngest companion said and could only look at her in awe. The others were having similar thoughts while also being afraid a little, Lexa has always been very good, always receiving the highest grades and the highest praises from their instructors, she was the youngest of them to be given a First to train her as a warrior._

_If memory served them correctly, under Anya kom Trikru's guidance, Lexa had already fought in many battles and the last two wars. She was a remarkable warrior with just 12 years old, as well as the smartest one among them. If she was saying that tomorrow she would do her best to win, they were sure she was not saying it without meaning those words and for that, they started fearing for their lives, though some were more in denial than others. However, they were broken from the silence that seemed to stretch after the end of her speech when the doors were opened and a member of the Order came for them._

"_**Flamekeepr Titus requires your presence in the throne room**__," He warned them and they all nodded their heads understanding that it was time for the passing ritual. _

_Lexa was the first one to change her nightly, sleeping clothes and to move out of the room to wait for the others to do the same and join her. She thought about what she had said to them and felt the determination to see things through. For some time now, she had been wondering about if she should fight her brothers and sisters to be the Commander or if she should just accept to die and let the others be it. Her decision was made now. Not only would she fight to be Commander, she would be the best Commander her people has seen since Becca Pramheda._

_She has dreamt for so long of a world in which so many of them don't have to die in pointless wars waged by leaders who only want more power and who forget who and why they are fighting for. Where war and death are not the only things they would know. When she was allowed, Lexa would walk around Polis, see the houses and the ruins and imagine everything that she would do to change it all and make things better for those living in their capitol. Create a larger healing tent in the middle for the most life-threatening injuries and smaller ones all around Polis for the minor injuries._

_Create a school where the children could learn how to read. She even started to think about a way to write books in their language as well so that their stories could be told to future generations in their own way. She thought about those things a lot but she judged how small she was and that maybe she was not capable of completing those tasks, that she would die before given the people a chance at a more peaceful life. But now those doubts were gone. Whether she thought herself capable or not, she would have to be for her people._

_Soon enough, more of the others joined her and once they were all in line, the member escorted them towards the throne room where they saw the Commander's body resting on a table covered by a white sheet with candles lighting the room as people were there to oversee the Conclave and the Ascension of their new leader. Once inside, the nightbloods were each given a pair of gloves and were made to stand in lines before they bended their knees and their head in respect to their fallen Commander as the ritual demands even if not done out of respect._

_Bron, as the eldest being 18 years old, was the first one to stand up and walked towards the small table where the purifying powder was in the container. He lifted the lid of the container and grabbing an amount of the red powder before moving towards the table and dropping the powder over the body of the man who he could be succeeding in a few hours, either in death or in power. He desperately hoped that it was the latter. _

"_**May the Spirit of the Commander choose me**__," He said before nodding his head and returning to his place but standing on his feet. Tabitha, 18 but a few months younger than Bron, went next and did the same thing, saying the same line before returning to her place._

_Daren, 17; Marlo, 17; Trini, 16; Dylan, 15; Luna and Lyon, 14, went next and they all did the same thing, and said the same thing as all the others since it was the tradition and it was Lexa's turn so she stood up, grabbed the powder and dropped over the body. _

"_**May the Spirit guide me when I become Commander,"**__ She said as everyone was surprised by the breaking the tradition and by the sheer determination and unwavering certainty in the little girl's voice as she said those words and as she returned to her place with the others shuffling awkwardly in their places. The Flamekeeper stood in front of them and the others and started speaking. _

"_**Bosco of the Plain Riders has passed but the Spirit of the Commander lives on and is ready to choose. Today, a new Commander will rise and we shall rise along with the chosen one**__," He said to the crowd as the first sun rays started shinning thought indicating that the sun was about to rise in the sky before turning to them. _

"_**Nightbloods, the time for the Conclave has come. Your First and a member of the Order will accompany you to prepare and then lead you to your places. May the Spirit choose wisely,**__" Titus said and the nightbloods nodded._

_Each of them joined their Firsts, including Lexa who was joined by Anya, who proceeded to escort her way from the room. "__**You look tense, child**__," The warrior said and Lexa looked at the woman with whom she spent the last 5 years with. _

"_**I am not tense, I am anxious. There is a difference**__," Lexa said as she rolled her eyes at the warrior and Anya snorted at the obnoxious nightblood she had grown to care for despite her reluctance and cold image. _

"_**Must you always be obnoxious?**__" Anya asked her former second and Lexa smirked at her. _

"_**Must you always be a bitch?**__" She said and Anya chuckled as they entered the elevator. _

_To be continued…_


	2. Conclave

The Conclave

_Once they arrived at the designated place for Lexa to wait for the summon and for the battle, the young nightblood immediately started to change her clothes into her battle armor: a dark green long-sleeved shirt, black pants, knee high boots and the armor with the sigil of her clan in the front of it. Every nightblood once they pass the age of eleven are eligible to fight the conclave, so they must choose their outfit and Lexa designed her own. Inside of the arm's piece she wears, there are three small knives in each side. Just in case, she loses her main weapons and can't grab another in time, she had the secret compartments made so she could surprise however was attacking her and kill them before they could kill her._

_Anya just stood to the side and watched her. She had no been thrilled when she had been called by Indra to meet a nightblood child the Commander had directed to be her second. She had not wanted one, at least not that time but it was a direct order she couldn't go against it and when she entered the room, there it was a small looking child who stared her dead on the eyes with a strength she had no seen in many of her fellow warriors. The girl definitely intrigued her but she kept her cold posture so she could teach the girl what she needed to know and as she stood by now and watched Lexa prepare herself for this life changing moment, she couldn't be more sure that she was in fact standing before the next Commander._

"_**So what is your plan, child**__?" She asked and Lexa, once ready having finished tying the last straws of her clothes and fixing the braids on her hair, turned to her. _

"_**My plan is to win but if you are asking about my battle strategy, I will not speak of it here. Who knows if the walls have ears? You know I don't trust Azgeda to play fair, better not give them any advantage. Isn't that what you taught me?**__" Lexa asked the woman and Anya smirked and nodded. _

"_**And finally, it seems you have actually learned something**__," Anya said and Lexa smiled back at the woman she came to consider almost like a big sister._

"_**In any way, I will do my best and do you proud as I said I would the day you took me as your second**__," Lexa said and Anya sighed pushing herself away from the wall she was leaning against and coming to stand in front of the young girl. _

"_**Of that, I have no doubt. You are a great warrior and most importantly, you fight for your people, all of them. There is nothing else you need to be able to win. You have the skills and the motive. You will win, I know it and once you do, it will be my honor to serve you as Commander**__," Anya said and Lexa hugged her._

_There were many times during her training when Anya would beat her for no reason while teaching her some lesson she didn't understand the necessity of, during those times she would doubt if the woman had come to care for her at all, especially since she had come to care for her first. Lexa had always admired Anya as a warrior since the moment they met and was delighted to learn she would be her second. She gave her best, did almost everything Anya asked of her, only questioning her when she disagreed with what the woman proposed._

_But at moments like this, in the brink of a battle when she would be visibly worried and concerned or at night when, she would lay on the woman's tent and she would let Lexa crawl on her bed to hug her to sleep, Lexa knew that Anya cared for her and she considered the woman part of the family she didn't have. Anya was the big sister she never had and she would always have a place in her heart for the woman. _

"_**Fight, Lexa. Fight**__," Anya said and she nodded as they started to hear the crowd that was gathered and Titus' voice as he made his speech._

_He started calling the names of the other nightblood and Lexa knew she would be the last one given her age but she looked at Anya who nodded at her, trying to convey encouragement for what was about to happen to which Lexa couldn't help but be thankful for and they started to make their way out and towards the podium. _

"_Lyon kom Floukru," Titus called and the boy came forward, "Accept the sigil of your clan and fight with honor as their champion," Titus said and put the necklace on the boy and motioned for him to take his place besides his sister before he called her name. _

"_Alexandria kom Trikru," He called as she made her way through the crowd and went up to the stage. "Accept the sigil of your clan and fight with honor, as their champion," He said and put the necklace around her neck and she went to the banner of her clan as Titus faced front and the crowd made silence to hear his words. _

"_**In this moment, we shall start the Conclave. A battle to the death within the walls of Polis. The novitiates will fight until only one remains, when that novitiate collects all the sigils from the fallen and deliver them to me, they will be declared the victor and ascend as our new Commander**__," He said as Lexa focused her attention on her people, the reason she would win._

"_**We honor those who fall by the sword but follow the One who wields it the best**__," He finished before he turned to them, "__**Now, you will go and choose your weapons, while we prepared the battlefield for the start. Once is ready, you will be called and only then will the battle begin. Go,**__" Titus said and they nodded as they left the podium going to the weaponry and training pit followed by their mentors. Luna and Lyon went for the spears. Bron chose an axe, Tabitha chose bow and arrows, Dylan chose the two daggers and so on._

_Lexa has an idea of which weapon she would choose but before she could move to get them, Anya stopped her. "__**My First gave this to me as a gift after my first battle as a warrior along the advice to always wield it for the greater good of my people and now I do the same to you**__," She said and removed the two swords she had on her back and offered them to Lexa who looked at them and at the warrior for a while before taking the weapons offered. _

"_**How did you know I would choose two swords instead of one? Even I wasn't sure about it until a few moments ago,**__" She asked and Anya smirked at her._

"_**I trained you for more than five years. While most warriors that choose a sword can only handle it with their dominant hand, you can do it with both very well, the best I have seen in a while, it was an obvious choice**__," She answered the question and Lexa nodded. _

"_Thank you, Anya. This means a lot to me," Lexa said and Anya nodded before she continued, "Can I ask you a favor?" Lexa said. _

_Anya nodded intrigued that she would ask her anything given how independent the girl always seem to be. "__**Yes. What is it?**__"_

"_**I know it is not part of the tradition of the Conclave but I would be honored if I could use your war paint?**__" Lexa said and this time Anya was shocked. Lexa was right, no novitiate wore war paint from their clan at the Conclave, only the nightblood who won would wear the Commander's war paint design but Lexa had already broken tradition once today during the purification ritual, what was another? _

"_**The honor would be mine, little Commander**__," Anya said and went to prepare it and once she did, she painted Lexa herself. "__**May this give you the strength to do what needs to be done and win**__," Anya said and Lexa nodded at her just as a member of the Order called out._

"_**Mentors, to the tower. Novitiates, to your flights**__," He said and walked away. _

"_**Your fight is not over, little one. It has only just begun**__," Anya said with certainty in her voice._

_Lexa nodded as the woman left along with the other mentors before the novitiates walked out and towards the streets of Polis and they all were separated to go to their starting places. Lexa's was in front of the tower. As she got there, she looked at the sigil of her clan and pulled out her swords as she turned towards the front and awaited for what seemed like forever but it was only a few second before she heard the horn sounds indicating that the conclave had started and that in the next few moments her destiny would begin._

_She took a deep breath and twirled her swords before she took a step forward and started running towards the left. She was not very tall yet so she knew she could hide if she wanted to but they deserved better than for her to hide out and wait for them to slaughter themselves. If she would win this, she would do so with honor. She continued making her way through the streets, always checking her surrounding when she made a turn and was faced with Marlo who stopped also when he saw her._

"_**So we meet, little sister**__," He said to her using a nickname he had given her when she first got here and she nodded \t him. _

"_**We do, stupid,**__" She said in turn using the nickname she had given him which didn't fail to bring a smile out of him before they both took a fighting stance. _

"_**Are you ready to die?**__" He asked her while she just stared at him. _

"_**I will make it quick**__," She answered him and he nodded before he yelled out and moved towards her with his sword and swung at her but she dodged to the side and cut his leg as he swung his sword back and cut her arm. They stared off again before she made her move and attacked him again and again as he defended with his shield and hit her in the face with it, breaking her nose as the blood started dripping._

_He moved to swing his sword at her, to strike her but she was prepared for him this time and at the last minute, she dodged, sliding forward on her knees through the ground while swinging her sword and cutting him on his stomach as she passed by him coming up to stop behind him, running her sword at the back of his knees making him fall to the ground. Then, she stood up and moved to stand in front of him as he looked at her with blood dripping from his mouth. _

"_**Your fight is over, brother. May you find peace in the next life**__," She said and he nodded at her as she ran her sword through his heart, removing it as he breathed his last breath._

_He fell to the ground and she took his necklace putting around hers before moving forward as she noticed the member of the Order who was watching them left, probably to announce the death of one of them. She continued walking and soon she came to a clearing and noticed something was not right about it, her senses were alerting her that danger was near so she waited and soon enough, she felt someone come from the back and jump on her as she deflected only to have an arrow struck her near the hip and she knew she was fighting more than one person at a time so she managed to roll away and hide from them._

_She then gritted her teeth and broke the tip of the arrow that had come out in front and pulled the arrow as she heard voices say, "__**Come out, come out, wherever you are Lexa. You swore you would kill us, now is your chance. Come and fight us for your people**__." _

_She heard Tabitha's voice, took a deep breath, gathered her weapons and walked out and into the open and she saw three of them facing her. Tabitha, Daren and even Trini. Lexa walked further as they closed in on her forming a triangle around her._

"_**We didn't want this Lexa but none of us wants to die today**__," Trini said and Lexa nodded. _

"_**I know. Maybe one day, I can change the Conclave and we no longer will have to slaughter each other**__," She answered to the older girl with kindness in her voice as it was also painful for her having to kill them so she could survive. _

"_**You really think that you are going to win, don't you? Bron is still alive and is out for your blood. There is no way you can win**__," Tabitha said sarcastically and Lexa just titled her head but said nothing in return. _

"_**Enough talking. We do this now**__," Daren said to his two companions and Lexa nodded her head at them to let them know she was ready as she took in a fighting stance._

"_**Shall we**__?" Lexa said to them and Tabitha was the first to move to her and swung her sword at her but Lexa dodged it as she ducked down and rolled out of the way to avoid Daren's hammer and raised her sword to defend from Trini's spear, pushing it away and using her other sword to deeply cut through Trini's belly while her blood splattering on Lexa's face. And as Daren came running towards her, the youngest nightblood used the column in front of her to step on it and flip backwards as she raised her swords and slashed Daren in his back before twirling around and meeting Tabitha's sword holding it steady as the girl put pressure on it. _

_Lexa noticed that Daren was getting up so she used her strength to push the girl back as Daren swung at her again and she defended before kicking him in the leg and slitting his throat as Tabitha attacked her again tackling her to the ground as her swords fell out of her hands. Tabitha straddled her and started throwing punch after punch on her face. Lexa raised her arms to protect her head but then the girl just moved to punch her in the chest and ribs which ended up breaking one or two along with it. _

_So while the girl was busy rotating where to punch between her chest and her face, who was bloodied now, Lexa quickly held one of Tabitha's arms breaking it as she punched the girl in the face and changed their position, straddling her as she threw the punches now and when the girl did the same as her and protected her face, Lexa went for the neck and grabbed it with both her hands putting pressure on it. Tabitha moved her arms from her face and tried to swing at Lexa but the lack of oxygen made the attacks sloppy so the younger girl was able to defect them, putting more pressure and soon enough, there was no more life in the girl's eyes._

_Lexa let go then but to be sure she took one of the knives she had and drove on the girl's chest, pulling it back. She stood up, clutching her ribs and her wound and looked at her fallen friends. "__**Your fights are over. May the Spirit guide you in peace to the next life**__," She said before she grabbed their sigils, her swords and continued on moving. The sun was beginning to simmer down when she came to a scene she had hoped she would not see._

_Luna and Lyon were fighting each other. Brother and sister. Twins. Lexa knew that whoever won that fight would never be the same again. The two of them were really close and Lexa knew how hard this would be for either one of them, especially to the one who survived and had to live with the guilt of having killed the other one. She was watching them go head to head when she heard a noise and hid out of view as a member of the Order came close to observe who would win the fight to report to the Flame Keeper as it was his duty. From where she was, Lexa could see the fight too but she already knew the winner._

_Luna was a much better fighter than Lyon and Lyon was much more compassionate than Luna. He would never be able to kill his sister even if he somehow bested her so she knew Luna would win and as Lexa watched her run her spear through her brother's body, she knew the girl drove one on her own as well. He let go of his spear that fell to the ground with a thud and he fell down along with it but into his sister's arm as she caught him and lowered them both to the ground as she held him whispering what Lexa could only judge was an apology filled of regret._

_The member noticed when Lyon breathed his last breath and left Luna to her grieving and as he left, Lexa came out of hiding and headed for the girl who didn't even look up as Lexa kneeled down beside them and swiped her hand on his face closing his eyes, as Luna continued to cry. _

"_I should have let him kill me. I should have died. Not him," Luna said with tears falling freely down her face as Lexa looked at her. _

"_He never would have killed you because he had always wanted for you to live. If he could have chosen, I know he wouldn't have changed this outcome and deep down, you know that too," Lexa said to her friend._

_Luna and Lyon were the closest one to her in age so when she first came to Polis, they were the first one to try and get closer to her and she let them, they were her friends and she was always sad about the possibility that they would have to kill each other but she always knew it was worse for them which made her feel sorry. _

"_**Those were his last words. That I had to live or his death would mean nothing. I can't stay here but I don't want to die either, Lexa. I have to leave. I have to go**__," Luna said to her and Lexa nodded understanding her._

"_**I know. You should go to the Boat People, the Order will try to hunt you down but I won't let them. You can make a life for yourself there, one where you can honor him**__," Lexa said and Luna nodded at her. _

"_Promise something, that when you're Commander, you will be different. That you will fight to end the bloodshed, that you will show them a better way than this," Luna begged of her as she held Lexa's hand in hers and squeezed it._

"_That is exactly what I plan to do, you have my word. I will find a way to end this and to have peace instead of war, no matter the cost," Lexa vowed and Luna nodded looking once more at her brother before ripping his sigil and giving to Lexa as well as her own._

_Lexa took them and secured around her neck and helped Luna put her brother down and they said goodbye to him together before they stood up. They heard noises and looked at each other. _

"_**If you want to escape you need to go now, I will find Bron and fight him, that should draw the others away from you and you can get out unnoticed**__," Lexa said and Luna nodded offering her arm, Lexa gripped it. _

"_**The Spirit chose wisely. May it guide you**__," Luna said to her and Lexa nodded. _

"_**May you find peace too, my friend," **__Lexa said and as the noises came closer. _

_They both ran in different directions as Lexa made sure to draw the attention to herself so Luna could escape. Lexa was mentally wishing that Luna would be okay. It would be hard but she had confidence that the girl would honor Lyon's wishes and live her life, help others. And with that Lexa ran. There were only two people left besides her, Dylan and Bron. She would hate to kill the former but the latter, she was ready for him. _

_And she found the two of them fighting in the middle of Polis near the tower and the sun was fading away faster and faster. As Lexa watched them, she realized that she had almost killed them all, except three of them, the rest were her kills. She felt bad about it but she would honor their deaths, even Bron's. He didn't deserve it but they spent ten years living together, it was the least she could do. She focused back on the fight in time to see Bron swing his axe and cut of Dylan's head that rolled out and ended up by her feet as she looked at it. _

"_**Your fight is over. May the Spirit guide in peace to the next life**__," She said to him hoping the next life would be better for him._

"_**I knew it would be you and me in the end, kid**__," Bron said as she looked up to see him looking at her with a smirk on his face. "__**I knew you would come for me last so I waited for the others to die so it would be just you and me**__," He said as she walked toward him. _

"_**Did you have to cut off his head**__?" She asked him referring to Dylan. _

"_**Well, no but I wanted to**__," He said and smirked as he pointed his axe at her before twirling it around as he spoke, "__**They are all watching us, the last novitiates. The last showdown.**__"_

_Lexa looked around the place they were in and indeed, a high number of the members were there as she expected them to be. She hoped Luna has escaped the capitol and their crutches already. "__**So what do you say, kid? Shall we end this?**__" Bron asked her and she nodded._

"_**I am ready,**__" She said and raised her sword as did he. _

"_**Very well.**__" With that, they started circling each other, waiting, watching, studying. Lexa knew he was stronger and Bron knew she was faster so they knew that they would have to kill the other quickly, the problem was neither was willing to make the first move. Finally, Bron decided he had enough and moved towards her and their weapons clashed together in a series of attacks and defenses as they both tried to end it quickly however they couldn't._

_Lexa dodged out of the way after he delivered a hard blow, he turned to her and attacked again as she defended herself before a change in position and direction allowed her to begin to attack him, quickly, in fast speed while he tried to defend himself as fast as he could but he knew that he would lose that way so he made a choice and was able to throw both of their weapons away as Lexa had no choice but to step back. _

"_**We will do this the hard way.**__" He said out of breath raising his fists as she did the same. _

"_**And**__**so we shall**__." Lexa agreed and within no time at all, he came at her._

_He swung his arms but she ducked and punched him hard in the stomach and moved out of the way from his next punch, delivering one of her own on his ribs but unfortunately she didn't duck the next one fast enough and he clocked her right at her arrow wound, so she hissed out in pain. After that one got in, Bron was on a roll and punched her in the face as she fell to the ground, hard, at the same time it started to rain on them._

"_**You know. You fought well, kid. But it was a delusion to think you would win against me. I will be the Commander as it should be. Don't worry, it will all be over soon for you**__," He said as he came to stand above her and she looked up to him._

_Before he could do anything, she kicked his legs making them buckle, forcing him onto his knees and in the time that it took him to fall to the ground, Lexa twirled around on the floor, got up on her feet, got a good grip on his neck and broke it as the big figure slumped forward towards the ground as she stood above his now lifeless body. _

"_**For the first and last time, I will agree with you, Bron. It is over**__," She said as she grabbed his sigil and Anya's swords, putting them on her back as she made her way to the tower._

_She rode the elevator and walked out of it and into the room with the pose of the title she would soon bear until her last breath. She walked inside the throne room and past the candles and the leaders as she came to stop in front of the throne and Titus. She looked at him and pulled the necklaces from around her neck and gave it to him who counted the numbers and nodded. "__**Alexandria of the Woods Clan is victorious**__," He said and she looked at the throne._

_And making her decision, she climbed the steps and came to stand in front of it, thinking of all those that died for this moment, for her triumph, before she turned around to face the crowd and sat down on it, on her throne. Soon enough, Anya was the first one to call her Heda and kneel, Titus was the next and slowly everyone was on their knees and she looked out at them. Now, she was responsible for them and she would honor the promises she made. She would lead her people to a better future. She steeled her gaze. Her life started now._


	3. Past Regrets

Regrets

The moment she heard the words she knew what would happen.

Lexa was 23 years old, or close to be given that her birthday was but a few months away. She had been Commander for the past eleven years of her life, having been only 12 years old when her predecessor died in a fruitless battle he waged against an Ice Nation and Rockline Clan alliance and the novitiates were forced into the Conclave. She had been the youngest novitiate of her class with being six years younger than the eldest one of them, Bron kom Azgeda, but by far, she was always the best student Titus had in the years which he had been Flamekeeper, according to his own words spoken to her many times over the years.

Ever since Lexa was really young, close to 5 years old, she knew what being Commander would mean for her, for her future, for her life in general. It would mean she would need to sacrifice anything for the greater good of her people, absolutely anything. It meant that she had no wants as Lexa anymore, that what Heda wanted for her people should always come first. Her duty was more important than anything else. She knew that and went along with it once she became Commander, after all those were the lessons she had learned from Titus since she could remember being in his presence.

Love is weakness. To be Commander is to be alone.

She lived by those ideals for two years, a little more a little less. Until one fateful day, when she had been practicing with Gustus, she got hurt, a minor cut to the arm but still enough to alarm people and after much plastering from her bodyguard, she finally went to the healer's tent and instead of seeing Mason, the chief healer of Polis the one she was already used to, she was met with his daughter, Costia, and the moment she saw the dark skinned girl, her heart seemed to have found another owner and it would not obey her wishes anymore. It wanted her as did Lexa.

Costia, unlike the others and her people, had no problem berating her for being stupid enough to get cut during practice, despite being the first time they had met and also despite knowing full well who, or rather what Lexa was. No one spoke to her that way since the day she won her conclave, not even Anya which got Lexa stumped at first and even more interested in the girl. After that day, Lexa would always come to the tent, faking some injury or asking for the girl to come to the tower and have a surprise prepared for her. Everyone in Polis could see that their Commander was falling in love and they were happy for her.

Ever since Lexa took command, there had been less wars and battles and there were talks that she wanted to unite the clans so they admired her. But she was also just teenager, she deserved to have love so while she started with the plans of her Coalition, Lexa started a relationship with the girl and it was well known that Costia graced the Commander's bed day in and day out. Two years later, when Lexa was almost 16, she had nine clans in her Coalition besides Trikru and had just returned to Polis from securing the 11th clan and was excited to tell Costia when she entered her room and all she was greeted with was a box on top of her bed.

She had wondered if the girl had already heard the good news that most certainly reached the capitol before Lexa herself did and had prepared some gift for her to celebrate the victory and quickly moved towards it, opening the lids and being faced with something that would haunt her for the rest of her life. Costia's decapitated head. Lexa screamed and Gustus along with Anya and Indra who had been outside the room talking about the latest victory all barged in the room, afraid for their Commander's safety, instead found Lexa's body shaking by the box. Gustus moved to her side, saw the content in the box and immediately pulled her away as she let him, being numb. Anya and Indra looked inside and gasped at what they saw.

Anya found a note on the inside of Costia's mouth and opened it. She read that Azgeda accepted to join the Coalition and as she heard that, Lexa reacted. She burned with anger and desire for revenge but Anya talked her through it and in the end, she decided that the best way to honor Costia was not sentence people to die in her name but secure the peace they have talked about it so many times in bed. Alone in her room later though, Lexa trashed the place, chairs were broken, tables were turned, vases were smashed, etc.

After that, Lexa closed herself off of any feelings she could have, swearing that she would not let herself be weak like that again for anyone, that she would care for her people but only them. No one would have her heart again, since she had locked it away safely from those kinds of feelings. She slept with other women over the years, too many of them but never loved a single one for them, they were just there for pleasure but gone as soon as it was over, never once staying through the night. She never thought she would love again.

That was until the Sky crashed on the ground and she fell for the sky girl with sun on her hair.

Clarke.

The one person that made her feel alive again, made her love again, even without ever gracing her bed, ever going further than one kiss before battle. With the sheer strength of who she was and the strength of her heart broke down, better yet tore down Lexa's walls to ashes. Lexa tried to pull them back up but with just one look into those beautiful blue eyes, it was pointless to even try so she just accepted it and wondered if the girl would ever return her feelings and in that kiss and with what she said after, she knew Clarke did feel for her and for the first time in five years, Lexa dared hope that she could be happy again with the blonde by her side.

But as soon as she heard the words come out of the Mountain Man, Emerson's mouth offering the deal, two things became perfectly clear to her in that precise second. One, she would take the deal. She couldn't not take it. She couldn't refuse it no matter how much she wanted to. It was the safety of her people that was in the balance. There was no way around it, she needed to do her duty, Lexa would do her duty no matter what. And two, she would lose Clarke because of it. The blonde would hopefully maybe one day understand her decision but Lexa knew that she would never have her forgiveness. She would lose her before she even had her.

Lexa thought about the offer, trying to find a loop hole she could exploit, another way in which she could avoid betraying Clarke, a way in which they wouldn't have to have their hearts broken at the end of this battle, a way in which they could save all of their people without leaving anyone behind. She thought and thought but there was nothing. There was nothing she could do about it so with the sound of her heart being torn into pieces, Lexa said yes to the offer and now had to face the blonde and tell her what she had done behind her back.

Telling Clarke was even harder than she had thought it would be, the sheer look of heartbreak caused by a deep cutting betrayal on her face when she realized that Lexa had betrayed her was something the Commander knew she would never forget and would see it in her nightmares for the rest of her days. She wanted to do something, to help the blonde but she couldn't. Lincoln could and tried. He tried to fight for the Sky People, for Octavia, for justice but Lincoln was not a leader, he didn't make decisions that would affect thousands of others so she had him knocked out and carried away from the place.

She had told Clarke she cares and just wished she could show the blonde just how much she truly cared about her, that what they had shared in the amount of less than a week was stronger than anything she had ever felt before for anyone in her life, so much that it terrified her to feel it or now to lose it. She would like to show Clarke how much she wanted for the blonde to be with her, in her arms forever but Lexa didn't say that, she couldn't. She said a 'I do care, Clarke' but she knew it was not enough, for the blonde, at least. She knew that Clarke probably hated, despised and cursed her but there was no way she could go back now.

As she started to turn around, Lexa let one tear fall down on her face before straightening up and turning around to walk away from the Mountain and following her people through the woods back to their camp, not too far from there. It took the group 2 hours to reach the camp because of the recently released prisoners who were too weak to walk faster and when they got there, Lexa ushered the rescued people to get some help from Nyko, in regards to the recovery from their time in Mount Weather and once that was settled, Lexa retired to her tent, finally getting her emotions out in the open.

She finally let the tears fall down on her face as she poured herself a glass of wine and drank it all at once before filling it again. She could hear the movement outside her tent, her people were probably starting a celebration or were simply walking around the camp, either way, truthfully, she didn't care, she was beyond miserable at this point. She wanted so badly to go back to be with Clarke, to help her make the decisions and bear the burden with her but it would ruin everything if the Mountain Men spotted her and she knew she couldn't do anything for the woman she cared about but there was still one thing she could do.

"**Ryder**," She wiped away her tears and called for her new bodyguard, something it also pained her heart to do and think about, since Gustus had fulfilled that particular post since she became Commander. From day one, he had been there by her side through it all and now he wasn't because he didn't trust her. His own choices and lack of faith in her led him to his death.

Ryder came inside, "**Yes, Commander**?" He asked her and she sighed.

"**Get Indra for me, immediately**," She said monotonously and he nodded leaving the tent.

Lexa drank two more glasses of wine and filled in again when Indra walked inside her tent, "**You called for me, Commander?**" The older warrior asked standing straight.

Yes, she knew the young girl since she was a child and probably had the permission to talk to her as one would talk to a family member but she was still her Commander, Indra needed to show respect especially now that she could see the state of mind and heart that the girl seemed to be in. It may not be wise to try to speak beyond what was asked of her so the seasoned warrior waited for the Commander to speak and Lexa pulled out a knife before putting it on the table and pushing it forward so it could reach her general.

"**Give that to Lincoln and let him escape**," Lexa said looking at the woman who seemed shocked by what she was hearing.

"**I don't understand, Commander. No one from our people can return to the Mountain, those were the terms, wasn't it?**" Indra asked her and Lexa nodded.

"**Yes, those were the terms but you know as well as I do that Lincoln's heart lies within the Skaikru. If he could choose, he would choose Octavia and therefore would be branded a traitor therefore, he wouldn't be going against the terms since he would no longer be one of us. So what I am doing is I am giving him that choice, the rest is up to him**," She explained.

The older woman nodded before she dared speak up deciding to push her luck, "**Is this about the Sky Girl, Commander? Is this about Clarke and leaving her behind?**" Indra asked her and Lexa chuckled but without any joy in it.

"**You know me too well, Indra. The last one of my generals that do so**," Lexa said to her and Indra stayed quiet as Lexa took a deep breath and a sip of her wine before continuing,

"**The sacrifice I made tonight to do what my head demaded and not what my heart begged for doesn't have to be his. I had to betray and leave someone I cared for behind because my position and my duty to my people demanded me to do it but Lincoln does not have to share the same fate as I do. He can choose his heart, I cannot. Only one of us has the need to be miserable, and it shall be me, like always**," Lexa explained to her and Indra only looked at her.

"**I am sorry, Commander**," She said to the young leader and she really was sorry for the girl in front of her right now, whose heart has been trampled over and broken many times.

Even if Indra didn't always agree with the decisions she made, she still believed that her Commander deserved the chance to be happy. The Sky girl certainly wouldn't be her first choice but if that was who Lexa chose, she would have supported her. But now, once again, the young girl had someone taken from her because of the demands of her duty, Indra only hoped that the damage wasn't as big as she imagined it to be.

"**So am I, Indra. However, there is nothing left to be done about it. Go to Lincoln and do not let him or anyone else know that I sent you to free him**," Lexa said and the general nodded moving forward to grab the knife before excusing herself and leaving to go to the young man and do what Lexa asked of her.

Lexa was left to her thoughts as she closed her eyes and sighed deeply. This moment should have been one filled with joy, excitement, relief, both from rescuing her people and for securing peace with the Mountain Men, at least for now, without bloodshed from her people. She should be celebrating, should be rejoicing in her victory at the task of rescuing all of her people made prisoners by the Mountain, that only the minimal number on her side lost their lives yet Lexa was not celebrating anything.

She could not.

She couldn't celebrate anything regarding her victory tonight when said victory came at the back of the sacrifice of the only person that could make her feel again since Costia had died. Someone that made her feel things she had never felt before, not even Costia herself. Abandoning Clarke at the feet of the Mountain had broken her heart to do it but it was like she had said, she had made that choice with her head and not her heart. Because the truth is her heart would have chosen to stay with Clarke since it now belonged to her even if the blonde didn't want or would ever want anything to do with it or her, for the matter.

When Lexa said that she did what Clarke would have done, she knew it was the truth.

As she had said to the blonde two nights before the attack when she had been fretting over their plans and strategies, Clarke was born a leader much like herself, which meant she would be willing to do anything to protect her people, to keep them safe so Lexa knew that if Clarke had been offered the deal in the same conditions she was, the blonde girl would have taken it. It would have broken her heart as it did Lexa's but Clarke would have made the same choice. Any good leader would have. It is Clarke's heart that Lexa knows that she has broken tonight, if not condemned her to die.

Lexa knew that Clarke would never leave the Mountain without her people, she would never give up on her friends. Clarke was not capable of giving up. Either she managed to free them or she would die trying and that knowledge that Clarke is still in danger and there is nothing she can do to help her made Lexa throw her glass into the floor, breaking it. She couldn't be responsible for another death of someone she cared about and she also couldn't stay without any information about what the fate of the blonde would be so therefore, she called for one of her warriors, a trustworthy scout, and ordered him to keep watch in the Mountain and especially on Clarke and reported back to her.

The warrior received the orders and nodded leaving her tent as Lexa was left to her own thoughts remembering everything that has happened to her these last few days and it only made her feel sorry for the people that came to care for her, in one way or another, nothing good came out of it. Gustus, Anya, Costia, they all paid with their lives for caring about the Commander, for caring about her, for being by her side until the end. Maybe Titus was right in his teachings and she just never understood them. Not until now.

Maybe love was weakness.

Maybe **her** love was weakness.

Maybe to be Commander is to be alone.

She always thought that he said that because she could get hurt if others got too close to her but now she realizes that it was about people getting hurt if they came too close to her. That she was poisonous for anyone that dared care about her. When she gave her heart to Costia like a reckless teenager, Lexa thought that she could help her people achieve peace and a better future and still have someone she loved by her side while she did it.

She had been selfish.

She should have known that she cannot be both the Commander and Lexa, not at the same time at least. That Lexa has no chance against the Commander, would not have a chance to win against what was demanded of her by her duty. Her wishes were meaningless in the face of the needs of her people. That whatever dream she had for that part of her, the part of her that was simply a young girl in love needed to disappear because it could never be true. Happiness was something never meant for her and she knew that now. Costia paid for that mistake and now Clarke is the one paying for it again.

She should have known better.


	4. Needing Strength

Needing Strength

As those thoughts invaded her mind, Lexa could not stop them from growing, she could not stop herself from believing in them. What other explanation would there be for everything she lost? What else could possibly explain why she had to keep losing everyone she cared about? It was as if she was cursed. As if she was meant to bring pain and destruction to those that came in contact and came to care for her. There was no other way to see it, especially after the newest demonstration. If Lexa were to see Clarke after tonight, she knew destruction is exactly what she would see reflec5ted in those blue eyes, along with hate, disgust and pain.

The idea that she broke something in Clarke that may never be fixed, that she hurt the girl beyond repair, that she brought a pain that couldn't be forgotten, it twisted even further the knife that had been stabbed in her heart the moment she took the deal. She would take all the pain in the world if it meant she could protect Clarke from it and to think that she was the reason behind that pain was excruciating and for that, Lexa reached for the bottle of wine and drank directly from it until there was nothing left before asking the guards standing outside to bring her more bottles and at that moment, Indra entered the tent, looked at her and the glass broken by the floor and sighed.

"**You haven't drunk this much since that night**," Indra said and they both knew she was talking about the night after she accepted the Ice Nation into her Coalition standing in front of the Queen and accepting her pledge instead of striking her dead for what she took from Lexa.

"**I haven't felt so miserably incapable of doing what I wanted since that night**. **Am I cursed, Indra? Am I selfish or am I simply blind to see that getting close to people is the same as giving them a death sentence?** " Lexa turned to look at the warrior, "**Everyone that has dared care about me has died, one after the other. You're the only who hasn't yet and if you don't pull away, that will be your end too**," Lexa said and the woman looked at her.

"**Everyone dies of something at some point. It is the only certainty in life, that we will die**," Indra said to the girl trying to offer some comfort but Lexa just shook her head.

"**Yes, but I am the reason of every single one of their deaths. I loved Costia and Nia killed her because of it. We both know she knew that Costia didn't know my secrets, she knew I wouldn't have told them to anyone. Not even Titus knows them. You know that the only reason that she had her kidnapped and killed was to break me. She wanted me to go to war, break the Coalition, she wanted me to lash out so she could strike me and kill me**," Lexa said to the woman who nodded.

"**I cared about Anya but after she chose to leave Polis when we had that fight, I sent her to deal with the Sky People and sentenced for her to die. I should have never said the things I said to her that day. I was angry and I lashed out at her and I shouldn't have. I should have never let her leave, I should have apologized but I didn't. Instead, I gave the control of her unit and the mission to Tristan. I know I hurt her doing that. She would have wanted to prove herself to me again, to show that I could trust her and she died for it,**"

"**Gustus was there when I won my Conclave. He was the first person I trusted to be loyal to me besides you and Anya. And every day he proved to me that I hadn't been wrong to do that, that he would protect me and keep me safe, that he would be there for me, that he would stay. His loyalty to me was his doom. He wanted to protect me from the Sky People even if meant disobeying my orders. He only wanted me to be safe and I killed him for it. I drove my sword into his heart and I know he didn't blame me for it**," Lexa said as tears started falling down on her face as Indra just listened.

"**I don't even have to mention Kristian, you know every well how that went, how he lost his life because I was once again inconsequential and careless about what my actions cause to other people. So tell me Indra, what exactly am I? Selfish, blind or poisonous? Or am I all three of the above and worse? Because right now, that is exactly what it feels like**," She said and sighed.

"**You are neither one of those things, Lexa. You have never been selfish, blind or poisonous**," Indra said and Lexa looked at her general as the woman continued, "**You have been one of the strongest people I have known in my life but that doesn't mean you are not allowed to be hurt with all that you've lost. I understand what you said but you know that Gustus, Anya and Costia never regretted caring about you**," Indra said.

"**Anya was my second and I knew her well. She cared for you as one would do to their little sister. She saw so much of herself in you, you were both so much alike. She was always so proud of you that I know that if she had to die for you, she would do so gladly. Gustus and Costia were no different. They loved the person you are, not what title you have, they would have sacrificed anything for you because their feelings for you were strong and real. As you said, we don't even need to mention Kristian**," She finished and Lexa was still staring at her.

"**How many more people will I have to lose, Indra? Can't I for once just have something that is mine, not the Commander's but Lexa's, without having it taken from me one way or another**?" Lexa asked with sadness in her voice and Indra looked at her.

"**I don't know if you can but I do know one thing, you deserve it. I am sorry that you had to leave Clarke behind. I was not sure how much you came to care for the girl but I am sorry either way**," She said and Lexa shook her head.

"**She will never forgive me, will she?** **I am not even sure she should or if I deserve it. Probably not**," Lexa said and asked Indra but neither one of them was expecting an answer to that question. They both knew that the betrayal would weigh heavily on both girls.

Lexa turned her back to Indra and faced her throne and what it represented. She thought about her conclave and what she did to have the right to sit in that throne, those she killed for the right to call it hers. She thought what if she had died and one of them had been Commander instead? What if it was Bron or Dylan sitting in that throne? Would they be right now facing the same crisis she was? Would they have the same complaints as she does? Would they accept it or would they break from the weight of it all? She didn't know.

What she did know now as she knew then was that they wouldn't have accomplished everything she did, their people would still be at war with each other and who knows what would have happened to the Sky People had they been in command, if they had simply wiped them out instead of hearing them out. With those thoughts in mind, Lexa straightened her posture and with heavy but determinate steps she walked up to it and sat down and looked directly at Indra who had been watching her.

"**I swore an oath the moment I took this throne and the Flame and although at times it gets hard, I do not regret it. This throne, this title, this burden has always been mine to bear. Even when I am as broken as I am now, I know I made the right decision in the Conclave and I know I made the right decision now. I chose to give up Lexa's desires and chose to let the Commander be born and I will not weaken my resolve now, too many have died for it and I will not let their sacrifices, their deaths been in vain. There would be no greater dishonor I could bestow upon them**," Lexa said firmly.

"**Spoken like a true Commander**," Indra said admiring the strength and the intelligence of the girl standing in front of her and Lexa nodded.

"**I am a true Commander**," She said and continued, "**Tonight, I will break down and cry what needs to cried. I will feel what needs to be felt. I will let the pain consume me until I can feel nothing else. I will let regret weigh me down until I feel like I can never get rid of it. I will be as weak as I know how to be,**" Lexa sighed before continuing,

"**But tomorrow, as the sun rises and announces a new day to come, I will be back on my feet and together, we will care for those we have rescued and deal with whatever comes next**," She said with determination.

"**Wise choice, Commander,**" Indra said nodding her head.

"**It is. However, I fear I need to ask you for one more favor besides listening to my cries and complaints**," Lexa said to her and Indra nodded, "**Get London here**."

Indra nodded at that before excusing herself and moving out of the Commander's tent in search of the woman. London was the one responsible for the Trikru's tattoos and calling for her could only mean that Lexa wanted a new one. She had inkling on what the Commander wanted with that, given everything they had been talking about but it was not her place to mention it or question it so all the general did was what was asked of her.

Lexa was still seating in her throne but this time, she had a scroll on her hand as she drew the tattoo she wanted. Commander did not take kill marks because there would no space for the amount of deaths they have on their hands but Lexa found that at least with tattoos she could honor those she had lost, which is why she has a tattoo on her back in the memory of her fellow novitiates that died when she was chosen by the Spirit of the Commander. All but Luna who was very much still alive and did exactly what her brother wanted her to do. Live.

She was finished with the drawing, she wasn't as skilled at it as Clarke but she could do enough with paper and charcoal to be considered basic. It was one of the lessons she had as a nightblood, to draw maps of the clans by memory so she wasn't that bad. Ryder called out from the outside of the tent and she looked up. "**If it is London, send her in**," She called out and soon enough, the flaps of her tent were pulled and the old woman entered with her kit in one hand as she came to stop in front of her and bowed.

"**Commander.**" She said respectfully.

Lexa came down from her throne to stand in front of the woman, "**I need you to make me a tattoo, here is the design**," She said passing the paper to the woman who took a look at it.

"**It's beautiful. Where do you want it**?" London asked and Lexa pointed to the space in the middle of her chest. "**Very well. You should lay down so you can be more comfortable**," She instructed and Lexa did that while the woman prepared her tools. Lexa took her shirt and her chest biding, being naked from the waist up, not that she minded.

"**Do you want to change anything or should I start, Heda**?" The woman asked once she sat down on a chair by the side of her makeshift bed.

"**Go ahead**," Lexa answered and the woman nodded as she started

Lexa just closed her eyes, the pain was nothing to her, she was quite used to it so much that it didn't bother her at all. If the one on her back was to honor those she had killed to be the Commander, than this one on the front was to symbolize who had been hurt or killed because of her. Costia, Anya, Gustus, Kristian, and now Clarke. She would have a physical reminder of everything they did or meant for her and that she was very lucky to have met all of them, even if they have left her. It took a couple of hours but soon, the tattoo was finished.

"**It's done. I hope you like it, Commander**," London said and Lexa grabbed the mirror she used to apply her war paint and looked at it. It was exactly as she expected and wanted it to be.

"**You have done an amazing job, London. Thank you**," Lexa said looking at the woman.

"**Not at all, it was my pleasure to help you and I am content that you have enjoyed it**," She spoke bowing slightly in respect and Lexa nodded.

"**I did, very much. Your work is very beautiful and well done**," Lexa said praising the woman and the Trikru artist nodded.

"**Well, you know how to take care of it. It will take about 5 days before it is healed but until then keep it covered, including from the sun**," London instructed Lexa to do and she nodded. She had other tattoos so she knew the healing process of it.

"**Very well, is there anything else I can help you with Commander?**" London asked her and Lexa shook her head at the woman.

"**No, thank you, London. Your services are not required, you may be excused to go**," Lexa said to her in a grateful tone and the woman nodded.

"**I understand. If you excuse me**," She said smiling as she finished locking her stuff before she looked at the Commander and left her tent as Lexa stood up and put on her shirt back before walking out of her private area and went back to the main part of the tent and went to sit down on her throne since she knew there was no way she would be able to sleep that night. She would just have to wait for the sun to rise.

She wondered what could be happening inside the Mountain? What has Clarke decided to do? Is she alive, dead, imprisoned, free? What was becoming of the girl whom made her question everything she knew about herself, about her duties? She had envied Lincoln, for having the freedom of choosing his own path, the path that would lead him back to the woman he loved. She had no such privileges, she wouldn't have them for as long as she was Commander and unless she died, she didn't plan on relinquishing that part of her.

Even if it sometimes what it demands of her comes close to breaking her completely, she still didn't regret what her choice was 10 years ago. She chose her people above everything, above herself, above the lives of the novitiates, some of whom she considered friends. She chose her people over vengeance, she chose her people over the girl she was in love with and Lexa knew that whatever came next, she would choose her people over anything again and again and as many times as it was required from her to do it.

However she could not help but wonder what would have happened had she stayed? What would have happened to Clarke? And one thing was for sure, she would have lost more people than she would be okay with. Her people were already dying just trying to get inside, what would have happened once they got in? Would all the people that survived have survived then if she had stayed? Probably not. Too many of them would have died and instead of punishing herself for leaving Clarke behind, she would be punishing herself for letting her people die when she could have stopped it if she had taken the deal.

There was no good choice for either of them. One way or another, people would have to be sacrificed. Either hers, Clarke's or the Mountain's, one of them would have to die for the other two to survive. She wondered who might have won now that she pulled back. Something told her that Clarke would find a way to free her people, but she also knew that it would take too much for her to achieve that and she hoped Clarke would be okay, somehow, someway. She dared not hope for her forgiveness but she hoped that at least Clarke could understand her and know that she did care about her and her people, even if she couldn't have chosen them.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to calm her heart and her mind from the emotions were swirling inside. She knew, that whatever news she received tomorrow in the morning would dictate what would be of their relationship with the Sky People and she just hoped that both Clarke and herself would make the best choice for both of their people. Because Lexa was sure, that if it came down to war between them, she would never kill Clarke or allow anyone to harm her, she wondered if Clarke would feel the same, if she would also not be able to kill Lexa if they faced each other on the battle field. She hoped but she didn't know the answer to that.

At least, not anymore.


	5. Guilt and Doubts

Guilt and Doubts

_May we meet again_

Clarke has heard that phrase so many times over the years and yet she had never hated those words more than when she heard them being said by someone she had come to care about, someone she had trusted, not only with her people but with whatever was left of her heart. She didn't want to believe it, she didn't want to believe that Lexa would have betrayed her like this, would have let her people to die, leave her to die in the hands of the Mountain Men, in Cage's hands, even as she saw the Commander release Emerson, even when she ordered the retreat, even when she turned her back and walked away.

Clarke didn't want to believe that everything they had come to share was a lie.

Deep down, past the hurt and betrayal she was feeling, she knew in her heart that it wasn't a lie. Maybe that was exactly why it hurt so much because she knows that whatever she felt during their time together Lexa had felt it as well. She knows that not a single look shared between them had been a lie or fake or even any indication that what happened tonight was even a possibility for either one of them and therefore it caught both of them by surprise that it did happen. There had been a strong connection between them and for Clarke, having it broken in this way was hurting really badly.

She had seen Lexa, truly seen the woman within, the woman hidden behind the mask of the ruthless and intelligent Commander the blonde had come to know and see. Clarke had seen the depts of Lexa's heart and she had felt like she had been rapidly falling in love with the brunette. Clarke had been fascinated by her, she knew they had started something that day by the tent when they kissed. Everything she felt during that moment, she had never felt that way before with anyone. She didn't even know if she was capable to truly describe what she felt.

It was like everything inside of her was burning with the touch of Lexa's lips on hers, like every single cell on her body, every single atom inside of her was reacting to the brunette, yearning for her, wishing for more, wanting to feel her, feel her skin, touch her body, as if nothing would quench that desire until they became one. It was nothing she had thought possible to feel for another person. It was so primal, so essential, so fundamental for her to have Lexa like that, so much that it scared the hell out of her, especially as she remembered that Finn had died just about 5 days before she was feeling all of that for someone who indirectly had a hand in his death. As if anything about them had ever been anything short of complicated.

She had pulled away from the kiss despite the protests from her body and heart but it had not been the right moment for either one of them to deal with everything they felt and would be the consequence of that, not with a war coming, not with the lives of so many people on the line, not when she had just killed a boy she had deeply cared for. If they were to see if this could go where that kiss implied it could, then it would have to wait after the war was over, after they had won. She wondered now, if she had surrendered to her feelings, if the outcome would have been different. If Lexa would have stayed.

No, she wouldn't have. Not if the situation in the Mountain had been the same and the deal was still made. The only thing giving themselves to their urges would have changed was that both of them would have been even more destroyed than they already were now and Clarke thanked her mind for avoiding adding salt to the injury, there was enough hurt between them without that getting added to the mix. And now, as she made her way to the drilling room, moving past all the people she had killed, Clarke wondered if she would ever be the same.

Bellamy, Monty and her made their way inside as she moved to go straight to her mother's arms. They held each other, crying, as tightly as possible before Clarke pulled back to look at her. "I tried…," she said with a lump on her throat, "I tried to be the good guy," Clarke said with her voice breaking and Abby tried to give her a comforting smile.

"Maybe there are no good guys," She said and Clarke nodded before hugging her again and trying to draw strength from her mother before she pulled back and Kane came to their side.

"We need to leave now. Everyone is restless to get out of here," He explained to them and they nodded. Clarke was thrown back into leader mode, trying very hard to surpass everything she was feeling for the sake of her people, as usual.

"We need stretchers for the ones who were drilled and the rest can walk," She said to him and he nodded before he moved to do what she said and in time they were able to secure everyone. The rest of the 100 was given weapons, just in case the danger was not over yet and soon they started making their way out of the Mountain, passing by the corpses on level 5.

Clarke didn't look at them, she didn't need to. The image was well saved on her mind and she doubted she would ever forget it, no matter how much time passed, she knew that scene would stay with her forever, she just hope they wouldn't haunt her for that long. Bellamy was by her side all the while and she noticed his intake of breath as well and she knew he had looked at them, at Maya, at the kids. She wished she hadn't put that burden on his shoulders, but she also knew if she had to do it alone, the weight of her decision would have suffocated her and she didn't know if she would recover from it so for her own selfish reasons, she was glad he pulled that lever with her.

Once the door was opened, Clarke and Bellamy were the first ones out given that they were leading the others away from the place so they walked further and watched one by one their people leaving those doors as Clarke remembered seeing the same thing happen a few hours ago but instead of her people, it was Lexa's people coming out of those doors after she had taken their deal and had betrayed Clarke and left her behind. She didn't think Lexa walking away from her was a scene she would ever forget as well. But she had too. She had to forget everything that could remind her of the brunette girl. She had to.

"Do you think the grounders will attack us?" Bellamy asked her worried about how they would defend themselves should an attack happen, but Clarke shook her head. Somehow, she knew they didn't need to worry about that.

"No, I don't think they will but we can't trust them so better to be careful." She said and he nodded, just as they heard movement coming from behind and turned around fast with their weapons raised.

They were ready to shoot but as soon as they saw that it was Lincoln, they both lowered their weapons as the man came to stand in front of them. "The Mountain Men?" He asked them and Bellamy answered.

"They're gone. All of them." He said and they could see the shock on the usually stoic grounder. And before they could say anything else, they heard a cry.

"Lincoln," Octavia said as she ran towards her boyfriend and they hugged each other tightly, never wanting to let go again.

"I'm glad you're safe. I had feared the worst," He said into her shoulder and she pulled back to look at him to make sure he was okay.

"How are you here now? I thought they had taken you with them," Octavia said to him and he nodded his head at her.

"They did but I escaped with Indra's help," He said to her and the other three were surprised by the information.

"Indra helped you? How? Why?" Octavia asked him and he nodded sighing as he prepared to explain it to her and to the other two listening to him.

"She gave me a choice. Stay and leave you here or come back and be a traitor to my people. There was no choice to be made," He said firmly and with certainty as if there was no way he could have chosen anything else but to be with her, no matter the cost to himself and Octavia hugged him.

"Why would Indra go against the Commander's orders just to let you go and be with the girl you love? Isn't she loyal to Lexa? Doing something like this could cost her her life, no?" Clarke wondered out loud and Lincoln turned to her.

"Yes, her life would be in danger, but Indra didn't go against the Commander's order. Lexa let me go," He said to them as a matter of fact and now they were all shocked.

"Why would she do that after she took the deal of the Mountain Men and practically kidnapped you?" Bellamy asked and Lincoln shook his head.

"That reason is between Lexa and I but in the end of the day, now I am a traitor to my people and I will not allowed to go back. They will kill me if I do," He said to them and Octavia held his hand intertwining their fingers together.

"You're coming with us. We can keep you safe in the camp," She said to her boyfriend and he nodded before they turned to walk away from before Lincoln turned around.

"Just so you know Cage is dead. I killed him with the red drug," He said to Clarke and Bellamy before moving forward with Octavia.

"Why would Lexa let him go? I don't understand. It seemed like there was a secret story to their relationship," Bellamy said to her and Clarke nodded at him.

"I don't understand it either, but it doesn't matter to us anymore. The only thing we need to worry about is getting our people back home and safely. Whatever secret Lexa and Lincoln have, it's theirs to know and I have no interest in finding out. Let Grounders deal with their people and we will deal with ours," Clarke said firmly, and Bellamy nodded at her.

"Lead the way, princess," He said as they moved along with their people going forward and trying to let what happened stay in the past.

It was deep in the night when the Sky People made their ways towards Camp Jaha through the woods. Clarke and Bellamy were the last ones of the group, guarding their backs and watching out for attacks coming from behind. Although, Clarke didn't want to think that Lexa would attack them, she wasn't sure she even knew the woman as well as she thought she did so right now, she wasn't discarding any possibilities and although she was feeling destroyed on the inside, she was on high alert just in case.

Both Bellamy and she were thinking about what they have done and what it would mean for them next. They had irradiated the Mountain and killed every single one of the people inside, one way or another. Dante was killed by the bullet she put in his chest just to force Cage to let her people go, though she knew realized it was pointless. The man was obsessed, he would never have stopped. Even if they offered to volunteer and she was sure Kane must have tried that option, he wouldn't stop so she killed the man for nothing.

Bellamy was thinking about the people that he had got to know during his days in that place, people like Maya and her father, the children, all people they had killed. He knew that there had been no other choice for them and he didn't think of a better idea than Clarke's but still, he had hoped that they could have found another solution but the only choice they had was to kill everyone and the least he could have done was to share the burden with Clarke. But what was on both of their minds were questions they didn't have the answer for.

How would they move past it? Was it possible to move past something as big and cruel and devastating as genocide? Would they change? Have they changed already? How would they be able to look at the mirror and still recognize who was there staring back at them?

As Clarke thought of these questions as she looked to the sky seeing the sun start to rise in the blue sky and the promise of a new day rising along with it. She knew that if she were to recover, it would not be easy, but Dante said something she doesn't think she will ever forget. 'I bear it, so they don't have to'. That is what it means to be a leader, to shoulder the burden of hard choices and still make them again and again. 'The dead are gone. The living are hungry.' She hadn't understood what Lexa meant by that at the time, but she did now.

As leaders, they didn't had time to grieve or to break down because despite the deaths that haunted them, those who were still alive still needed them to provide, protect and to keep going. She could see that as she looked at her people. They still had a road to recovery, and she suspected it was a very long one at that but no matter her feelings and how destroyed she felt, her people still needed her to be there for them. They needed her to bear it and move on from it for their sake as well as her own. She wondered if she could.

If she could stand to be in the camp and look at everyone that was saved and know what she did to get them back? The lives she took, the innocents she murdered, the friends she betrayed, could she really stand to be around Jasper and see his pain for losing Maya knowing she was the one who did that to him? Could she look at Raven and her mother and see what was done to them and remember the children she killed to save them? Could she really stay with them and not crumble with the guilt she felt for what she had done?

"Hey, you okay?" Bellamy asked interrupting her thoughts as Clarke turned to look at him and sighed already knowing the answer to that question.

"No, I am not okay. You?" She returned the question to him and already knew what his answer would be, they did it together, they suffered the same fate together as well.

"No. But I believe we will be, someday, somehow," He said to her trying to sound convincing and she looked away from him.

"Do we even deserve to be okay after what we did?" She asked out loud more to herself as Camp Jaha came into full view.

"We did what we had to do, Clarke. Nothing more, nothing less," He said answering the question for her as they kept walking up the hill along with the others.

"Did we Bellamy? Did we really have to kill all of them? The children? I am not so sure anymore. How can we live with ourselves after that?" She asked as they continue to walk as the gates opened and the rest of their people came to help the newcomers.

"Hey, we can get through this," He said as they stopped and watched their people enter their home.

"I don't know if I can get in," She said with her voice breaking down at the thought of facing her demons born out of the action she took in the name of everyone inside that camp.

"Clarke, if you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven. Please, come inside," He said the words she once said to him while looking worriedly at her and she looked back at him.

"Seeing their faces every day is just going to remind me of what I did to get them here," She said to him and he turned to face her.

"What** we** did. You don't have to do this alone," He said to her, hoping that she wouldn't leave him or them and she looked back at the camp and at her mother.

"I don't know if I can do this at all Bellamy. I don't know if I am strong enough to get through this," She said to him, and he moved forward holding her hand.

"Yes, you are and you can, if you let us help you. Besides, where would even go?" He said to her and she squeezed his hand back.

"I don't know." She said shrugging her shoulders. She really wouldn't know where to go from here but right now, it was looking as if it was the easier choice.

"I know you're hurting, so am I. But we did this together and we will move past this together. I am not leaving you so you can't leave me either. I will be really mad at you if you go," He said to her and she gave him a small smile as she stayed quite thinking about it before she nodded.

"Okay, I'll stay. I don't need another person angry at me for something I did," She said to him trying to joke about it as he sighed relieved before he hugged her and she hugged him back.

"Thank you for not leaving when I need you the most," He said sincerely to her and she nodded her head against his shoulder as she tightened her hold on his waist.

"Thank you for not letting me leave," She replied back to him and he sighed in relief smiling.

"You're welcome," He said before he pulled back and looked at her, "Well, I don't know about you but I could use a drink," Bellamy said to her remembering their talk during Unity Day and she smiled remembering it too as she looked in front of her at the place she once called home, wondering if it was still home, before looking back at him.

"I could use two," She said and he nodded. He started walking inside and she was walking along with him before she stopped and turned around to look at the woods and thought about a certain brunette with green eyes and for one moment, Clarke forgot everything that happened last night and spoke what her heart wanted to say, hoping that the message would carry on to the woman in question, "May we meet again," She said before she walked back inside with the gates closing in behind her.


	6. Personal Thoughts

Personal Thoughts

After speaking those four words, to the wind, in blind hope it would carry to the ear of a certain Commander, which confused the blonde who didn't know why she still cared for the brunette girl even after the betrayal she committed against her people, Clarke walked inside the camp, hearing the gates close behind her and went straight to her mother who was still on the stretcher and kneeled down beside her. Abby turned to look at her daughter and sighed relieved before raising her hand and caressing Clarke's cheek. "I was afraid you would leave," Abby said sincerely happy to have been wrong and Clarke sighed as gave her a small smile.

"I almost did but Bellamy convinced me to stay," Clarke answered truthfully, she was actually tired of the spiraling relationship she had with her mother since her father died and decided it was time to change that, as Abby nodded.

"Sweetheart, I can only try to understand what you are going through right now and I am sorry about the things I said to you in TonDC. I was wrong," Abby said to her knowing how those words must have hurt her daughter.

Clarke shook her head. "There is nothing to apologize. You had your reason to think that, I thought it myself," She said honestly but Abby shook her head.

"Yes, there is. I don't think I understood what it meant to be on Earth until today and I tried to pretend that you were still the little girl that would hold onto me for protection whenever she was scared," Abby said smiling at her and Clarke shook her head as tears threatened to fall.

"Right now, I feel like that little girl again," She said as a tear escaped and ran down her face as Abby pulled her into a hug.

"I'm right here, honey. I always will be right here for you, no matter how old you are or how grown up you seem to be," She said sincerely, and Clarke nodded.

But then they were interrupted by Bellamy and Kane who joined them, so Clarke pulled back before looking at the men. "Abby, we need to take you to Medical along with all the others. There, you will be better assisted," Kane said looking at Abby and she nodded at him before two guards came and picked her up carrying her away.

Clarke sighed before she stood up, she knew that they still needed to have a talk, but it would have to wait for when her mother was feeling better. "How are the others?" Clarke asked Kane as he looked at her and sighed deeply.

"Alive, which right now is good enough for me. Raven is hurt and is in Medical too, but the others are mostly scared, they still fear that the Mountain Men would be coming for them at any moment," He said to her and she nodded her head.

"I understand but there is nothing we can do about that fear right now. Only time can help us move forward from the horrors we seen and done inside that place. At least, that is what I am hoping for," She said to him and both men nodded at her.

"What about the grounders? What will we do about them?" Bellamy asked them.

"There is nothing to be done about them," Kane said to them, and the two young leaders looked at him as he continued, "I understand how you feel about what the Commander did but I truly doubt anyone in her position would have done differently. I don't think I would have. She sought out to save her people and she did as we saved ours. We can't blame them as we cannot blame ourselves. We all did what we had to do for our people, they're no different," Kane said as Clarke and Bellamy looked at each other.

"I would think that as soon as they hear about what happened, they will send a message to discuss what happens next, how will be the relationship between us all," He said to them.

"You don't think they will attack us? Especially now that we are still recovering and would definitely be at a disadvantage to defend ourselves against the Coalition's Army?" Clarke asked him and the older man shook his head.

"Lexa has no reason to attack and if we don't give them one, I think we will be safe. Like you said, it is only a matter of time now," He said, and Clarke nodded at him.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe, we are actually safe for now," She said to him, hoping that his words were true, and Kane nodded hoping the same thing.

"Now, if you excuse me, I have to go check on the others. Make sure that everything is taken care of," He said and left them to their own thoughts.

"What are you going to do now?" Bellamy asked her and she shrugged before looking at him.

"Take a shower, get rid of these clothes and try to sleep if I can, I guess. What about you?" she asked him, and he shrugged too.

"I don't know, probably the same. A shower does sound nice." He said and she nodded before they both started walking away and as they passed by, they could see the families of the kids kept in Mount Weather being reunited with them and Clarke tried to focus on that, focus on the fact that she saved those people but at what price?

'Victory stands in the back of sacrifice' Clarke remembered hearing the Commander say those words after the bombing of TonDC , after Lexa made the decision to let all those people, her own people die for the greater good of the war, though Clarke hadn't understood just how much that was true until last night, and Clarke also remembered what her words were after Lexa said that. Clarke said she wanted the Mountain Men dead, all of them. Well, turned out she got what she wanted, their end delivered by her own hands.

Now, that was something else.

When she had said those words, she had been angry because of all the deaths in TonDC caused by their missile sent by Cage. All she could see was the burnt bodies, the smoke and hear their screams asking for help or calling after their loved ones and Clarke wanted so badly to hurt them like they have hurt the grounders and the Sky People since this war started, she wanted them to pay for every life they took, every person they had captured and turned into reapers, every grounder that had been drained from their blood, she wanted justice. But she had never truly wanted all of them dead.

She knew that there were innocent people there, Bellamy had warned her about it when he made contact and she knew that whatever plan they made, the innocent needed to be saved. Women, men, elders and children. People that had helped them, people that didn't agree with their ways to treat the grounders. People that fought by their side to do the right thing. Like Maya. They were supposed to spare those people. They were supposed to punish the guilty and only the guilty, like Dante and Cage Wallace and their followers. The innocents shouldn't have died. She shouldn't have killed them.

But what other choice did she have at that moment?

There was no other choice, Cage saw to that. She had given him a chance to do better, a chance to make a choice that would have saved not only his people but also hers. However, be it his pride, his cruelty or simply his disbelief that she would do whatever it took to get her people back, he intentionally or not pushed her hand and she was forced to irradiate the Mountain and kill every one of them. She couldn't even wait to try something since he was going to kill her mother, she could not let that happen. She had to save them.

She passed by them with Bellamy following her into Alpha Station before they went their separate ways in search for their respective rooms. Once Clarke opened the door, entered her room and closed it behind her, she leaned against the metal door and slide down to the ground with her gun falling down from her hand as well. She looked at her hands and although they looked clean, she knew that there was so much blood in them. She remembered the tradition that the grounders had of having kill marks in their bodies.

Her back was not big enough for over 600 hundred people she killed in less than three weeks, she knew that she had to do it, but it didn't make it any easier to bear it. She had wanted so badly to believe that Earth was beautiful like she imagined it would be, but there is a darkness to it that she didn't think any of her people, herself included had been ready to face it. To let it consume them. How could they have ever imagined that all they would know since coming down here would be war and death after death? How could they have been prepared for it?

She didn't know the answer to those questions, but she knew that they would look up to her to continue leading them and although she had thought of leaving, she knew she couldn't do it. It wouldn't be fair on anyone of the people that cared about her if she did that, as it wouldn't be good for her people or herself. If she had left, she had no idea where to go and how would she survive on her own? Besides, how could being isolated help her overcome her monsters? It would only made them grow bolder and have a deeper hold on her than they already have.

What about her friends? Bellamy, Monty, Raven, the rest of the 100? How would they feel if she just left them behind? She knew Bellamy was right when he said he would be angry with her and he would have every right to be. She wasn't the only one that was hurting, he was too and all because he didn't want her to do what she did alone, because he wanted to help her. How would she repay him? By leaving him to deal with it all on his own? That would be too cruel on her part and she knew if she did that, their friendship would be compromised and she didn't want that, at all.

She may not be in love with him, but she did love him. As a friend, as a brother and she knew she needed him just as much as he needed her. She couldn't abandon him especially when she knew he wouldn't abandon her. And Raven? Who was facing an uphill battle now that her leg was even worse thanks to the drilling the Mountain Men did on her. How would she feel if Clarke left? Pissed off and hurt, for sure. They may have started out their friendship on the wrong foot, with Clarke sleeping with Finn and killing him, but in the end, they overcame it.

They were friends and Clarke didn't want to lose that, she knew the girl would need her by her side to offer support, understanding, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to her complaints, a friend to not let her quit even when she wanted to, just as Raven would offer her all of that as well. Monty and the others, they trusted her to get them out and she did, Monty was also there when they made the fated choice, he was a part of it and she knew that with Jasper being as broken and angry as he is, that the young engineer would have to rely on the others to recover as well.

And her mother? Clarke couldn't even begin to think about what her mother would feel if the blonde had simply turned around from the gates and ventured into the wild without a goodbye or a prospect of when she would return, if she ever did. They had their problems, their differences of opinion, their fights but Abby was her mom, nothing and no one could change that. And despite the fact that Clarke had been closer with her Dad, it didn't mean that she loved her mom any less, in fact now she believed she would need her more than ever.

They would both need each other and to be honest, she just wanted to crawl into her mother's arms and let her tell Clarke that everything would be okay, that she would be okay because at this moment, it surely didn't feel like it. And on top of all of that, there were still her people that also needed her, she needed to take care of them or else everything she did was for nothing and she couldn't let that be true besides something told her that the best things for them would be if she was in charge, even if she was still broken.

With that in mind, she let herself take a deep breath before she pushed herself from the ground and back to her feet. She walked towards the bed and started removing the armor she had been given by the Commander and put it in top of the bed as she sat down to remove her boots, followed by her pants and underwear and her shirt, she was naked and walked towards the bathroom, getting inside and started sponge bathing given that they didn't had the time to fix that problem so they would have running water.

As she started her shower, she was swept in by the emotions invoked by remembering everything what she had done since they landed, everything she had done to ensure the survival of her people and Clarke started to rub her skin with as much strength as she could muster, which given her emotional state was not much to begin with, but still enough to get her skin red and sore as her tears started to fall down on her face and sobs wrecked her body as they were finally being let out.

How could she have done it? How could she have killed an entire civilization? Children? How was she capable of committing genocide? She was supposed to be the good guy. She had said to Dante that they were the good guys. Yet all she could hear was her mother's voice telling her that maybe there were no such a thing and she knew now that to be true. In the end, all them wanted the same thing, to save their people and make sure they were okay and all of them were ready to do whatever it took to do that however, she could not help but ask herself.

If they were not the good guys, if there were no good guys, then what were they? They were just people trying to survive day after day, was the only answer she could come up with. She could almost hear Bellamy's voice as he said that who they are and who they need to be in order to survive are very different things. Was it really? Was she not the same person as the one that pulled the lever? Or the person that burnt 300 warriors alive?

She didn't think so. They may be different, but they were not opposites, everyone has lines they don't cross even if for their own survival. She was ready to cross all the lines she thought she never would. She did cross them. She let Bellamy torture Lincoln. She almost got Murphy killed for something he didn't do. She slit the throat of a grounder. She burnt 300 of them alive. She let a bomb drop on a village and she wiped out an entire civilization. She was the person that did all of that and if she wanted to have any hope of ever forgiving herself for it, she needed to own her actions and their consequences.

Clarke stopped crying and she told herself she couldn't be weak, that she needed to be strong for herself and for people and her thoughts were bringing her back to think about a pair of piercing green eyes she couldn't get out of her mind. The most beautiful shade of green she had ever seen in her entire life, putting the green of the forest to shame, so beautiful that she could lose herself into their depths, desperate to uncover their secrets, eager to love every single part of it. Green eyes that seemed to hold the secrets but most importantly, all the beauty Earth had to offer her.

Green eyes. Her eyes.

Lexa.

She let her thoughts wander to the Commander as she dried herself and went in searching for clean clothes. She probably wouldn't burn the coat, something would never allow her to do that, probably because Lexa had given her the coat to her herself, delivered into her hands explaining that every warrior needed one and most of all a leader such as Clarke. But as for the rest, she wanted nothing to do with them. She wouldn't throw them away, burn them or rip them apart but she would get rid of them and everything that they reminded her of.

As she finished getting dressed in tight black pants and a blue shirt she found in the closet, she remembered green eyes adorning a bloodied face as Lexa's betrayal was revealed but what Clarke remembered seeing the most was green eyes, moist with tears that were threatening to fall but refusing to do so. She remembered seeing one single tear fall down the older girl's eyes just before she turned to walk away from Clarke and the Sky People, leaving them behind and it was that tear, that one tear, that stopped Clarke from completely hating the Commander.

That tear betrayed the stoic image the girl tried so hard to maintain while leaving her behind. With that tear, she showed that decision to leave was hurting her just as much as it was hurting Clarke and that, in return, confused Clarke's heart and mind even further as they pulled her away in two different directions. One that wanted to hate the girl, wanted to believe that she was a heartless bitch that never cared about them or Clarke for the matter. That Lexa had just used them to get her own people out and just used her to do it. A part that wanted to blame Lexa for the actions the blonde was forced to take inside the Mountain.

But as soon as she would decide to follow that part of her, the other would remind her of gentle times, of rare and shy smiles, of understanding, of flirting, of protecting, of confessions, of a kiss that turned her world upside down, of a treacherous tear and Clarke couldn't hate her anymore. Yes, both parts could agree on being hurt and angry about what Lexa did, but she couldn't go any further than that. She couldn't blame Lexa for doing what she devoted her life to do, protect her people, but she had to stay away from the girl.

It would be too easy to fall back into the spell that it was Lexa. Clarke needed to protect herself, protect her heart from the brunette. She needed to think of herself first, of her own sanity. Besides, it could be petty, but she wanted the other girl to think she hated her, she wanted her to feel something for leaving Clarke. She couldn't give Lexa the satisfaction of knowing that Clarke could even understand her choice. No, if given the chance, Clarke would show the opposite. She would show Lexa that she was deeply hurt and angry and hateful, even if she wasn't the last one.

They were supposed to have defeated and conquered Mount Weather together. They were supposed to have celebrated the victory together. They should have seen peace between their people flourish together. They should have been together. Period. They could have but now they could not. With that in mind, Clarke decided to try and get some sleep, if that was even possible. She closed her eyes, let out a deep breath and let her tiredness claim her as she prayed that her demons would be merciful on her and wouldn't make her nightmares even worse than what they already were when she was awake.


	7. Mountain News

Mountain News

As the hours passed by and the sun started rising high in the Sky, in the morning after the battle with the Mountain, Lexa was still sitting on her throne in the same position since she first sat on it the night before, only that now she was with a glass of water to help with the possible hangover she would have from drinking so much wine last night. Indra had been right, she didn't usually drink that much, she always liked being in control of her senses so she wouldn't be caught by surprise from anyone trying to harm her but last night, she had let go of that control and drank to her heart's desire.

Lexa had not sleep last night, at all. Not even closed her eyes and tried. How could she when her thoughts had not strayed away from the Mountain and the Sky Girl that she left behind to deal with such an enemy all by herself with the possible help from only a few of her friends? As much as she spent the night thinking about her choice to take the deal repeatedly until the point where her mind was begging to shut down, Lexa knew there was no other way out of that situation, no other outcome she could have had in that predicament.

There was no better choice for her people, not at that moment. She had told Clarke that plans don't last very long in battle and she was right, she had been in too many battles and wars to know that a leader has to know how to adapt to whatever situation is presented to them as fast as possible and try to win with whatever was thrown their way, whatever surprise they had. She wished desperately that their plan could have worked the way they wanted to, she wished for it so badly, but she knew it didn't. It wouldn't have, not without losing hundreds of her people in a matter of just few seconds.

She knew that she couldn't have chosen differently, no matter how much she had wished she didn't had to. When she ascended to the throne, during the ceremony, she made an oath to always protect and serve her people before anything or anyone and by taking the deal, that's exactly what she did. She fulfilled her oath. She protected them the best way she could and even if some of her people could not see it that way right now thinking she had denied them their rightful justice on those who terrorized them for so long, which she was sure some did, she couldn't regret it.

She was sorry about it though. She was sorry that the price of that choice would be Clarke's to pay. She had never meant or wished for the girl, with hair like the sun and eyes blue as the sky and as deep as the sea, to get hurt at all and especially not because of something Lexa did. She knew that Clarke and her people would blame her for either the death of their friends and kids or for whatever the blonde had to do to free them from the Mountain's clutches. She knew she should expect retaliation for the betrayal, but she hoped Clarke didn't hate her that much.

Lexa thought about the warning Indra gave her about the Sky People and sighed. Indra could be right, and Lexa would be blind and stupid not to consider it. People could think what they wanted of the woman, but Lexa trusted her. Indra was Anya's first and Anya had been her first, so in a way almost everything she knew, she learned from the seasoned warrior and could only be grateful for Indra's presence by her side. She had been all but a child when she rose to command, but Indra had believed in her strength to do all the things she wanted for their people, such as the Coalition.

Lexa also knew that she would have lost so many more battles if Indra had not been by her side, the woman saving her life more times than she could count, always having her back no matter what situation was it, or what Lexa had done. Indra was a good leader for the Trikru and she always followed Lexa with unquestionable loyalty. Of course, sometimes she disagreed with some of the Commander's decision as Lexa suspected she disagreed with the last one, but Indra would never betray her. Of that she was sure of.

There were not a lot of people still alive that Lexa could say she trusted but Indra was most certainly one of them. From of all the things Lexa had to thank Indra for, staying by her side when she had lost Costia was number one. Indra was actually there the moment Lexa saw Costia's head inside the box on top of her bed in her room in Polis. The general had been there when Gustus and Anya stormed in her room after they heard her screams, but Anya and Indra held her up as she screamed in pain, hurt and anger. They were the only thing anchoring Lexa through that difficult moment of losing someone she loved.

The other people who helped her in the same way were Gustus and Anya but neither of them was here anymore. They were both dead. She only had Indra left, she didn't want to lose the woman, she refused to lose one of the few people who really knows her and truly cares about her. Indra accompanied her when she went to offer Nia a place for Azgeda in her Coalition and Lexa knew if Indra had not been there, she would have done something that would have gotten herself killed or at the very least undone everything she had worked for.

All those things made the general someone she valued more than she probably should, for it was risky to care about anyone in her position of power but also which is why she had called the woman in her tent to talk to her. She could trust Indra and she was glad for it, she really needed someone to be there for her right now, after yet another loss of someone she loved. Her thoughts were interrupted by the very subject of her thinking. "**Commander**." The woman said bowing down in respect to Lexa and the position she held while the girl looked at her.

"**I wanted to know if there is news of the Mountain or Lincoln?**" Lexa asked her and Indra tensed and shook her head.

"**Nothing as of yet, Commander**.** He escaped as you ordered,**" She said seriously and Lexa stared at her before she asked the warrior a question.

"**You have always spoken what was on your mind Indra. Don't stop now. Speak true. Do you think I made the wrong decision retreating**?" Lexa said firmly and Indra looked at her and knew she was allowed to speak her mind, so she did.

"**I wanted us to stay and fight, Commader. We could have won against the Maunon, they were already losing. We would have avenged our people but you made a deal with them**." Indra said taking a deep breath before she continued with her speech while Lexa listened to her words attentively.

"**You made a truce with the same people that treated our family and friends as animals, killing them, turning them into Reapers and you ordered us to retreat as if we were cowards who were too afraid to fight and die to defeat them and had to leave with our tails between our legs. And on top of that, we betrayed our allies while doing so, it was not what I wanted you to have done or even what I thought you would do**," Indra ranted as Lexa stared at her and listened to her without interrupting.

Indra noticed the stare and the silence. "**Forgive me, Commander. I didn't mean to offend you or disrespect you. Forgive me,**" The woman bowed her head in respect.

"**I asked for your opinion, Indra and that's what you offered me**." Lexa said as she sighed. "**Believe me, I, more than anyone, wanted for us to stay and fight. To finally free our people from the fear of the Mountain. But what do you expected me to have done when I saw all of our people that were kept prisoners, the same people that we set out to rescue, with guns pointed at their heads and the threats of the guards to kill all of them if I did not take the deal**?" Lexa said and she could see the surprise on the older woman's face.

No one had known about this. When she was approached by Emerson, she believed his name to be, she was by herself. Her guards fighting more Mountain Men so not even them knew all that happened during the meeting with the man, all they knew were her orders, the reason behind it was not their place to know. All they knew was that they were told to retreat. "**Is that what happened, Commander?**" Indra asked her surprised and Lexa nodded.

"**You know me better than to think I would have made a decision such as that without a good reason behind it, Indra**," Lexa said with a pointed glare.

"**My apologies Commander**," Indra said as she lowered her head in respect for her leader.

"**Our plan was failing miserably and all that was happening was that we were losing more and more of our people and if I had not taken the deal, we would have died. Including the sky people. I tried to save as many people as I could the only way I could, Indra. That's all I live for. To protect very every single one of my people by all means necessary and that's what I did. Even if some of my own people will not think so**," Lexa said to her explaining and Indra nodded at her.

"**And what about the Sky People Commander? What about the Sky Girl?**" Indra asked her.

"**It is true they were not part of the deal to be released from the Mountain but the truce I made with them extended to Skaikru as well. Clarke and the rest of the Sky People outside the walls of the Mountain would be left alone. That was the deal,**" Lexa said to her and Indra nodded now understanding things a little better than before.

"**But you knew the sky girl would not give up. She will fight for her people if it was the last thing she did,**" Indra said to her and Lexa nodded. Clarke was too stubborn and loyal to her people to give up on them just because Lexa retreated her help.

"**Which is why I sent Grant back to the Mountain to see what has happened to it and to report on the Sky people after we left them**," Lexa said to her and Indra was curious about something, so she took the chance to ask the younger girl.

"**Do you think they will retaliate? Wage war? Try to kill you, at least?**" Indra asked her and Lexa sighed. She has been thinking about that all night long.

"**I don't believe they will, but I have something in mind to make sure it doesn't happen at all. Do not worry Indra**," Lexa said as she took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. "**You know, I envy Lincoln,**" Lexa said, and Indra knew why she said that.

"**Because of the Sky Girl?**" The warrior asked as Lexa nodded. She always talked to Indra and Anya about these things, they were her confident, even if they were both hardened warriors.

"**After Costia died, after Nia killed her so brutally, I swore to not open my heart to anyone ever again. You know that. But with Clarke, I could feel that resolve crumbling each second, we spent together until I was left bare for her to see me in a way not even Costia had in the years we spent together. Yet, I betrayed her because no matter what I want, it can never come before my duty to my people and once again someone I care about pays for it**,"

"**Because I'm the Commander, can only be the Commander, should only be the Commander. Leaving her was not easy, Indra but I had to ensure our people's safety so don't think I made that decision lightly. If it would had been better to stay and fight, believe me I would have. If that was the case, Clarke wouldn't hate me as she does now so trust me, no one wanted things to be different more than me, but they aren't and we must accept it, move on from it**," Lexa opened up since she knew she could trust Indra with that information.

"**But you and I both know it will not be easy for them or for us, Commander. It is never easy to move on from things like this,**" Indra finished, and Lexa could only nod as the warrior continued, "**I'm sorry for doubting you and calling you a coward, Commander. I will accept any punishment you deem worthy for my disrespect**," Indra said as sincere as possible.

She had questioned not only someone she considered a friend but also her Commander and she shouldn't have. She should have known that if the Commander made that decision, that it was the best thing for their people, the same way she knew that if Lexa let the bomb hit TonDc, she had a good strategic reason for it and she knew that reason now that she knew the truth about how things really happened and what actually led the young girl to take the deal. She should be punished for her harsh words.

"**I will not punish you for that, Indra. Although you did question me, I can understand why you would, and I was not offended. I just hope in the future you will trust me more than you do now. But remember that although I allow you to question me, never do so in front of the others or you know I will be forced to punish you and I would like if you could spare me the trouble, my friend**." The Commander said and Indra nodded.

"**My apologies once more,**" As soon as she said that, Ryder called out from outside of the tent asking permission to enter which was granted.

"**Commander. Forgive me the intrusion but Grant has returned and brought news from the Mountain**," Ryder said respectfully and that perked the attention of both women.

"**Bring him in**," She said, and Ryder walked outside before coming back in with Grant following him. "**So, what have you seen?**" Lexa asked him curious and nervous about what she would learn to be the fate of Clarke and her people as well and the Maunon.

"**The Mountain has fallen, Commander. From what I heard, the Sky Princess destroyed them all. The Mountain Men are dead**," He related to her and the air seemed to leave Lexa's lungs for a while as she stood up from her throne and came closer to the two warriors.

"**How did she do that?**" Indra asked Grant, not believing that a single girl could destroy their long-lasting enemy just like that.

"**Since our air was poisonous to them so she let them breathe it in and they all died. The Skaikru has returned to their camp with their prisoners rescued and the Mountain conquered. Every single one of them killed, their leader tried to escape but apparently Lincoln killed him and joined with them Commander. He entered their camp along with his beloved,**" Grant finished his tale, but all Lexa could think about was that if Clarke made that decision that she would be haunted by it.

Letting so many people die especially when there are children and innocent people involved weights down heavily on you and seems to suffocate you with every breath you take. Lexa would know all about it since she had been forced more times than she liked to do the same thing and make similar choices throughout her years in command. She could only imagine the pain Clarke must be feeling right now. "**What are we going to do now Commander? What if the Sky People attack us now that they have conquered the Mountain? We should attack them before they can regroup**," Indra said to her, but Lexa shook her head.

"**No, they might be stronger than we gave them credit for, but they also are not stupid to throw their people into yet another war after they just finished getting out of one. No attack will be made against the Sky People, at least not unprovoked. I have an idea that can help ensure they won't attack us at all**," Lexa said as she turned to Ryder.

"**Get me Nyko and tell him I have a special mission for him. Quickly**," With that she turned around and walked back towards her throne and sat back as thoughts start forming in her head on how she could save her people.


	8. Delivering Messages

Delivering Messages

Clarke had fallen asleep but she was as haunted by her demons as they haunted her in waking moments which wasn't that surprising, given everything that she has had to do in the last month and truly everything that happened to her since her father's death. Clarke dreamt about the Mountain Men and watching them die, dreamt of irradiating the Mountain and killing everyone inside, only for the dream to change and then, it was her people being killed in front of her and she could do nothing to stop it. Cage was drilling on her mother and she couldn't stop him. She just watched as he killed Abby and looked at the monitor, as if challenging Clarke before selecting another person and this time, it wasn't one of her people. It was Lexa.

_She watched as Cage_ _ordered the doctor to get Lexa on the table and Clarke's heart clenched in despair as it had never done before and she quickly grabbed the radio. "Cage, don't do this. Let her go. It's me you want," She said desperately and Bellamy turned to her. _

"_Clarke, you can't do that. He will kill you," He said trying to talk her out of whatever was going on through her mind but she simply shook her head._

"_If I don't, she dies and I can't let that happen, Bellamy." Clarke said watching the monitor, "She can't die. I can't lose her," She said scared and as her voice broke due to the tears._

_She couldn't let Lexa die because Cage wanted to hurt her, there is no way that Lexa can die. Not when they have to see what that kiss could lead to, not before they got to know each other, not before they had the chance to fall in love and be together. There was something about Lexa that drew Clarke to her even if she didn't feel ready for these feelings, yet here they were overwhelming her as she watched Cage pick up the radio to speak to her._

"_Well, Clarke, you should have thought about that before you killed my father and threatened my people. I will not stop until I have taken everyone you love from you. I will kill them all and then I will kill you so you can watch their deaths and know it was all your fault," Cage said viciously and nodded at the doctors who started drilling and she could see Lexa struggling with the pain and the tears finally made their way down her face._

"_Cage, stop it. Please, she is innocent. She did nothing wrong. I killed your father, take me instead. Please." She begged him but he didn't give her any attention, "I have to go there. I have to stop him." Clarke said and moved towards the door but Bellamy stood in front of her. _

"_You can't give yourself up, especially if it is for her. I won't let you," He said to her and she just shook her head trying to move past him. _

"_Bellamy, please, I have to save her. Let me go," She said but he didn't budge. _

"_Clarke, I know she means something to you, I know that but this is exactly what he wants. I know you want to save her but we need to think about this and what it means for our people. We have to save them and giving yourself up is not going to accomplish that. She wouldn't want you to die in vain," Bellamy said as tears fell down her face. _

"_I can't stay here and do nothing. He is going to kill her, Bellamy. I have to do something. I don't want to lose her. Let me through," She said and he shook his head._

"_Clarke," Monty called and she looked at the monitor and watched as Cage drilled Lexa straight in her neck and blood started splashing everywhere, his clothes, his face and the floor before he looked at the camera and at her and smirked. Clarke was numb for a few seconds after seeing that before she reacted and screamed calling for Lexa as Bellamy moved to hold her and she wrestled against him but without any strength left inside of her. She screamed at the monitors once again. Lexa was dead, she couldn't be. Clarke yelled out for her once more…_

She woke up screaming as sat up on the bed, breathing heavily and noticing the cold sweat that was running down her face, her heart racing almost as if it was about to explode inside her chest. She had expected to have nightmares about what she had done, would be worried if she didn't, but she had not expected her dreams to be about Lexa dying in the drilling table and so violently. She didn't know how to feel for the girl who betrayed but she knew that she didn't want to think of the outcome of that dream ever coming true. Lexa could not die.

There was no denying that she had feelings for Lexa. Clarke had gone through so much in the last week that she wasn't up to pretend to herself that she doesn't care about the brunette grounder. Clarke has serious and very strong feelings for Lexa and despite everything she suspects that the Commander returns those feelings to the max. And even though, Lexa has betrayed her and all of that, Clarke still cares about her safety and to know that the grounder commander is okay wherever she is.

Clarke got up from the bed, walked to the table she had and grabbed a tower, starting to dry herself off. She was grateful that at least she was able to have a few moments of sleep before being awakened from that nightmare, however it seemed that there was no rest for the wicked as she heard a frantic knock on her door and immediately her senses spiked up. She put the tower down and went to open it, being surprised to see Bellamy, who apparently also showered and wore new clothes standing in front of her room with a not so good expression on his face which only made her worry more.

"What is it Bell? Please, don't tell me there is something wrong," She asked him crossing her arms as she waited for an answer.

"There is a grounder approaching saying he has a message to deliver from the Commander." He explained and she felt the air leave her lungs. Lexa sent a message to them? What could it be? She thought before he continued, "I thought I should come and get you, with your mother in MedBay, you and Kane are running the camp so I believed it would be important for you to hear the message," He said to her and she nodded at him.

"You did good. Just give me a second to change and I will be right outside," She said before she went back to put on her boots, grab her jacket and her gun and they left the room.

They came outside of Alpha Station and could see that people were scared about the new addition outside of their gates and after everything, they had all the reasons to be. The grounders could want to have their justice for the warriors they had killed during the battle against them or simply wanted her people gone from their lands. Clarke walked faster as she saw Kane, Lincoln and Octavia and the guards watching the grounder.

"What is going on here?" She asked them when she got close enough to the group who was watching the man on the horse on the other side of the gate.

"It's Nyko. He said he has a message from the Commander for us," Kane answered her. She looked at Bellamy who had a rifle in his hands and was standing by her side, as always giving her a sense of safety, before she turned to the guards and ordered them.

"Open the gates," The guards looked at her before they did as she asked. As the gates opened, Nyko came down from his horse and approached the camp but that action seemed to perk the guards who all raised their guns, pointing at him ready to shoot.

"Stand down. No one is shooting anybody unless I say so," She ordered them and they retreated lowering their weapons but didn't put down their guard wanting to be ready just in case the grounder tried anything as she moved forward to meet with him, Bellamy close by as always. She trusted that no matter what, he would always have her back. Nyko noticing the uneasiness decided to raise his hand to show that he was not here to harm any of them which Clarke appreciated. She came to stand in front of him as he looked at her.

"What do your Commander wants with us? Wasn't enough to betray us and leave us to die in the Mountain?" She asked him coldly but the man didn't have any reaction to what she said or her tone of voice before he spoke.

"The Commander wants to meet with Lincoln and Octavia and has asked for Marcus of the Sky People to come to our camp," He said as Clarke and Bellamy were confused by the unusual request of the grounder.

"Why Kane? Why not me?" She asked him and he shook her head.

"That I do not know. I'm only here to relay what the Commander asked me to say," He explained to her and she sighed. Of course, Lexa would not tell him what business she had with her people, he was simply a messenger.

"What about Lincoln and Octavia? What does she want with them?" Bellamy asked him angrily as the man simply shrugged his shoulders, indicating that he also didn't know the answer to that question.

"She probably wants to decide what will happen to them. If they can go back to Trikru or not," Clarke explained to him and he frowned.

"Why would they want to go back anyway? She betrayed us. They are better off without her and right here with us." He said to her.

"We will need to talk to them and see if they want to meet her. It is their choice, after all. We can't decide for them," She tried to play as if they had a choice.

She turned around and along with Bellamy following, they returned back inside of the boundaries of their camp where they would be safe. "Eyes on the trees. Watch for movements," Bellamy said to the guards who nodded and raised their weapons, looking for any grounder who would be there.

"You don't trust he came alone?" Clarke asked him and he looked at her.

"I don't trust them. Period," He said to her and she nodded understanding where his hostility towards the grounders was coming from, before they came to stop in front of the others.

"So, what does he want?" Octavia asked them impatiently.

"Well, he says that Lexa wants to speak with the two of you and with Kane," Clarke answered as the couple looked at each other.

They were already waiting for it. They had both disobeyed their Commander's orders of retreating, of course there would be consequences to that and they were ready to face it together. Like always. Clarke admired that between them and was happy that the war had not pulled them apart as it did with her and… No, she wouldn't go there, not right now. She had a job to do and for that, she needed her focus and her attention to be where it was needed and as usual, it was with her people and their safety.

"Me? Why me? I am barely part of the Council," Kane asked her and Clarke nodded at him.

"He has no idea what she wants with you and neither do I, although I have my suspicions," Bellamy said to him and Kane nodded.

"Maybe she wants to discuss the future of both people now that the war is over." Kane explained to them.

"If that was the case, shouldn't she want to talk with Clarke? Abby is the Chancellor but Clarke is our leader," Bellamy said to the man and Clarke froze on the spot. She was in no way ready to see Lexa again. She would need more time before that.

"We are going with Nyko," Lincoln and Octavia interrupted her thoughts and the conversation between the other three.

"No way. You don't know what they will do to you if you go with them to their camp," Bellamy said to his sister.

"It's our choice Bell. We are going. Kane, are you coming too or not?" Octavia asked him before they turned to the older man who nodded.

"I will go as well." Kane said to them.

"Then I'm going too. You will need a guard anyway," Bellamy said but Octavia shook her head.

"Not you. You will just make more of a mess. Choose someone else." Octavia said and Kane agreed so another guard was chosen and soon the four of them made their way to where Nyko was waiting and then they left as Bellamy and Clarke watched.

"How do you think that is going to go?" He asked her and she shook her head.

"I don't have the slightest idea but I know Kane has her respect, he will be able to deal with her and with what she wants," Clarke said and she meant it. She trusted Kane's abilities to be a diplomat now despite what happened.

"I don't know about this, Clarke. I have a bad feeling that they are in danger," Bellamy said and Clarke looked at him.

"Of course, you do and maybe there are but like Octavia said, it's their choice and they can handle whatever it is," She said and he nodded before turning to her again.

"And what about you? Did you manage to sleep?" Bellamy asked her and she nodded.

"A little. Nightmares woke me up just before you knocked. What about you?" She questioned him about it and he nodded his head at her.

"Somewhat the same," He answered.

"Have you talked to Jasper?" She asked him and he shook his head sadly at her.

"I tried but he doesn't want to see me if I am painted in gold," He said and she nodded. She was expecting something like this from him. Bellamy, Monty and her were responsible for his girlfriend's death. She didn't expect him to forgive her anytime soon.

"Will you go talk to him anytime soon?" Bellamy asked her and she shook her head at him.

"If he doesn't want to see you, can you imagine him wanting to see me, much less talk to me? No, I will let him be for now. Forcing my presence would only make things worse and I don't want that," She said and he nodded knowing she was right.

"What are you going to do right now?" he asked her and she shrugged.

"I think I will go help Jackson in MedBay. I don't think they will be coming back for some time and I won't be able to sleep anytime soon so might as well do something to keep myself busy," She said and he nodded.

"Yeah, I'm helping set up patrol now that all of us are back. Kane gave me the authority to do it since Byrne is gone and Sergeant Miller is with Nathan," He said and she nodded before she turned to leave and go in the direction her mother was being treated and Bellamy went to check with the guards whose turn it was to make the rounds and how long they should do it. Clarke could not help but wonder why Lexa had not called for her. Could she not want to see Clarke? Or was it because she couldn't face the blonde after betraying her? She didn't know.

All she knew that the dream she had with Lexa dying had left shaken and she was fighting against it with everything she had but there was a feeling of need to see the girl to make sure that she was okay, that there was no chance in hell that the dream would be reality. She didn't want to feel this way. She wanted to forget the girl with green eyes for good. Lexa broke her trust and she didn't know if she would ever be able to get it back.

If she would be able to trust the girl with her people and more importantly with her heart? No, she wouldn't. Lexa made her choice and the choice wasn't her. She chose her people over Clarke as she said she would always do. She couldn't fault her for that but it only meant that she needed to protect herself from the girl who she knew she would never forget, no matter what happened and how long it passed. Lexa would stay in her mind and Clarke could only sigh in defeat as she continued walking through Alpha Station.

With thousands of grounders, why did she have to fall in love with the Commander of them all?


	9. Second Intentions

Second Intentions

After debriefing Nyko on what his mission was and after he left, Lexa excused everyone else from her tent and finally decided to take care of herself, which was something she had hoped it would help to take her mind off of whatever her mind was conjuring up that was happening to Clarke. She had not slept at all the night before, however that was not a problem even because it was not the first and probably wouldn't be the last sleepless night she will ever have. She was actually used to it, she had spent countless of nights at once without sleeping at all, it didn't bother her anymore.

However, Lexa needed to change her clothes from her battle armor as well clean the dirt and blood off from her face as well as check on her new tattoo to make sure that it heals the way it is supposed to and doesn't get infected so she quickly ordered for a bath to be prepared for her and as soon as it was ready, she shed her clothes until she was completely bare and slide into the tub and let the water calm her weary heart and relax her mind although that relaxed state didn't last very long as her mind started running thoughts over everything.

Lexa first thought about her life as Commander. Sometimes, Lexa wondered how things would have been if she was not Commander, if she had not won the Conclave, if one of the others had become their leader. Would things be better? Or worst? Lexa knew the answer to that which is why she fought so hard to win her Conclave. She was always the only one except for Luna who was ever interested in bringing peace. She had always questioned why the previous Commanders had never tried to bring the clans together and when she got to power, she started formulating her own ideas on how to accomplish that.

Besides it was pointless to ask herself those questions. She was Commander, she was always meant to be Commander and things were what they were, the way they were supposed to be. She had to focus on the now but even the now was problematic for her and she didn't know how everything would turn out. What would the Sky People do now that they have conquered the Mountain? She knew she said to Indra that they wouldn't attack but she couldn't be sure. She figured Clarke wouldn't want that but the others, she was not so sure which is why she send for Marcus Kane to come and talk to her. Why him?

Because all he knew was that the Commander had betrayed her allies, he didn't know what went on between the two young leaders only hours before. Only Clarke did. So, she trusted that he would be more practical and perhaps less hostile with her beyond that. The girl was a strong leader, one of the strongest leaders Lexa had ever met but Clarke lead with her emotions and that was something Lexa loved and admired about her but that could backfire on her plans. She needed someone that could understand that there were benefits for both sides to have peace between their people.

The fact that the Sky People had single handedly defeated her people's biggest enemy could have two different effects. The first was to scare the other clans away from them out of fear of being their next target, that would give them some sense of protection. The second way this could go was to install fear so much that her people would be even more determinate to kill them all, until they no longer presented a threat and that she could not allow to happen because that would mean Clarke's death and even if the blonde girl hates her for all eternity, she would always try to protect her.

Lexa, quickly finished her bath, got out of the tub, wrapped herself in a towel and went to get changed to new clothes that had been laid on bed for her to wear as she saw that her coat had been cleaned up like she asked. She kept thinking of a backup plan in case the conversation with Kane didn't work out the way she wanted it to. The first thought that crossed her mind was to destroy the Mountain, but she had no idea how. Thoughts kept going through her head over and over again and as she finished braiding her hair, she heard Indra come inside.

She trusted the general enough to give her permission to enter her tent whenever the woman felt the need to see her unless given strict orders otherwise. "**Heda. The Sky People are here**," The general said as Lexa finished putting her head piece in place but left out the war paint to keep the meeting as friendly as she possibly could. She got up and turned to the older woman.

"**Then, let's not leave our guests waiting**," She said and passed the woman and walked to her throne taking a sit on it as Indra came to her side and the Sky People were let inside her tent.

"Commander," Marcus said greeting her respectfully and Lexa nodded at him.

"Marcus of the Sky People. I appreciate you coming to talk to me," Lexa said to him and he nodded his head.

"Of course, Commander," He said to her and she nodded at him before she started speaking.

"I heard about the return of your people from the Mountain. I am glad you managed to get them back," She said and Octavia scoffed.

"No thanks to you," She whispered but Lexa still heard it. The girl was brave or just plain stupid. There was no difference between the two so Lexa let it go.

"I believe it's better if I go straight to the point of this meeting. I asked you here to discuss future relations between our people. I understand that my actions on Mount Weather have hurt your people deeply and therefore they do not trust me or my people which is understandable given the circumstances. But, believe me when I say I wish no harm against your people which is why I propose a truce," Lexa said in her Commander's voice but a little more gentle than usual, the one she used when dealing with potential allies who could also be potentially very dangerous enemies.

"An alliance between our people? Is that what you are proposing?" Kane asked trying to make sure he understood her point and what she wanted from them, but she shook her head.

"No. I don't believe your people would be happy to join mine in an alliance, not so soon anyway given what happened. A truce is simply that. A cease fire if you prefer. The promise that as long as your people don't attack mine, then we will leave you alone," Lexa finished explaining to him and he nodded understanding her intentions now.

"I understand, but how could we trust you Commander? The last time we did, it didn't work out very well for my people. And although I can understand the reasons behind your decision, as you said so yourself, we were hurt deeply by it. Some more than others," He said to her and she nodded understanding of his reluctance. She expected it.

The last part almost made her choke on the thought of how much Clarke has been hurt by her actions. She wished that she could have prevented that, the last thing she had wanted was to hurt the one person who was able to open her up for love once again. She wished that Emerson had never gotten hold of her people and threatened their lives to make her agree with his deal. She wished that she could have chosen Clarke. She wished she could have had the chance Lincoln did to be with his beloved. But she didn't and nothing would change that.

"You have my word that as long as you don't break the truce, I won't break it either," Lexa said and this time, Octavia could not hold herself from speaking.

"Yes, because we both know that your word is worth so much," She said and Indra was about to pull her sword and teach the girl a lesson but Lexa raised her hand and stopped her.

"I have never given your people my word about sticking to the alliance if it wasn't in the best interest for my people. Clarke didn't ask for my word, she asked for an alliance and I said yes. An alliance can be broken at any point as it was by me last night but to answer your question, Octavia, my word is worth more than any law for I do not go back on it once is given," Lexa explained and she meant it. She had never gone back on her word even if she wanted to which is why it was difficult for her to give it in the first place.

Octavia realized that Lexa was right. She never gave her word to the Sky People to fight with them no matter what, the alliance was to get her people out and she did so with that in mind, she decided it was best if she kept quiet and didn't provoke the woman who was holding her future and Lincoln's in her hands. "Look Marcus, none of us want to go to war again. We both just got our people back from the Mountain and they need our care, let's not jump into something that can easily be avoided," Lexa took a deep breath before she continued.

"The winter is coming, and you will need your people in their best form to go through it and mine are in need to have time to get their health back as well. I believe a truce is the best course of action for both sides. At least for now. What say you?" Lexa asked him and waited as Kane seemed to think about it.

"I agree that both people deserve a break from war. The Sky People accept the cease fire. We will not attack you unless you attack us first," He said to her and Lexa internally relaxed though she didn't show any of it.

"That is much appreciated. Thank you for understanding the situation we're all in," She said to him and he nodded before she turned her attention to the other two.

"Since that is solved, we should move forwards to the other part of business here. Lincoln and Octavia, step forward," She said to them and the two did as asked.

"I called you here because you both disobeyed a direct order from me, your Commander. A treason, some would say. But in the spirits of the victory of the Mountain and your participation in it, I will give you a choice. A choice I do not usually give those who dare to defy me so do consider yourselves lucky that I am even considering this," Lexa said firmly, and they nodded.

"I decided to give you both a third chance so your choice is that you can either return with Marcus to Camp Jaha, both of you to be ultimately recognized as part of Skaikru therefore free of any punishment that comes from your disobedience or stay here, both to be recognized as Trikru leaving behind your previous relations with other clans and face punishment for your actions as I see fit," Lexa said surprising everyone including Indra.

"You're saying that if we choose to, we could stay here for good? To be part of Trikru?" Octavia asked her and Lexa nodded her head.

"You will continue to be Indra's second and Lincoln would be reinstated as a Trikru warrior." Lexa explained before she continued, "But you have to think this through for there will be no fourth chance. If you choose to stay, you will fully make the change from Skaikru to Trikru and any previous loyalty you had to them will end in favor of your new clan and your loyalty should be for Trikru and me as your Commander. The same would happen to Lincoln if you both choose to go back. He would be exiled from Trikru and would be known as Lincoln kom Skaikru, he wouldn't be considered one of us anymore," Lexa said to the couple.

"So what do you decide? If you need, you can have some time to talk between you two," Lexa said to them and the couple looked at each other as they seemed to have a silent conversation with their eyes before Octavia turned back to her and made the announcement.

"We choose to stay with Trikru and we will face any punishment you seem fit, Heda," Octavia said respectfully as she bowed her head in respect to the Commander as Lincoln did the same.

"Octavia, are you sure? What about Bellamy?" Kane asked her and she looked at him.

"My place is with the Trikru and with Lincoln. Bellamy will understand eventually," She said to him and he seemed to understand.

"Are you two sure of your decision? Because I warn you that there will be no more leniencies from me should you decide to disobey me again. If you defy me, you will pay with your life, no questions asked, no apologies or begging for your life. I will strike you down myself, so you better be sure you are ready to follow me and do what I say without questioning my motives or doing what you want," Lexa explained as she looked at both and waited for their answer.

"We understand and we accept your conditions, Heda. We would be most honored to be allowed back," Lincoln said and Lexa looked at him.

"**Against our traditions, I have allowed you back two times, you know very well that was it anyone else of my warriors, save Indra and I would have killed them the first time around. You better not force my hand again Lincoln, no matter our past, I will kill you just as I killed Gustus so think****through of what you will do with this last chance. I will not offer again,"**Lexa said too quickly for Octavia to understand but Lincoln certainly did, and he nodded.

"I understand, Heda. I accept your conditions. I will not betray you or our people again," He said firmly, and she nodded at them both.

"Very well. It is decided then. You both may go back with Marcus to get all of your stuff, say your goodbyes to those you care about. I'll send two warriors to accompany you safely back to your camp, Marcus. And make sure your people follow our truce." She said and he nodded.

"We will. Thank you for the offer, Commander. I hope relations between our people can get better in time." He said to her and she nodded.

"I hope so as well. Have a safe trip back to your camp," She said as he thanked her for her kindness and soon enough, all three nodded at her and left her tent.

"**Commander. Can I ask something?"** Indra asked when they were the only ones left and Lexa nodded at her.

"**Of course, Indra, go right ahead and ask me what you want to know**," She gave the woman permission to say what was on her mind.

"**Why did you give them a chance to join Trikru after what they did? It can't just be because of their part in the defeat of the Mountain**," Indra said coming to stand in front of Lexa who smiled.

"**It seems you know me too well, Indra for me to be able to fool you. Fortunately, there are not many people alive that have that capacity or else I might be in trouble**," Lexa said smiling at the woman and Indra nodded before Lexa took a deep breath and relaxed her stance in her throne before answering the general's question.

"**Though that part is true, it is not the only reason I let them return. The other reason is that Clarke cares about Bellamy and Octavia. I doubt he would let anyone attack this camp knowing his sister is here and Clarke wouldn't go against him. She cares about him**," Lexa explained trying to keep her jealousy at bay but Indra seemed to see it anyway.

"**Octavia's presence guarantees that the Skaikru will not attack us as to not hurt her in the process**," She said understanding and Lexa nodded, "**That is brilliant, Commander**," Indra said to her and Lexa shook her head.

"**I'm just doing the best thing for my people. We cannot risk it. The desire for revenge is powerful and the Sky People are still learning how to live down here, we should be prepared in case someone tries something. But, in regard to Octavia and Lincoln, they will be punished accordingly but I count with you to help reintegrate them into our people Indra**," Lexa said and the woman nodded.

"**You can always count with me Commander**," Indra said to her and she truly meant it, Lexa was a leader more than worthy of her loyalty and Lexa nodded her head at the older woman.

"**Good**. **You and I have much work ahead of us, Indra. This is just the beginning,**" Both women looked at each other and knew that it was true. Much more was to come for them to deal with, one of those things being the Ice Nation constantly breathing down their necks, only waiting for the perfect opportunity to attack as well as Lexa's plans for her people. They had an uphill battle until things were the way the young brunette dreamed of, but she had hope and faith that she would get to make a lot of it happen, she just couldn't silence the part of her that wished for Clarke to be by her side helping her accomplish that.


	10. Goodbyes and Gifts

Goodbyes and Gifts

Clarke joined Jackson in MedBay, which was short on staff with her mom being one of the patients. She had also been drilled upon during the short time she was held captive by Cage, more than that she was chosen simply because she was Clarke's mother, as payback for killing Dante, and with not many of the other doctors surviving the landing. Clarke came inside and offered her services as Jackson smiled at her, thanking her for the help before directing her to a set of patients he had figured she would like the chance to treat. One of those patients was Raven so, after checking on the others, Clarke quickly decided to go check on her friend, who was still accompanied by Wick, sitting down on a chair by the side of her bed.

"Hey, Raven. Hi Wick. It's good to see you guys are okay," Clarke said, and the woman looked at her and gave her a small smile.

"Hey, Princess. Thanks. But to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" Raven said and the engineer nodded at her.

"Wick, I need to examine Raven so if you could leave us alone for just a moment." Clarke said and he nodded before looking at Raven, standing up from the chair and walking away. Clarke then walked around the bed to the left side of it to check on her leg.

"Level of pain from 1 to 10. And don't bullshit me, Raven. Tell me the truth, no matter how bad it is. Trust me?" Clarke asked as she examined and Raven winced.

"I would have to say it's a solid 8 and that is because I'm on some heavy painkillers, according to Jackson at least," Raven said sincerely. For some reason, she felt like she could talk to Clarke and she wouldn't pity her like everyone else.

"The drilling did a lot of damage to your leg which only worsen the situation so it is possible that you will feel more pain in it for a while but, I think that some exercises could help alleviate something of the discomfort but I think that my mom would be able to help you better with that." Clarke said and Raven nodded.

"How are you dealing with your pain? The one inside?" Raven asked her genuinely concerned and Clarke looked at the mechanic as she sighed before sitting down on the bed.

"I don't know." Clarke said shrugging, "A part of me knows that I did the right thing, the only thing I could have done to save our people. Cage was not going to stop, not until he had killed all of you and I couldn't let that happen so I made a choice and saved all of you like I set out to do." Clarke explained and Raven listened, "But there is another part of me that cannot accept that I murdered an entire civilization, just like that. I killed children, Raven. Innocents, our allies who helped us. I killed them all. How do I move past that?" Clarke said and Raven nodded.

"Well, I don't know what is like to have to make those decisions and what it feels like to live with the consequences the way you have to. However, I do know that you are stronger than you think, than you are feeling right now. And yes, it will suck for a long while but I know you will forgive yourself for it, eventually. As I have forgiven you for killing Finn," Raven said, and Clarke was surprised to hear that.

"What? You forgave me? How? When? Why?" Clarke asked the girl and Raven chuckled at her reaction and nodded.

"Let me tell you, it was not easy. I mean, if we are going to talk about that, we have to bring back to the beginning. You slept with my boyfriend," Raven said smirking and Clarke sighed.

"I know and I am very sorry for that. If I had known he had a girlfriend, I would have never let anything happen between us," She said, and Raven nodded.

"I know, it was his fault for not telling you and for doing that to me, but what I am talking about is, he chose you. He fell in love with you and although I didn't want to admit it, Finn was broken and that love, you were the only thing he cared about," Raven said, and Clarke nodded.

"War, what he had done, changed him into that person who massacred that village. I didn't know who that person was. That was not the boy who traded his rations for me, who went to the Sky Box to protect me, who arranged that meeting with the grounders to have peace between us and them, who wanted us to do better than kill each other if there was another way. That boy was gone and neither you or I wanted to accept that. You know we didn't," Raven said shaking her head and Clarke sighed.

"When we went to talk to Lincoln and he told us to take the deal, I told him that Finn was not that person, that cruel person who killed those 18 innocent people. But then he told me that we all have a monster inside of us and we are all responsible for it does when we let it out," Clarke said, and Raven nodded.

"Yeah, he changed after you and the others were taken, probably even before that, and I can see now that he was not meant for how hard life is on the ground, what we need to do to survive, who we are willing to kill. Finn was not as strong as we wanted him to be," Raven explained, and Clarke nodded.

"You weren't there, Raven but we saw him gun those people down. He just kept shooting, like it was nothing and when he saw me, it was clear to see in his eyes that I was the only thing he cared about at that moment. He just looked at me and said he found me while the bodies were lying on the floor and the people were crying over them. I was scared of him, Raven. I never thought I would be afraid that he would hurt me but, in that moment, I was," Clarke said as she remembered that moment when she saw what had happened.

It seemed so long ago, as if it had been a lifetime before, but it had been less than three weeks. When Bellamy told her that Finn had just shot a guy in the head and didn't even react to it, she said it didn't sound like Finn and it really didn't. When she brought the guns to camp and when she brought weapons to the meeting with the grounders, Finn had been against it. He had not even killed anyone until they were attacked by that reaper and it was like something broke inside of him the moment he cracked that guy's skull, and he changed from one end of the spectrum to another. Suddenly, he was capable of committing an atrocity.

He went from a boy that wouldn't pick up a gun and wouldn't like anyone to do it either to a boy who would slaughter innocent people as if they were sitting ducks and Clarke couldn't even understand how that happened or even the pace of how it happened. The last time she saw him before the battle, he was the sweet and cute boy she had come to have feelings for and who she chose to give her virginity to and three to four days later, he was this angry and instable guy who couldn't be trusted, who scared her. When Clarke heard the gunshots, she took off in a run but was not fast enough to get there in time to avoid the disaster altogether

She had known that her absence and abduction had taken a toll on Finn and knew that he had been desperate to trying to find her, trying to save her and that he had been willing to do anything, kill anyone who was on his way, anyone he judged was between them. Clarke couldn't help but wonder what would have been Finn's reaction if he had been alive to witness her falling in love with the Commander? Would he have accepted it or would his reaction have been similar to that one? Go on a rampage or try to kill Lexa? No. Clarke shook her head, she couldn't think about Lexa right now. She focused back on her talk with Raven.

"Yeah, I know. I didn't know how to react to it either or even when the Commander demanded that we gave him up which led me to some bad decisions," Raven said sincerely, and Clarke nodded before looking at her.

"Raven, you do know that trying to pin the blame on Murphy so he would die in Finn's place was really shitty, even if it was Murphy and you had every reason to hate him, don't you?" Clarke said trying to be gentle and Raven sighed closing her eyes.

"I know and I am not excusing it, but I was desperate, Finn was the only family I had left. Even if he loved you, he was still my person, you know?" Raven said to her and Clarke nodded, "Murphy was a jackass and he left me like this, with a screwed-up leg but I shouldn't have done what I did. I just wanted to save Finn so badly," She said, and Clarke nodded.

"Me too but I remember that he said to me that even if we could save him, he wouldn't be the same. That the thing he had done would haunt him. And I believe it would be true. I mean, I don't know if he would be able to deal with what he did, not like we are trying to do now," Clarke said to the mechanic who nodded at her.

"I also shouldn't have told you to try to kill the Commander. It was bad enough that Finn would be killed, you would have been too if you had tried," Raven said, Clarke shook her head.

"I understood why you asked me to do it and I can't say the thought didn't cross my mind, but I knew that the only way I could save him was to spare him the punishment. I am so sorry for it but there was no other way. They would have tortured him, I couldn't let that happen," Clarke said sincerely, and Raven nodded at her.

"Seeing what happened to Gustus, I realized why you did what you did and I thank you for it. I don't think I could have handled seeing him all cut and bloodied like that. You gave him a peaceful death which is why I have forgiven you. You did what you could to save him, I can't keep faulting you for that," Raven said to her and Clarke nodded as a tear fell down on her face and she wiped it with the back on her hand.

"Yeah, I think that now, the only thing we can do for him is remember him for the person he was and not the person he became. I will remember the guy who nicknamed me princess and was insufferably annoying and you will remember the guy who helped you spacewalk illegally and was there for you when you needed him the most," Clarke said smiling and Raven nodded smiling too as tears fell from her eyes as well.

They were silent when suddenly, someone came to join them and when they looked to see who was interrupting their talk, it was no other than Bellamy. "Hey, you guys okay?" he asked Raven and Clarke and they nodded.

"More or less. It hurts like a bitch but nothing I can't handle. You?" Raven answered and asked him as he gave her a small encouraging smile.

"I will be and I'm glad to hear you say that. But the reason I am here is because Kane, O and Lincoln have returned and they are requesting your presence in the council room," Bellamy said talking to Clarke who nodded.

"They returned from where?" Raven asked as Clarke turned to look back at her.

"Earlier, Nyko came here to deliver a message from the Commander that she wanted to speak with the three of them so they left with him and apparently, I can finally know what the hell she wanted with them." Clarke explained and Raven nodded.

"Well, then, go ahead. I think I will take a very good and deserved nap. See you guys later." Raven said closing her eyes and within a couple of seconds was sleeping.

"Is she really okay?" Bellamy asked the blonde to make sure that they would lose one more friend and Clarke nodded her head at him, smoothing the mechanic's hair out of her face.

"She will be with our help, but as for right now, she is just on painkillers, so there is nothing to worry about," She explained to him before she stood up and walked out of medical along with Bellamy as they made their way to the council room.

Clarke opened the door and saw Kane, Octavia and Lincoln and since she didn't know what to expect, she was quite anxious especially because they would be talking about Lexa and she can't help what just the mention of the other girl makes her feel. The friends came to stop by the table and Clarke looked at them. "So, what did the Commander want?" She asked and Kane sighed before turning to her.

"Well, as we anticipated, she wanted to discuss what would be the relations between our people now that our alliance had been broken and we survived the Mountain as well as what would happen next," He said and Clarke nodded at him.

"And?" Bellamy asked curious to know what else the Commander wanted with them. He wasn't the biggest fan of the woman and one of the many reasons why was sitting in the room.

"And she proposed a truce between our people," Kane answered the question.

"You mean another alliance? Because if it is, I don't care what they will do. We will refuse them," Bellamy spoke agitatedly at the thought and Kane shook his head.

"No, not an alliance. I asked her the same question and she explained to me what she wanted. A truce is more like a cease fire. We don't attack them, they don't attack us. If we honor that, we will be left alone." He said and Clarke nodded understanding why Lexa would do that.

"Did you accept it?" She asked him but she already knew the answer to that.

"Yes, I did. Our people are still recovering from everything that happened in the Mountain. We can't throw them into another war," Kane answered her and Clarke knew it.

"And what guarantees do we have that they will honor it? After all, from what we have seen, they don't tend to keep their end of a deal that well," Bellamy asked him.

"The Commander gave us her word and apparently to her people, her word is law." Kane answered and Bellamy shook his head.

"She said the same thing last time and look at what happened. What she did to us," Bellamy said but Clarke was the one who shook her head and spoke.

"She never gave us her word that she would fight with us until the end, Bellamy. We were in an alliance to get each of our people out of that place as safely as possible and she got hers," Clarke said looking at him as he looked back at her.

"You trust her? After everything she did? After everything she made us do with her decision to be a coward?" He asked, irritated that Clarke would defend the woman and the blonde sighed.

"I trust she doesn't want to go to war, I trust that she doesn't want any more of her people to die. I trust that she wants her people safe so yes, despite everything, I think she will honor it," Clarke said to him and he sighed.

"Well, I don't trust her, I don't know if I ever will but I trust you," Bellamy said to her and she gave him a small smile before turning back to Kane.

"Was that all?" She asked him and he nodded.

"Of what she wanted to discuss with me, yes," He said, and she gave Kane a small smile before Bellamy turned to his sister.

"What about you? What did she want with you?" He asked her and Lincoln and Octavia took on a deep breath before she answered.

"The Commander said that given our participation in the Mountain Men's defeat, she would be willing to overlook the fact that Lincoln and I disobeyed her orders and would give us another chance." She said and Clarke was shocked. She wasn't expecting that.

"Really? She offered to pardon you from your treason?" She asked curious as to why would Lexa be so lenient with Octavia when they don't even like each other and the younger Blake nodded her head.

"Yes, she did but that was not all," Octavia said to the blonde before looking back at her brother and preparing herself for what was coming next.

"What else is there?" he asked her. Bellamy was already suspicious of what the Commander could possibly want with his sister and now, something tells him that he won't like the answer.

"She said that we had a choice, either join the Trikru for good or stay with the Skaikru for good." Octavia said and Bellamy and Clarke were shocked as the younger Blake continued, "And we chose to join the Trikru. We leave today for their camp," Octavia said, Bellamy shook his head.

"No, you can't do that. O…" He was saying but she interrupted him.

"I know what you're going to say, Bell but it's my life and I don't belong here. I never did," She said before she moved closer to him and held his hand in her, "If I stay here, I will always be either the girl under the floor or the girl trying to be a grounder. With the Trikru, I have a place I earned. I can be free. I have to go." She said to him and he looked at her sadly and nodded.

"You will always belong with me," He said to her with all his sincerity and all his love and she nodded before moving to hug him as he hugged her back tightly. Clarke just watched and knew that the distance would be difficult for Bellamy, he always had Octavia by his side and now she wouldn't be anymore. She hoped he will be okay with it.

"When do you have to leave?" He asked her once they pulled back from the hug.

"Right now. I talked to Monty and Jasper and will go say goodbye to Raven and then we will leave," Octavia said, and he nodded. She turned to Clarke and only offered her hand and Clarke took shaking it. She had hoped to fix her friendship with Octavia, but she also knew they had a long road ahead of that but in the mean time she would take it.

"Good luck. I hope you find everything that you searched for in your life. You deserve it. I hope you and Lincoln get to be really happy," Clarke said genuinely, and Octavia nodded.

"Take care of him for me," She said mentioning to her brother and Clarke nodded before they let go as Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln walked out of the room leaving her alone with Kane.

She was about to leave when Kane stopped her. "Wait, I have something for you," He said to her, and she looked at him questioningly. He grabbed a book from the table and handed it to her. She looked at it and was shocked to see which one it was.

"2001: A space odyssey, Arthur C. Clarke. My Dad's favorite. I was named after him," She said with a surprised but happy smile on her face before she looked up at the man.

"How did you find this? I thought there were none left," She asked him, she would really like to keep the book to remind her of her father. Kane shook his head and smiled at her.

"I didn't find this and here in Camp Jaha, there really are no other copy. The book is not mine or ours," He said to her and she frowned trying to understand how he got his hands on it then.

"Then, whose book is it? Who gave this to you?" She asked him, although something deep down in her heart already told her whose book it is, and he smiled at her.

"Lexa gave it to me to give it to you. She told me it was her favorite book and that when she learned you were named after the author, she had planned to give it to you but didn't have the chance and didn't know if you would accept if she was the one to do it now, so she asked me to deliver it," He said to her and she was beyond shocked. This was Lexa's favorite book.

"I..." She started but didn't know what to say. What do you say to that?

"We should go see Octavia off," He said squeezing her shoulder and passing by her. She didn't know how to react to what just happened.

All she did was open the book and on the front page was a signature. Clarke passed her hands over it and she closed her eyes and tried to even her breath. Why must Lexa torture her like this? She shook her head and headed out of the room and Alpha Station and watched Bellamy say goodbye to Octavia before the girl got up on the horse along with Lincoln and followed the two grounders who came with them as she clenched the book against her chest.

**This book belongs to,**

**Alexandria of the Woods Clan.**


	11. Hold Me

Hold Me

"_Bellamy said that they are already starting to take my friends from the dorm, they probably started drilling them for their bone marrow and we are still here, doing nothing but waiting. I hate this! We should be able to do something more than just sit around," Clarke said hitting her hand against the table as Lexa watched her from her table on the other side of the tent. _

_The Commander had been eating and was just relaxing, leaning back on her chair as she watched the blonde fret over the plans once again. Lexa had been in this position so many times before that she has learned how to deal with her nervousness as well as her anxiety. She knew it was no good to work herself up before a battle, it would only make her tired and slower if it came to a fight. And as she remembered that just last night, Clarke had wondered about the doors and now it was her friends, Lexa shook her head at the blonde's antics and gave a small chuckle taking a sip of her drink as Clarke turned to her._

"_What are you laughing about? Do you think my friends dying is something funny?" Clarke asked her quite angrily and Lexa thought the blonde looked adorable, especially when she was angry. Lexa, however, didn't say any of that out loud, she just shook her head. _

"_Of course not. I could never feel joy at whatever your friends are going through inside that place Clarke. In fact, I understand very well your worry. My people are in there being drained for their blood as well. What I found funny was that you are always worrying about something. Do you ever stop worrying? Like one second of a day?" Lexa said crossing one leg on top of the other and Clarke sighed and gave her a small smile. _

"_I haven't stopped worrying about everything since the council sentenced my father to death and me to solitary because we dared to go against them, much less stop worrying since the 100 landed here. I don't know if at this point, I am even capable of doing anything else but that," Clarke said in a matter of fact attitude and Lexa believed her._

_The commander moved forward and pushed the other chair and motioned with her hand for Clarke to take. "Come on, join me," She said, and Clarke looked at her before sighing and moving towards her sitting down as Lexa poured the drink and offered the cup for Clarke, trying to not to react to when their fingers touched, and she noticed the nervous look Clarke gave her. Was the blonde nervous because of her? Lexa couldn't forget the kiss they had shared just hours ago but she would respect the blonde's wishes for time and space._

"_Tell me something about you," Lexa said as Clarke took a sip and looked at her curiously. Why was the older woman asking her to do that? _

"_Something about me?" Clarke asked her and Lexa nodded her head, still with a friendly smile on her face, hoping she could make the blonde feel relaxed. _

"_Anything, it could be something irrelevant, a memory. Maybe it will help you relax before you get yourself worked up again," Lexa said, and Clarke nodded and seemed to think about what she could say before she smiled. _

"_Well, I was named after an author, Arthur C. Clarke. He wrote a book called 2001: a space odyssey and it was my Dad's favorite book so when I was born, he decided to name me after the guy," She said, and Lexa felt her heart make a jump._

_She knew what book was that. It was her favorite book ever since she first learned how to read in gonasleng, she loved that book. How ironic it was that it was connected to Clarke like this? "That is very nice," Lexa said to her and Clarke smiled. _

"_What about you? Where does the name Lexa comes from? What's the story behind it?" Clarke asked her and Lexa smirked back at her. _

"_My grandfather named me after Alexander, The Great. He believed that I would do amazing things for my people when I grew up just as Alexander did, or so my father told me. He died when I was one year old. And my name is not Lexa, it's Alexandria," Lexa said to her and Clarke stared at her and smiled._

"_Alexandria?" She asked testing the name and Lexa had to stop her heart once again. Hearing her full name coming from Clarke's mouth was like a beautiful melody and she wanted to hear the girl say it again for all eternity, but that would have to wait until after the battle tomorrow. _

"_Yes, Lexa is just a nickname the other kids I grew up with gave to me when I was but a young child. It was easier to say," Lexa answered her, and Clarke nodded. _

"_It's a beautiful name and with a very meaningful reason behind. Got say your grandpa was kind of right given everything you have done for your people," Clarke said to her and Lexa nodded her head, with a slight blush on her face. _

"_Thank you and Clarke is a very beautiful name. Fits you perfectly," She said, and she swore the blonde blushed a little before she recovered and stared at Lexa with curiosity in her eyes. _

"_Now you tell me something. A happy memory. Any happy memory you can think of," Clarke asked, and Lexa smiled trying to think of one before she made her choice. _

"_When I was 9 years old, I was Anya's second and we were in a village called Penta, a little south of TonDC and we were staying there for a month under the orders of the Commander at the time. There was a lot of attacks happening between the borders of Trikru and Azgeda, so we were there as a unit to defend the village and to push the Azgeda warriors back to their territory," Lexa said, and she noticed Clarke paying her attention and she continued,_

"_And well one day, Anya was in a meeting with the other generals from the other units and she sent me to train with the other seconds so I went and I was the youngest and the smallest one so one of them challenged me to climb a tree that was over 3 meters high and jump down from it to the ground and land on my feet." Lexa said and Clarke smiled. _

"_You didn't," Clarke said, and Lexa chuckled before seriously looking at the blonde girl. _

"_Of course, I did. Who do you take me for?" Lexa said as if offended for the doubt and Clarke laughed. Lexa found the sound to be as beautiful as its owner._

"_What happened then?" Clarke asked her and Lexa smiled. _

"_I climbed it and when I was high enough, I prayed to the Spirit to help me and made the leap. And as promised, I landed on my feet, only that I sprained both of my ankles," Lexa said, and Clarke shook her head. _

"_You're crazy. You know that? How could you do that? It must have been really painful," She smiled and Lexa chuckled. _

"_Oh, it was but that was not the worst part of the story," Lexa said, and Clarke was curious and surprised about what the Commander said. _

"_Is there a worst part that spraining both of your ankles?" She asked her afraid to learn the answer to that question and Lexa nodded. _

"_While I was climbing the tree, one of them went and told Anya about it so naturally she came to see it and when I landed was right in front of her," Lexa said, and Clarke laughed hard. Lexa laughed as well._

"_Oh my God. I can't even imagine it," Clarke said clutching her stomach. "What did she do to you?" She asked and Lexa smiled. _

"_She grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and dragged me through the muddy ground all the way back to the village before she berated me up for a good half an hour. Then, she threw me all around the mud calling me stupid in any possible way and language. After she was done and I went to the healer's tent, she stayed with me the whole night, never leaving. Later, I found out that she did all of that because she had been worried about me so in the end, it brought us closer. It's one of the fondest memories I have of her," Lexa said to the blonde._

"_Thank you for sharing one of your memories of her with me and I am sorry you lost her. I wish she could have survived and been here to help us," Clarke said honestly, and Lexa nodded. _

"_I had her for far longer than I thought I would, and I will have her with me until my last breath so there is no need for you to be sorry. And as for sharing it with you, I was more than glad to do it," Lexa said, and Clarke nodded at her. _

"_It did help me to relax. Made me forget what is coming tomorrow so thank you for that and sorry for annoying you with my worry," Clarke said to her and Lexa smiled. _

"_People you care about are in danger, it is only natural for you to be worried, there is no need to apologize. I wasn't in any way annoyed by it. It was actually amusing. But when worrying is the only thing you do, it can be a hindrance and be more dangerous to them, so it is good to always take the time to relax and not worry about it. Tomorrow, your mind will be relaxed and reenergized," Lexa said, and Clarke nodded._

"_You're right. Thank you. Do you mind if I go lie down for a bit?" Clarke said motioning to the bed and Lexa shook her head. _

"_Of course not, go right ahead. Make yourself comfortable," She said motioning to her bed in the tent and Clarke titled her head. _

"_And you? Aren't you going to lie down?" Clarke asked and Lexa was happy the blonde was concerned for her. _

"_I will lay on the floor later when I am tired. You should go to bed, we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow and you're not used to it," She said, and Clarke shook her head. _

"_No, I can't take your bed from you. Besides, it's not like we haven't shared it for the last three days," Clarke said, and Lexa looked at her. _

"_The difference is that I kissed you today and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable with my presence so close around," Lexa said, and Clarke took a deep breath and Lexa titled her head. "Did I say something wrong?" She asked and Clarke shook her head. _

"_I'm just didn't expect you to be so casual talking about it," Clarke said, and Lexa smiled. _

"_And that is why is better if I lay down on the floor instead of laying on the bed with you. You're more tired than I am besides I have slept in worse places than this. I will be fine," Lexa said, and Clarke looked at her as if pondering if she was telling the truth, so Lexa let her search for her answer, and it seemed she found it as Clarke nodded at her. _

"_Okay," Clarke said as she stood up and went to the bed, getting rid of her gloves and jacket._

_Lexa watched her lie down before she turned back to her cup. She wasn't sure why Clarke had been so surprised about how Lexa talked about their kiss. Why wouldn't she? If she had shared so much of her feelings for the girl today, why would she retreat now that they had definitely crossed that line? Clarke already had the power to see behind the walls she built, she accepted it and with what happened earlier, Lexa decided to just let the walls stay down. She took another sip of her drink and closed her eyes titling her head back as she pondered about everything that would or could happen comes the morning._

_A few minutes went by that way before Lexa decided to go rest as well. She got rid of her coat and grabbed some furs and put them on the ground, laying down on them besides the bed. She closed her eyes to go to sleep before she heard movement and Clarke's voice. "Lexa." She said and the brunette opened her eyes, looked up at her and saw Clarke scoot away as she understood what the gesture meant. Clarke was inviting her to sleep on the bed. Lexa titled her head and Clarke gave her a small nod._

_Lexa stood up and moved to lay down on her back facing the ceiling of the tent. She was feeling a lot of things being so close to Clarke and she was trying very hard to stay on her side of the makeshift bed. She didn't want Clarke to think that she would try anything with her. She wouldn't, not unless the blonde wanted her to. One of the many qualities she always had and was always proud of it was her chivalry and with Clarke, the feeling of wanting to be respectful was extremely amplified. However, it seemed Clarke didn't share her resolve. "Lexa," Clarke called, and Lexa turned her head to the side to look at the girl. _

"_Yes Clarke? Is anything wrong?" She asked worried and Clarke shook her head negative to that question before she took a deep breath._

"_Can I ask you for a very, extremely selfish favor?" She spoke in one breath and Lexa nodded at her. There was almost nothing in this moment that the girl wouldn't ask her that she wouldn't do it for her. That was how much, how deep her feelings for the blonde were becoming._

"_Of course, you can ask me anything Clarke. What do you want from me?" Lexa asked her with a smile and Clarke seemed to debate with herself before she decided to go for it. _

"_Can you hold me?" She asked the brunette and Lexa could see in her eyes how much she was feeling vulnerable and anxious to be asking such a personal thing from the very woman she had kissed earlier so the only answer Lexa could come up with and the one she gave the blonde was opening her arm. Clarke understood the permission and moved forward to rest her head on Lexa's chest, right above her heart as Clarke listened to the racing heartbeat and sighed in relief as Lexa wrapped her arm around her body pulling her closer to her. _

"_I know it must be confusing, given what I said earlier, and I don't want to make this difficult on you, that is the last thing I want, but I'm scared and I…" Clarke started but Lexa cut her off._

"_Shh," Lexa said as her right hand went to the blonde's face and caressed her cheek. Lexa then kissed the top of the blonde's head as Clarke closed her eyes at the amazing feeling that the whole experience was providing for her and she took the initiative to press herself closer to the girl feeling completely safe being in Lexa's arms. Even when she had been with Finn, she hadn't felt like this. It was like their bodies were made to complement each other and Clarke fit perfectly against Lexa's side and inside her arms._

"_I became Anya's second when I was 7 years old. The youngest novitiate to be chosen as a second in the history of my people. It had never happened before. She was 10 years older than me, but she was an already respected warrior and I admired her very much, so I was very happy. She didn't want me, of course," Lexa said as Clarke chuckled, "She argued with the Commander that she had no need for a second, even less one like me but I insisted and, in the end, for some reason, she decided to agree and took me in," Lexa explained._

"_She would be extremely hard on me during training, and I spent many times wondering if she hated me that much. I wouldn't quit even if she did, but I wanted her to at least acknowledge me. She wouldn't. Not until one day, the village we were in was attacked by a group that had been cast out and that was when I killed for the first time. One warrior was going to attack Anya from behind so I shot an arrow on his chest. Perfect shot. Right in the heart. He turned to look at me and if I close my eyes, I can see his face clearly," Lexa said as she did it._

"_Once they were dealt with and we returned to our quarters, Anya carried me to her bed, put me down on it and laid beside me and held me through the night as I cried. She kept rubbing my back," Lexa said doing that to Clarke, "and told me stories one after the other until I fell asleep. The next day, she treated me just as hard as she did the day before," Lexa said before kissing Clarke's head again. _

"_Just because you need my comfort tonight doesn't mean that anything has to change in the way you treat me tomorrow Clarke. You need time and I will give that to you. Tonight, you're in my arms because that is what you need but tomorrow, everything will be the same. You don't need to worry hurting my feelings or confusing me. I know exactly where we stand and I am okay with it so please, stop worrying," Lexa said sincerely, and Clarke pulled back at little to look up to her and their faces were extremely close._

"_Thank you for being so understanding. I don't think I know many people in your position who would have been," Clarke whispered as she gazed at the brunette with awe and admiration in her eyes as well as other things Lexa preferred not to delve in right now. Lexa smirked at her. _

"_You know that looking at me like that you are testing my self-restraint, don't you?" She said and Clarke smiled at her. _

"_Maybe," The blonde said, and Lexa chuckled as she brought their faces closer, their lips but a breath away as they both closed their eyes. _

"_You're lucky, I have enough restraint for both of us," Lexa said and pulled back just enough to look at Clarke. She was so overwhelmed about the feelings the blonde were stirring inside of her that she couldn't help herself._

"_Yu laik meizen. Ai hod yu in, Clarke kom Skaikru," Lexa said and knew that she meant every word, especially the last ones and Clarke was confused using the foreign language. _

"_What does that mean?" She asked her wanting to know what Lexa just confessed to her and Lexa smiled at the curiosity she could see in the blonde's beautiful blue eyes. _

"_If I am lucky, one day I will have the chance to tell you. However, now we must try to sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day," Lexa said and Clarke nodded readjusting herself to her previous position as she let Lexa's heartbeat lure her to sleep and as the Commander noticed the blonde's breathing even out, she knew the blonde leader had fallen asleep so she closed her eyes and soon enough sleep claimed her as well._


	12. Glimpse of reasons

Glimpse of Reasons

After Indra left her tent, Lexa decided to take some time to rest after the sleepless night she had and shrugged off her armor before throwing herself on the bed and covering her face with one arm as she sighed. She couldn't help but remember that night and sighed. Would there ever be a chance where she would be allowed to hold the blonde in her arms? She didn't know and didn't dare to hope. She took the deal knowing very well, that she may lose Clarke forever. She probably already has.

Lexa had warned her guards to only disturb her if it was something of an emergency or else, she was to be left alone so she knew she would have some time before the next crisis came up and she would be required to solve it. But, in the mean time before that happens, she decided to use the time to try to get her mind to think of other things besides Clarke, but she knew that it was a pointless fight. The blonde girl from the Sky has never left her mind from the moment Lexa first saw her until now and Lexa doubted she ever would.

Truth be told, ever since Clarke came inside her tent that day and Lexa looked into those pools of blue that were held in the blonde's eyes, Lexa had fallen in love. She knew herself well enough to know that all it took was one look and the girl standing her ground against her and she was captivated. Nobody dared to talk to her like that, not even the other leaders, not even Costia, with the exception of Nia who always bordered on the boundaries of disrespect, but Clarke stood up for herself and her people without bowing to her or disrespecting her.

Those feelings the blonde girl awakened within her something Lexa had no control over, something she had thought she had buried deep inside of her never to see the light of day again but, boy was she wrong. She just knew that even if she tried to stop her heart from ever falling for someone else again, she had lost that fight the moment Clarke entered her tent, her heart, her mind, her soul, her life. Lexa sighed taking her arm off of her face and looked up to the ceiling. She knew she wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon so she decided to take a walk around the camp to clear her mind.

She got up and redressed herself before making her way out of her tent, dismissing her guard when he tried to follow her. Ryder was a nice guard, a loyal one which was far more important for her and her safety but she wanted to be alone with her thoughts. His presence felt like it was invading her moment of thinking about the Sky leader. Every moment they spent together, every decision they made together just made Lexa fall more in love with the girl. She tried to contain it. Tried to remind herself that love was weakness and that to be Commander is to be alone but one look at the girl and she couldn't remember any of it.

When she realized that she could not turn back, that her feelings were too strong and had a strong hold over her heart, Lexa tried to keep them to herself. She could love the girl but only she would know about it. Clarke would be none the wiser about what she made Lexa feel. She really tried it, with every bit of strength she had. But it was another lost fight. It became too much so when Clarke backed her up against the table and confronted her about her feelings and what happened at TonDC, she couldn't help but to blurt it all out.

'Not everyone. Not you.'

Lexa had confessed her feelings, unplanned and unsure of the response she would receive. She just blurted them out loud and Clarke's eyes widen before she schooled her features again and Lexa was thankful for that. She was able to get a hold of herself again but when they disagreed and Clarke left, she tried to calm herself down and when she called Clarke back to her tent trying to downplay it as if it didn't happen, the hopeful and optimistic way Clarke spoke of what they deserved was the last straw and Lexa couldn't help but leaning in to kiss the girl.

The kiss was beyond perfect and beyond anything Lexa could explain. It was like she had been drowning in sorrow and pain for all her life and in that moment, the moment their lips touched, everything disappeared. Even if she tried, she couldn't describe what she felt, the fear, the excitement, the desire, all feelings were there, mixed up inside of her and Lexa knew that she had never felt that way kissing anyone before, not even Costia. Clarke's lips were so soft, and Lexa wanted to kiss her so much, but she wanted to show Clarke that they were not savages, that she could be gentle. She wanted to be gentle for her.

So, she did the right thing in the moment, she slowed down her desire and simply held their lips together for a few seconds, trying to not scare the girl. And wanting to be sure that she was not taking advantage of Clarke, Lexa pulled away a little to let the other girl decided what she wanted, if she would push her away, slap her, pull her closer. Lexa wanted Clarke to know that she had the control of the situation, that Lexa would follow her lead, respectfully whatever way she wanted it to go, so when Clarke leaned in and kissed her back, Lexa was more than happy to comply with her choice, trying to ignore the flare of hope and excitement that the return of the kiss erupted in her heart.

Clarke had kissed her back even pulling her closer and Lexa thought everything was going okay, more than okay between them, that they were in the same page, that they both wanted each other, even if not sexually yet, at least the kiss meant Clarke liked her as well, that she was okay with exploring this new facet to their relationship but suddenly Clarke pulled back from the kiss and as much as Lexa wanted to keep kissing her, she would never force the girl to do anything she didn't want and if Clarke regretted kissing her back, then Lexa would respect it. Which is why she stepped back, she didn't want to make the blonde girl uncomfortable.

When Clarke said that she wasn't ready to be with anyone, Lexa felt her heart break inside her chest into pieces. Clarke didn't feel the same way she did. Clarke didn't want to be with her. In a matter of seconds, she even questioned if the blonde had wanted to kiss her at all or she had unintentionally forced her to do it, with Clarke fearing for her life if she were to dare to reject the oh so powerful Commander. To be honest, Lexa was crushed but she wouldn't let it show since she didn't want to make Clarke feel bad for rejecting her. She was allowed to feel whatever she felt, and Lexa had no business in making her think that she had to like her back.

But then, in the few second all those thoughts and more raced through Lexa's mind, Clarke added the 'Not yet' and Lexa could feel herself become hopeful that when the war was over, when the battle was won and their people were rescued and safe, that maybe she would still have a chance with Clarke and she was happy about it but she contained it so she only gave the blonde a nod and then they were interrupted by the flare that signaled that Bellamy had disabled the acid fog and they needed to concentrate on the war.

And now, after everything that went down at the Mountain, Lexa knew that she had lost any chance she could have had with Clarke for a relationship, for even a friendship, if the girl would ever even look at her face again with anything except hate in her eyes, and she couldn't blame the girl really. Being betrayed by someone you had possibly or could possibly come to care about was one of the worst kinds of betrayal, Lexa could understand that perfectly, but she had no choice, she had to take their offer and now she was left to deal with the consequences of that decision. But how she had hoped they could have had that something.

During her walk around the camp basically letting her feet take her where they wanted, Lexa stopped at the training pits. Her warriors were training, there was a lot of pent up tension because of the non-fight with the Mountain so they were letting it all out by fighting each other, which was good for moral, for bonding and Lexa stopped to watch as she did occasionally to find out who were the best fighters, still she drew the attention of the others warriors since her presence was always somewhat surprising to them, as if they never expected her to be around them which she blamed the past Commanders for.

Sensing movement coming from the side, Lexa turned her head to see who it was and was not surprised to see Indra moving towards her, so she just waited for the general to come and join her side as they continued to watch the fighting warriors. "**Heda. Was it wise to let Lincoln and Octavia back when they have shown that they are not loyal to you? If that is so, how can we trust them not to repeat that mistake?**" Indra asked her and Lexa gave her attention to the general. It was a very good question and one Lexa had thought about it already.

"**You're right, Indra. They have been showing signs that although they want to be part of Trikru, that they are not so keen in following me and have made their choices, disobeying me therefore committing treason. And while it is very risky to have them back with that lack of loyalty, I think that between you and I, we will be able to teach that to them and get them to learn. Besides I have warned them that were this to happen again and they die as did Gustus. I mean it. I just hope they don't make me prove it**," Lexa answered the older woman as best as she could without revealing too much, for whatever prying ears were around them.

"**You care about him, don't you Commander? Lincoln, I mean. For some reason, he is special to you. It's not the first time you have shown him such leniency that you would not have shown others. Is the past you have with him the biggest reason why you give him so many chances despite what he has done?**" Indra asked her softly and Lexa swallowed before nodding.

"**I owe him my life, Indra. And yes, I'm more lenient with him than I would be with any other warrior but it's because I know him. As twisted as this may sound, I know why he betrays me, and I can't be mad at him for it. I can't be mad at him for following his heart, can I? Besides, I have to pay him back somehow**," She explained, and Indra understood.

"**I can understand it, as I find myself caring for the girl as well**," The warrior said and Lexa turned to look at her.

"**Why, Indra? Why her? What do you see in Octavia? The last second you have that you have shown such care for was Anya and even then, she was your second for years, not days. What makes Octavia so special to you?**" Lexa asked truly curious, she could see that the girl had potential as a warrior, but something more had to have drawn the general in to have her care for the girl so much already.

"**I see a girl who struggled to find herself, a girl who is small and stubborn who doesn't know what giving up means, that keeps fighting even when all the odds are against her and doesn't even care about said odds. I see a girl that despite what people think of her, what they expect of her, she does so much more than that. I see a girl with so much strength inside of her that she has yet to discover**," Indra started explaining and Lexa could agree that the girl was much more than what their people judged of the Sky People but then so was Clarke. Maybe they should reevaluate what they think they know of the Skaikru.

"**Octavia is special because she is stronger than she thinks, and she desperately wants her first to help her find that strength. Her first was the first person to truly see her for who she is and not who everyone judged her to be or knew her to be. To me, she wasn't a girl who was hidden under the floor for 16 years. To her First, she was a warrior that needed to learn and do whatever she said, not caring of how the girl was seen or treated by the rest of the people. Sounds familiar?**" Indra said to her with a twinkle of amusement in her eyes and Lexa chuckled at the comparison Indra was making.

"**You think we are similar. You think Octavia and you are like Anya and me. That the same way you see her as being more than just a girl under the floor was the way Anya saw me as more than just a nightblood, a novitiate to be Commander. Is that it?**" Lexa asked and this time Indra chuckled a little, nodding.

"**Yes. Anya didn't want you as her second, remember? So, you attacked her, and she gave you a good beating, but you kept coming back the next day and the next day and the next, always saying you would make her take you as her second until when Bosco asked her if she would take you because he couldn't handle you anymore and she said yes**," Indra explained, and Lexa smiled at the memory.

"**Octavia did the same thing during my time in the Sky People's camp. She fought Fio and even when he was beating her up, she didn't quit. It reminded me to much of seeing you do the same to Anya. Why did you do it?**" Indra said asking her and Lexa shook her head.

"**Because I admired her, and I wanted her to be my First. Because I wanted her to see that I was just some scrawny kid who thought too highly of herself because of the color of her blood. I wanted her to think I was more than just a nightblood. I wanted her to show me that I could be more than that. And she did. I hope she knew that the Commander I am today, I owe it to her. She taught me more about how to be a good and effective leader than Bosco ever did**," Lexa said truthfully, and Indra nodded understanding her words.

"**She knew how much you cared for her and she cared for your as one would care for their little sister, I guarantee you that. Octavia is the same, I truly see no difference. She wants me to see her as more than what she was taught she was her entire life. You two are much alike**," Indra said to her as Lexa pondered over what the woman was saying to her.

"**There is one difference between the two of us. I never disobeyed an order Anya gave to me and I know you told her to retreat in the Mountain as I ordered our people to do. She didn't**," Lexa said to the older woman and Indra looked at her before speaking.

"**And how many times did you defy Bosco to stand up for what you believed was right?**" Indra asked her and Lexa looked away from her, "**He was always harder on you than the rest because he could see that you had an inspiring and strong spirit inside of you and he desperately wanted to crush it, but you never let him**," Indra answered for her.

"**But I was right to defy him. He was a vicious, cruel man and an even worst ruler for our people and I would most certainly hope that I'm not in a place where people would think I am anything like him that they would feel the need to defy me as I did with him**," Lexa said to the general and Indra shook her head.

"**Of course, you are nothing like him Lexa. You are a good leader, the best leader our people has seen in a really long time and perhaps they don't always agree with your choices, but they know you have their best interest at heart. These warriors follow you because they believe in you, not because they are scared that if they don't, you will kill their families**," Indra said to her before continuing with her speech,

"**But to Octavia who was raised by the Skaikru, who doesn't know you, hasn't seen you beyond the things you have done in this war and against the 100, you could be seen as Bosco was for our people, which is why she defies you as you defied him back then. She doesn't understand the things you have to do, why you do them and when she doesn't agree with it, she stands her ground. Maybe, you could try to change that view that she has of you. Maybe you two could even become friends,**" Indra suggested to her and Lexa thought about it.

"**Perhaps. I might go see for myself if she is worth all your compliments, after all they are hard to come by these days**." Lexa said and Indra nodded, "**Can I ask you a very personal question, Indra? You can always not answer it?**" Lexa said and Indra looked at her and nodded her consent. "**Do you see in Octavia the heir you wanted Gaia to be?**" Lexa asked gently and Indra tensed before looking ahead.

"**When Gaia chose to follow the Order, I was very much disappointed, yes. And not comparing the two of them would be impossible and a lie if I were to say I didn't or haven't done it. Gaia is my daughter and Octavia my second. However, I would have to say that it will be easier for me to make Octavia into a worthy heir of maybe one day taking my place than it will be for me to hope for Gaia to give up her faith to do that so, to answer your question, yes. I probably see in Octavia a part of who I wanted Gaia to be**," Indra said honestly, and Lexa nodded her head at the older woman.

"**She misses you. You know that, right? She is as hurt as you though for different reasons. She fears that by not choosing to be a warrior like you wanted her to, that she has lost you. That she has driven you too far away and that you might not even consider her your daughter anymore, that you may not love or care for her because of her choices,**" Lexa said to her, and Indra turned to her with a more vulnerable expression.

"**You have been talking to her?**" Indra asked her and Lexa nodded her head.

"**Sometimes is easier to talk to her than to it is talk to Titus, besides we grew up together, thanks to you and Anya. Her faith and my title won't erase that. She is the only friend I have in the Order**," Lexa explained, and Indra nodded.

"**She hasn't lost me, and I have certainly not stopped loving her or caring for her. She is my daughter, no matter what path she chooses for herself**," The older woman said.

"**Maybe those words should be said to her**," Lexa said gently, and Indra nodded before a young child came to join them, bowing to the Commander before speaking to Indra who nodded and sent the boy away. "**I suppose he came to say that they have arrived?**" Lexa asked her and Indra nodded. "**Then, let's get this over with. We have matters to discuss**," Lexa said firmly as she turned around and walked away as well as Indra who followed her Commander. As always.


	13. New family

New Family

Lexa and Indra walked through the camp watching their people help each other, especially the ones who had been inside the Mountain, which made Lexa very happy to see the commodore and solidarity they were showing, some time ago before she had been able to form her Coalition and make it work, she would have never imagined it possible for the clans to be working together, to see a Trikru warrior help a Shallow Valley member to walk because of an injury to the leg, or Plain Rider horseman teach the Lake people how to tame a horse. It was a beautiful sight to see that reminded her of why she continued to fight for it, for that, for them.

Her mind had been filled with those thoughts until the moment that they found Octavia and Lincoln waiting for them in front of Lexa's tent as they waited for their punishment, without knowing even what had the young leader come up with for them, already expecting it not to be an easy one, after all, they disrespected her and committed treason. The two women came up to them who bowed their heads, Octavia more reluctantly to do so than Lincoln but Lexa decided to ignore that reluctance from the girl after all she knew Octavia wasn't loyal to her.

Yes, she had chosen the Trikru over Skaikru but that didn't mean the girl wasn't angry at Lexa for what she did at TonDC or at the Mountain. Octavia chose to come back for Lincoln, for Indra, for the promise of a new life she could have away from the judgment of people who didn't know her or didn't care about her to the people that could see the girl beyond what skills with a sword she possessed, not because she was the leader's biggest fan. In fact, at this point Lexa questioning that if she ever found herself in a moment of need, if Octavia would help her or simply walk away.

Not that she blames the girl for that reaction. Talking to Indra just a few moments ago, helped her understand the young girl a little bit better than she did before as well as it helped remind her of times where she defied her own Commander for what she believed to be the right thing to be done as well, so who was she to judge Octavia in that regard if that was how she felt about Lexa and her choices? However, the girl would need to trade carefully, Lexa might be okay with her resistance in following her but there are other people, those who are completely loyal to her, who will not like it at all. Octavia should be careful with her words and her actions.

"**Commander**," They both said in greeting and she gave a small nod in recognition of their return and of their greeting.

"Are you prepared for what will happen to you now? As I said, by coming back here, by choosing Trikru over Skaikru, you have decided to face the punishment I selected for you. Are you sure this is what you want?" Lexa asked seriously and the couple looked at each other and nodded, they had already discussed it in the way here.

"We are ready for anything you have seen fit to punish us with, Heda," Lincoln said in his calm voice as usual and Lexa took a good look at them before shaking her head.

"Well, you may be ready Lincoln, but Octavia is not." Lexa said before looking at the girl, "I gave you a choice but you haven't thought this choice through," Lexa said to the girl.

"What do you mean by that?" Octavia asked frowning, looking between the three grounders in front of her as if they were hiding something from her.

"By choosing to join Trikru, any loyalty that is not for Trikru must be left in the past," Lexa said to the girl and Octavia nodded her head.

"You said that before, Commander and I already accepted it." Octavia said and Lexa looked at her, knowing the girl hasn't still made the connection of what she was implying so she would have to be more direct on her approach.

"What about your brother? Bellamy?" Lexa said to her and Octavia frowned at the mention of her older brother.

"What about him?" She asked, not knowing what the Commander could possibly want with him and starting to fear for his life.

"If we were to find ourselves in a war with the Sky People tomorrow and were you to face your brother in battle, or If I simply ordered you to kill him for reasons I will not share with you. Will you fight and kill him for Trikru? Will you kill him to obey your Commander?" Lexa said and Octavia's eyes were wide open. "That is the choice I am asking you to make, Octavia. It's not between Trikru or Skaikru. It's between me and your brother. If you chose him, you will return to the Sky People but if you chose to stay, to obey me, then you are choosing it without return. For were you to betray me for him, I will have you both killed," Lexa said to the girl.

"So, in respect for Lincoln's love for you and Indra's respect of your abilities, I will give you one last chance to think this choice through before you give me your answer. You have until the afternoon to give me your answer and your fate will be decided then. I advise you to think about it very well," Lexa said before turning to Indra. "**I will be in my tent, when they have reached a decision, come and get me**," She said and the general nodded before she turned from them and entered her tent.

"Is she serious? Does she really expect me to kill my own brother for her simply because she may ask me to?" Octavia asked the other two and they nodded their heads.

"Lincoln became a traitor when he chose you over his people. If you were to become Trikru and choose your brother over us, you would be one too and she will kill you both. You and Bellamy," Indra said before turning to Lincoln. "**You should have warned about it instead of simply letting her choose blindly,**" She said to him and he shook his head.

"**I thought she knew what choosing Trikru could mean for her relationship with Bellamy, I realize my mistake now**,"He said to the older woman and Indra nodded before leaving them to talk this amongst each other before going to do her chores.

Meanwhile, inside her tent, after the small talk with Indra and the couple, Lexa had spent the morning sending messages to clan leaders to send a representative to escort their people rescued from the Mountain back to their clans. 11 messages and 11 messengers were sent, she was tired, and she knew that her work has barely begun. She knew she had many battles to fight for her people yet, be it with swords or be it with words. She was ready, she had to be. She had a vision for her people, for their future and she would not stop moving towards that vision until her last breath.

It was late in the afternoon and Lexa was just reading the latest report when Indra entered her tent. Lexa stopped what she was doing and looked at the woman. "**They have made their choice, Heda. They are ready for you**," Indra said to her, and Lexa sighed rolling the scroll and closing it again before putting it down and standing up, putting back her shoulder pad and moving towards Indra.

"**Let's go** **see what they have decided. Shall we?**" She said and the woman nodded following her out of her tent and the couple was waiting for her a few steps ahead.

She came to them. "So, what is your choice?" Lexa asked and they looked at each other and held hands before they faced her again.

"We will join Trikru," Octavia said firmly, and Lexa was surprised. She had certainly not expected it but let none of it show on her face.

"You're sure?" She asked and they nodded, "Very well. Follow me," She said to them and moved past the couple, hearing their steps behind her. She came to the middle of the camp. She stopped and turned to face the people who had been gathered by Indra as the general led the couple forward to stand in the middle along with her.

"**Warriors of the Coalition, we gather here to witness the delivery of the punishment of these two warriors. Lincoln of the Woods Clan and Octavia of the Sky People. They disobeyed a direct order from me, your Commander. Usually, we would be here to kill them for the crime of high treason as our tradition states. However, we will not be killing them today**," She said loud and clear in their language as she looked at her people as the complaints were heard but one raise of her hands and everyone silenced to listen to her.

"**Many of you have heard that the Mountain has fallen by the Sky People's hand and it is true. Their technology and leader exterminated the Mountain. They are no more. No survivors are left to hunt us anymore**,"Lexa said, and the people were shocked before they started to cheer, the fear of the Mountain was gone, finally. "**Lincoln and Octavia helped the Sky People achieve that when we could not. So, given their contribution to the fall of the Mountain, they will be only punished before being reintegrated to the Woods Clan,"** She explained and was relieved to see that the idea was being well received and that using their participation in the Mountain went well with the people, which was exactly what she was hoping for. Good, one less problem for her to deal with.

"Lincoln kom Trikru, given that this is not the first time that you have disobeyed me, you will receive 30 lashes administered by the Chief of your Clan, Indra kom Trikru. Only then can you be welcomed back and for the last time, to be clear," Lexa said firmly as she looked at him and they had a silent conversation without any words being needed, just their eyes. He nodded accepting his punishment since he knew that she was being merciful with it because of their history and other times he had served her well.

Given the fact that the appropriate punishment for his crimes was way worse than that, he was thankful for her. Traitors don't get second chances, much less third chances. He knew he got lucky only because of his relation to the Commander or else, he would have been killed immediately. Octavia, on the other hand wanted to protest the number, but he quickly calmed her before she said anything. If she did, Heda would be forced to harden the punishment and might have rejected her. She nodded as well.

"**Good. Then, we can begin. Indra, is everything ready?**" Lexa asked and the general nodded.

"**Yes, Commander. The tree is ready and so is the whip**," The woman answered firmly, and Lexa nodded before she ordered.

"**Take him to the tree**," She spoke and two guards grabbed his arms and pulled him to the tree. The general nodded as Lexa made her way to the center to watch the punishment being carried. Nyko helped his friend take off his upper armor and tied him to the post as Indra readied the whip and looked to Lexa for the order and it came in the form of a nod. Indra raised the whip and started it.

One by one, he barely flinched after all, he was raised as Trikru so he was used to pain and this was nothing compared to other things he had to endure during his life as a second and as a warrior. He could handle this. He even thought that the number of lasses for him would be higher than just 30 but it was Lexa's choice and he accepted it. He was more worried for Octavia since she has never gone through his before, but he had faith in her and believed she would be strong enough to pull through it as well.

It pained Lexa to be doing this to one of the few people that she ever considered her friend, that despite everything she knew she could still consider him as such, but he needed to learn that as much as he disagreed with her decisions as her friend, that she was still his Commander and that there were consequences to his actions. That no matter her wishes to spare him, he has to and will be punished accordingly to his crime. She hoped that this was the last time he did something like this. That he would put her in the position where she would have to hurt someone she cared about yet again.

Soon, Indra was finished with him and Nyko came forth to help his brother and friend off the post and to the side as Lexa motioned for Octavia to step forward and the girl did so, repeating her boyfriend's actions of removing her armor leaving her chest bare. The Trikru barely gave it a second thought, being used to nudity. The girl moved to the tree as Lexa did the same coming to stand in front of her. She looked at the girl and could see the determination in her eyes to do this. Maybe Indra was right, and they were more alike than she had previously thought. However now, she was back to business.

"Octavia, when you came through this punishment, no longer will anyone in the Coalition consider you Skaikru anymore. You will be known to everyone as Octavia Kom Trikru, you will abide by Trikru's laws and swear fealty to your Commander. For your punishment, you will receive 15 lashes to be delivered by the Chief of your Clan and your First, Indra kom Trikru. You may start," Lexa said and the girl was tied up to the post and Indra carried out the punishment with Octavia resisting the pain.

Once it was done, Octavia was helped by Nyko and Lincoln as she turned to now her head to Lexa as she kneeled before the woman and recited the words Lincoln had taught her earlier. "**I, Octavia of the Woods Clan, swear fealty to you, Lexa of the Woods Clan as my Commander until my last dying breath**," She said as Lincoln had instructed her, and Lexa nodded.

"**Welcome home, Octavia of the Tree People**," Lexa said, and the others cheered as well. Octavia nodded standing up as she really did feel like she was at home with them, in a way that she never felt with the Sky People. Finally, she had found her place in the world as well as someone who truly loved her for who she was, someone who really saw her. Everyone was dismissed as the couple was taken to Nyko's hut to apply some medicine on the wounds.

As for the Commander, after the whole thing was done, Lexa went back to her tent. She was really tired and not only physically, but also emotionally given all that happened since yesterday and given everything that was still to come in these next couple of days. She was about to enter her private chambers to get some rest, finally, when a voice stopped her in her tracks. "**Alexandria**," She felt her blood freeze and she held her breath as she recognized that voice immediately as she slowly turned around and was faced with the intruder.

"**Mother?**"


	14. Of fights and plans

Of Fights and Plans

"**Why are you so surprised, dear? Can't a mother pay a visit to her own daughter?**" The woman said the word daughter so sarcastically that it woke Lexa from her frozen state. She quickly schooled her face to show no emotion and hardened her features as she looked at the woman standing in front of her. This was most certainly not a friendly visit. It never was. Nor was the woman in anyway, a welcomed visitor. This would most certainly end badly, Lexa knew it. It always did whenever Tessa was involved.

"**What are you doing here, Tessa?**" Lexa asked her with a cold and annoyed tone as she crossed her arms behind her back, straightening her posture to make herself seem bigger which only made the woman smile viciously at her. She was a snake and she always seemed to think that Lexa was the perfect prey but of course, she wasn't.

"**So now I'm Tessa? Is that right Alexandria? You should show some respect for your mother or do those flamekeepers teach you nothing in the capitol?**" Tessa said ironically to her and Lexa clenched her jaw.

"**You haven't been my mother in a very, very long time, Tessa. Besides, I don't see why you should be called my mother when you never were one to me, anyway. You don't love me. You don't even like me, remember?**" Lexa said coldly and Tessa wouldn't miss her chance.

"**We both know why that is, don't we Alexandria?**" She said to her and Lexa swallowed as she knew what she was referring to. It was always what Tessa talked about in these visits.

"**Why don't you go straight to the point? What are you doing here? Don't make me ask again. I have no patient to be repeating myself, especially if it is for you,**" Lexa said firmly.

"**Why are you in such a hurry? We have time talk, little girl**," Tessa said to her and Lexa clenched her jaw but stayed the same.

"**First of all, show some respect to your Commander. Second of all, you and I have nothing to talk about and I don't want to spend another second in your presence so if you could just say what you came here to say. We can both get rid of each other, something you always dreamed of, didn't you? Getting rid of me? Just say what you want to say and let's get this over with, shall we?**" Lexa said to her and Tessa had a cold gaze in her eyes directed at her.

"**Well, I couldn't agree more. I came here in name of the delegation of Trishanakru to escort our people that were rescued from the Mountain back to our clan but as soon as I got here, I heard about what really happened in that place, so I came here to your tent to ask you one question, just one simple and harmless question. Are you not ashamed of yourself for being such a treacherous coward?**" Tessa said with her words full of venom and Lexa hardened her jaw, it was taking too long for it to come, now here it was.

"**I'm not a coward. I did what was best for my people. You know nothing of what you are talking about. I suggest you think carefully of your words**," Lexa said to her coldly.

"**Yes, you are a coward. You have always been a coward. Only I see things have not changed. And just like you did all those years ago, this time someone else also had to pay the price for your mistakes the same way he did**," Tessa said taunting her and she knew it but what she was talking about was an open wound that never closed in her heart.

"**Don't bring him into this. What happened to Kristian was an accident. It was not my fault. Stop blaming me for that, Tessa. In fact, stop talking about it** **altogether**," Lexa said, trying to defend herself, even though she didn't know why she still bothered.

"**Yes, it was your fault. At least have some dignity and own up to what you did! You killed him! If it wasn't for you, he would still be alive!**" Tessa screamed at her and Lexa closed her eyes as she felt tears forming.

"**Shut up**," She said as the woman kept screaming at her.

"**He loved you. He loved you more than anyone else and you got him killed because you were a reckless little girl who didn't care about anyone else but herself and her own needs. He would still be alive if you had stayed in the village like you were told to. He would still be alive if you had never been born. If he is dead, it's because you killed him!**" Tessa kept yelling at her and she closed her eyes trying to calm herself but to no avail. The woman's words and loud voice was getting to her, she couldn't take it anymore so without even thinking, Lexa just exploded.

"**SHUT UP!**" Lexa screamed. "**Shut up!**" Lexa said forcefully and the woman silenced herself. "**You have no right to came into my camp, into my tent and say those things to me. I'm not that little girl who was once scared of you, Tessa. So, stop trying to intimidate me, you're going to fail. Besides, nothing you say or do to me could bring him back. What happened to him was an accident and you should just accept that**," Lexa said to her and Tessa looked at her before she said.

"**Do you accept that you killed your own brother? That you are the reason Kristian is dead?**" She said with venom dripping from her every words and Lexa lost it.

"**Get. Out**." When Tessa made no move to leave, she yelled as she almost moved against the woman to grab her throat and see the air leave her lungs without getting it back, but she didn't. "**GET OUT OF MY TENT! NOW!**" Lexa yelled and both Ryder and Indra came inside with their weapons drown but as Indra saw who it was, she motioned for Ryder to let her handle. He nodded, not sure of what to do.

"**Commander**." Indra said and Lexa just pushed past the general and left, Ryder tried to follow her, but Lexa dismissed him. She had to be alone right now, she needed to go away so she took off running into the forest.

"**You shouldn't have come here, Tessa**," Indra said dangerously to the other woman.

"**I'm not scared of you, Indra. You are just one of her many pets. Don't elude yourself thinking that she cares about you, about your life because she doesn't. That monster only brings death to those that care for her. Want my advice? Get away from her before you're next**," The woman said and left the tent and Indra could only look at her retreating back and worry for her Commander, knowing that it was best to leave her alone for now. Indra exited the tent and went to back to her own duties, hoping that Lexa will be okay.

At the same time in Arkadia, a group was gathered together, and they were talking about the Mountain. Jasper was sitting in a corner, not participating in the conversation the group was having because, how could he? Maya was gone. Dead. And his supposed best friends were the ones who killed her. He couldn't accept it. He could have saved them, he could have saved everyone if they had just given him some more time to kill Cage but no. They didn't give him more time instead they destroyed an entire civilization. How can they live with themselves?

He was lost in his thoughts when he heard Monroe talk about the Mountain and his ears peeked up on that and he started to pay attention to what she was saying about it. "It was shitty, it really was," She said, and he scoffed in his mind, 'you think?' but he kept quiet. "If only the Commander had stayed, maybe things would have been different," She said and on that he was curious. What did the Grounder leader had to do with what happened?

"What does the Commander have to do with this?" Miller asked the girl and Jasper was grateful that he wouldn't have to voice that question himself.

"Well, we were in an alliance with the Grounders but their leader, the Commander made a deal with the Mountain Men that they would let all of her people go if she turned around and left us behind, so she took the deal and left," She explained, and Jasper's blood was boiling.

So, she betrayed them? That was why things turned out the way they did, why Maya died. If the Commander had stayed, maybe she would still be alive. He pushed from where he was and walked up to the group and stood close to them as they turned to look at him. "What does the Commander look like?" He asked Monroe and she shrugged.

"I don't know. Tall, brunette, green eyes, around our age, she uses this thing in her forehead which is like a wheel as well as this big thing on her shoulder with a red sash attached to it. Mean war paint. Why you ask?" She asked him and he shook her head.

"Nothing. Thanks," He said to her and turned around as he left them, in the direction of his room inside the station. Once he was inside, he looked under his pillow and grabbed a gun he hid under it and looked at the clip, it was full. He locked the gun and put it on his belt before leaving his room. He didn't know how to find the Commander, but Monroe had been talking briefly about the location of the grounder camp. It had been near the Mountain, so he decided to take a chance, the only problem was getting out of the camp unnoticed, but he had an idea on how to solve that problem.

His idea was to talk to Wick to lower the electricity on the fence so he could escape. It took some convincing and a begging to be out of the camp for a while, just to breathe, using his grieve to guilt trip the guy to believe him but Wick agreed to help him knowing he was grieving for his girlfriend. Jasper thanked him and along with his help, was able to get out of camp and in the direction of the Mountain. He would make the Commander pay for betraying them and for causing Maya's death. If he got killed or not, he didn't care about it anymore but she would die, that he knew for sure.

Meanwhile in another part of Camp Jaha, after Clarke put the book Lexa gave to her safely in her room, she went back to MedBay to continuing helping Jackson with all the other patients before they were both finished and decided to get a break from the work, which prompted her to take a moment to go to where her mother's bed was placed. The older woman smiled when she saw her coming and Clarke managed a small smile back before pulling out a chair to seat besides the bed as she took her mother's hand in hers and held it tightly.

"Hey Mom, how are you feeling?" Clarke asked her and Abby smiled at her.

"It hurts a little but I'm much better now, thank you sweetie. Jackson already gave me something for the pain so don't worry about me. I'll be good as new very soon. What about you? How are you feeling sweetheart?" Abby asked her and Clarke sighed before lowering her eyes to their joined hands and caressing her mom's hands with her own trying to ground herself to this moment and not the one who keeps replaying inside her head.

"I'm not sure how I'm feeling about anything by this point, Mom," Clarke said truthfully as emotions started to flood in. "A part of me knows that I did what I had to do to save our people, that I had no choice but there's another part of me that can't accept that I had to kill them all to do it. But how was I supposed to stop Cage? He was going to kill you because I killed his father. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't lose you too," Clarke said as tears started falling down on her face.

"Oh sweetie." Abby squeezed her hand, "Come here," Abby, despite the pain, scooted over to make space for her daughter.

Clarke lifted her head and wasted no time before going into her mother's arms and silently cried as Abby caressed her hair in a soothing way that she hadn't done in quite some time, since Clarke got too big to need it. "I know you are hurting and that's understandable. What you had to do… it shouldn't have had to be your decision but unfortunately it was and it's going to hurt for a while, hurt a lot but you are the strongest person I know. You will get through this," Abby said to her.

"It doesn't feel like it. It feels like it is going to crush me under the weight of all those deaths," Clarke said to her and Abby sighed.

"That's because you have such a huge heart and you always want to help everyone and take care of everyone, always at a price for yourself but there are some things you can't fix and that's okay. I would love to be able to save all the patients that come to me for help but sometimes I have to admit to them and myself that I can't and that it is not my fault. It's just the way it is," Abby explained to her daughter as she continued,

"I know you wanted to be able to save the innocents that were inside Mount Weather, but you couldn't. Not in the situation you were in. You did the best you could, Clarke. That's what you need to focus on." Abby said as she planted a kiss on her daughter's head.

"Dad would be ashamed of me," Clarke said as she finally broke into sobs. Abby's heart broke seeing the pain her baby girl was going through.

"Of course not, honey. Of course not," Abby tried to console her. "Your dad would be proud of the woman you've become," Abby said and Clarke looked up.

"I've killed people." Clarke said and Abby nodded wiping her tears.

"Yes, you had but you did it to save everyone. And you know what? We are not saints, honey, we make mistakes, we try to fix them, sometimes we can, other times we cannot. And sometimes we make bad choices but that doesn't necessarily mean we are bad people. It just means we're trying to survive. Your father would understand that you killed those people not because you wanted them dead but because you were a good leader and tried to keep your people safe from harm," Abby explained, and Clarke could only let the tears fall down.

"Do you really think Dad wouldn't be disappointed in me?" Clarke asked a little unsure to believe it but also a little hopeful.

"Of course, he wouldn't. Neither am I. I'm very proud you are my daughter and I love you so much, no matter what and your Dad loved you just as much," Abby said and planted a kiss on her forehead. "I know that I fought you for the leadership role, but it was only because I wanted to protect you from exactly these things. You're so young, you shouldn't be put in a position so difficult like this, but I realized that I put you in that position the moment I send you and the 100 down here. I knew deep down that you would take care of them. I just didn't expect Earth to be so…" Abby trailed off.

"So ruthless?" Clarke asked trying to finish her sentence and the woman nodded.

"Yes. I thought there only thing we would have to worry was if Earth was survivable or not. If we would be able to adapt down here after so many years up in space. I never thought there were people down here and that we would have to fight so much just to keep ourselves alive." Abby explained what her expectations had been for this place.

"Earth is really different from what we thought it would be but there is also beauty to it. We just didn't have the time to explore and see it. All we have seen is death and destruction that we are losing hope to see everything else. I'm losing hope," Clarke said to her.

"You can't lose hope Clarke. You are the strongest person I know. You inspire me to keep fighting honey," Abby said as they stayed quiet before Clarke looked up at her mother and decided to be honest.

"I was so mad at you because of what happened to Dad. I didn't want to believe that you had anything to do with it so I blamed Wells and he let me but then I found out the truth and took my wristband off so you could feel the pain I felt and that you would think I was dead. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me," Clarke confessed, and Abby felt her own tears start to form.

"But then when I saw your ship fall and crash, I…I thought you were dead, and I had lost you forever and I had hurt you in on purpose and I'm so sorry for it." Clarke barely got it out given the sobs that wanted to make their way out of her lips, but she settled into crying on her mother's neck as Abby held her tighter trying to console her as best as she could.

"I'm not dead, honey. I'm right here with you. It's okay, it will be okay," Abby said squeezing her. "I'm so sorry about your father. I never wanted for him to get hurt. I just thought Jaha would convince him to stop. I loved your father so much, the last thing I wanted was to lose him or be the reason why you lost him. I trusted Thelonious to act as his best friend, not as the Chancellor. I shouldn't have," Abby also found it hard to speak.

"I know and I'm sorry too. For everything," Clarke said and hugged her mother tighter. They stayed like that until the pain was too much and Abby had to rest. Clarke gave her mother a kiss on the forehead before she left. She went to see Raven, but she was still sedated so Clarke decided to come back to check on the mechanic some other time. Clarke walked out and took a good look at the people sitting around, catching up with their loved ones and friends they thought they had lost before Bellamy came to her side.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked concerned about her puffy red eyes.

"I think so. I was just talking to my mom about some things that we needed to talk about. I'm feeling a little bit better," She said turning to look at him. "What about you? Everything okay with security?" She asked and he sighed.

"I explained to them the truce and they weren't exactly happy about it and to be honest I'm not either. We can't trust the grounders, Clarke," Bellamy said worriedly.

"I know you are not happy Bellamy, but we need this truce. We can't be constantly fighting a war. The people can't take it and I can't either. I need a break from keeping everyone alive," She admitted to him and he nodded understanding where she was coming from.

"Well, apart from that everything is okay. At least for now. Tomorrow is a brand-new day. Anything can happen," He said to her as she nodded and they looked ahead, both lost in thought before they heard a yell.

"Guys!" Clarke jumped in fright as well as Bellamy did as they turned to see Monty running towards them.

"Monty, what happened?" Bellamy asked the panting boy.

"It's Jasper." He said still trying to breathe properly.

"What's wrong with Jasper?" Clarke asked worriedly.

"He left camp and took a gun with him. I think he is planning to kill the Commander," He said to them and Clarke could feel her entire body freeze.

"No." She whispered to herself. Not Lexa. God, no.


	15. Memory Memory

Memory, Memory

_Alexandria was 3 years old and she was walking and running through the forest that was around her village in the Woods Clan's territory. The village was near TonDC but not quite as big, it was also not small, just the perfect size for the residents. Her father was the chief of the village so because of that they had the best house, but it also meant he didn't have much time to spend with her since he had to work a lot, given how bad the Commander treated the people. It was her father that would find a way to feed everyone of their village and to protect everyone and she admired him a lot for that._

_Her mother, on the other hand, had just left to visit a friend who had just given birth in a village nearby and wouldn't be back till the next day so Alexandria could finally relax and play as much as she liked it without her mother telling her what to do all the time or yelling at her for no reason at all. The woman scared her a lot and she didn't like to be around her so every time she went out, Alexandria was happier than she was when her mother was around. She wished that her mother would just leave. She was not a good person, the little girl knew that already._

_Just thinking about the woman made her shiver. She wished her father would take them away from her. They could be happy together, just the three of them. She loved her father so much, he was always good to her and would make her laugh, he was the best dad in the world but whenever they were together, her mother would always interrupt to take him away, sending her to her room every time. The thought of her mother got her to trip down but before she fell to the ground, she was picked up. She looked up at who had saved her and smiled. "__**Kristian**__," She said, and he smiled right back at her._

"_**You have to be careful, Lexie. If you don't pay attention where you are stepping, you could get really hurt"**__ Her older brother, Kristian said before he smiled and started to carry her. _

"_**You never let me get hut, right Kris?**__" She asked him as she wrapped her arms around his neck, and he nodded smiling. _

"_**That's right. You will always be safe with me. But you could help me do that, you know? Keep you safe? Besides, you said you wanted to be a warrior like me and Dad, didn't you?" **__He asked her and she nodded eagerly. _

"_**I will be the best warrior our clan sees it**__," She said confidently, and he laughed._

"_**I'm sure you will, little monkey but for that to be true, first you need to learn to walk through the woods in silence. A Trikru Gona must run true. The forest is our home, Lexie. Our kingdom. No other warrior can walk these woods like a Trikru can. We must know it by heart and become one with the forest. We can't be clumsy like you were back then,**__" He said to her as he poked her side making her giggle as she squirmed in his arms trying to get away from the tickling he was doing to her, he stopped before she could do something and get hurt._

"_**I wike lunning**__," She said to him and he nodded. _

"_**I know, which is why you have to learn how to run without making a sound. Don't worry, I will teach you and you will be the best runner our village has,"**__ He said as he put her down and explained to her how to step without making a sound. She had trouble at the early tries, but she was a quick learner. She picked up on what he said, and she was making less sound by each step. "__**Good, Lexie. You're the best. The Mountain Men should watch out for you**__," He said cheering on her._

_She smiled and ran to him making almost no sound at all before she jumped, and he caught her as he swirled her around and they laughed for a good while. "__**Let's go get some water. Dad said when we exercise, we must drink a lot of water to keep us healthy**__," He said to her who nodded as they walked towards a little river to drink some water but as soon as she was finished, Lexie started to splash him. He looked at her. "__**You are so done, Lexie,**__" He said to her and they started playing around, Kristian always making sure that it was safe for her._

_He loved his little sister so much, she was the most important person in the world for him. He had always wanted to be a big brother, he was so happy when his Dad came home from a trip and had this small baby in his arms telling Kristian that she was his new sister. He was 9 years old and was so happy. He didn't understand why his mother was so angry, the baby was so cute. He remembered that his Dad had given him the baby to hold while he pulled his mom away to their room to talk. Their voices were loud, and the baby was getting fussy because of it so Kristian didn't think twice before he left their house with her in his arms and stayed outside._

_She was so beautiful and so small. When she opened her eyes and looked at him, he was done for. He loved her so much already, it was like he could feel that she was meant to be his sister. She looked as if she was analyzing him, judging to see if he was worthy of being her brother or at least that's what it felt like for him, so he held his breath waiting for her to pass her judgment because he already considered her his sister. He waited and waited before she made her choice and gave him a big smile. His smile was even bigger after that. _

_He played with her for a while and from that moment on, he promised himself that he would be the best big brother in the world and that he would protect her from anything or anyone that would try to hurt her, and he did. For some reason, his mom never quite took to the baby the way he and his father did. His Dad told him that her name was Alexandria a beautiful name he had thought. He called her Lexie. His mother would avoid holding her and every time she tried Lexie would start crying and she would put her away so he would take care of her._

_He was the one who would change her diapers, give her a bath, change her clothes, and give her food. He would do everything for her. That was the way it had been from day one. He wasn't a fool. He knew that Lexie was not his mother's daughter and he imagined that was why she didn't like her so one day he asked his father if Lexie was his daughter with another woman. It wasn't quite normal in their culture to have another kid out of your bond and his father simply shook his head at his question. He told him he never bedded another woman that was not his mother, but that Lexie was family and Kristian felt she was, so he never asked his father anything about her other family._

_To him, since the moment she was put in his arms, she was his sister through and through. No blood could ever change that. It was to come to his arms that she took her first steps, it was for him she called in her first words, it was his smile that she sought after when she would stumble to the ground. It was his approval that she wanted when she accomplished something. It was him who made her feel the safest during a storm. He was the one she went to for anything she needed. He was her person and she was everything to him._

_Then, after playing for a while, they got tired, so he picked her up from the water and walked up to their secret place. It was a cliff they found when walking around in the forest a few months ago. Kristian sat on a rock and pulled her to sit on his lap with his arms locked around her so she wouldn't accidentally fall as they looked out at the beautiful horizon that was painting the sky right in front of them. Whenever they could, they would always come here. "__**I'm going to become a second to Gustus,**__**Lexie**__," He said to her and she turned to look at him. _

"_**Leally? He so big and scawy**__," She said to him and he laughed._

"_**Yes, he is but he was looking for a second and Father told him that I wanted to become a warrior, so he asked me if I wanted to and I said yes. I start training tomorrow. And then I will become an amazing warrior and one day, I will move to Polis to become one of the Commander's guards**__," He said dreaming about his future. _

"_**You leave Lexie**__?" She asked him with her voice trembling, she couldn't imagine not having her brother around. He squeezed her closer to him, kissing her cheek and smiling at her. _

"_**Of course not. I will take you with me and we are going to discover Polis together, just you and I. And when you are taken to train with the other nightbloods, I will be right there with you to help you become the amazing warrior I know you can be. Won't it be amazing? The two of us living in the capitol. With a house for ourselves in the big city. Playing around with the merchants, going to school, learning everything we can**__," He said to her and she smiled at him._

"_**You best big brother ever, Kris. I love you**__," Lexa said to him and kissed his cheek, she really was very lucky to have him. He smiled at her, she was so cute. _

"_**You're the best little sister too Lexa. I love you very much**__," He said to her and kissed her cheek and tickled her as she laughed before he stopped, and she looked up to him with those big green eyes and he smiled. _

"_**Kris, you never leave me, right**__?" She asked and he looked at her._

"_**Nothing will ever keep us apart. We will always be siblings. You and me together forever. I promise,**__" He said seriously and kissed the top of her head. "__**You and me together forever,**__" She repeated nesting herself in his arms before they returned their attention to the view in front of them, happy to just be together like that. _

"_**Mom back tomorrow. Why she hate me Kris? What I do?**__" She asked him and he took a deep breath before speaking carefully, not to hurt her or tell her what he knew. She was still too young._

"_**You have done nothing wrong, baby girl. Mom is just complicated. She is not a very happy woman**__," He said to her and it was true. His mother was not an easy person but he did love her._

"_**She is with you. Even Dad and I in the room, she only smiley for you**__," She said to him and he silently reminded himself of how smart and observant she was for a 3-year-old child. _

"_**That is because she knows I will be leaving to train, so she wants to treat me the best, it has nothing to do with you, okay?**__" He said trying to convince her and she nodded at him._

"_**Have you ever met Uncle Michael?**__" She asked him and he looked at her in curiosity. _

"_**How do you know about Uncle Michael?**__" He asked her surprised, it wasn't like their dad talked about his brother in any way and she shrugged. _

"_**I hear Dad talk to Grandma, but I not ask him**__," She said and he nodded. _

"_**You did good not asking him. Uncle Michael is a sore topic for Dad. He was, is, Dad's younger brother. I believe he is 20 years old. He is part of our clan, but he travels around the clans a lot. He and Dad had a huge fight when I was about 7 years old and they haven't spoken to each other ever since**__," He explained to her and she nodded. _

"_**I hope they be better soon, like me and you**__," She said, and Kristian nodded._

"_**Yeah but I would be so sure. Dad tried to contact him a few years ago but Uncle Michael told him never to speak to him again and now Dad doesn't even know where Michael is or how to find him and he isn't sure he even wants to. Maybe things are better the way they are**__." Kristian said and Lexa shook her head. _

"_**I don't know. I don't wike not speaking to you again**__," She said to him and he chuckled. _

"_**That is not going to happen to us, Lexie. We will never be away from each other like that,**__" He said to her, he really meant it, and she nodded._

"_**Dad really sad talking bout him. He misses his brother. Do you think Uncle Michael miss Dad too?**__" She asked and Kristian shrugged. _

"_**I don't know. Uncle Michael, from what I hear from Dad and Grandma, was a wild spirit. He is young and I think he was not ready to settle down to the responsibilities that Dad wanted him to take on which I can understand. He was only 16 at the time and I guess he wanted to explore the world we live in before doing that and Dad was angry that Uncle Michael was leaving everything for him to take care of even if he was just 16. I mean Dad was only 5 years older than him anyway. It was not like he was that much older**__," Kristian explained as best as he could, and Lexa nodded._

"_**Well, now enough about Dad and Uncle Michael. We need to get back home. Dad will be finishing his meeting soon and since Mom is gone for another day, dinner is on us so my tiny but hard working, helper, should we go and get started on some stew?**__" He asked her and Lexa nodded. _

"_**Yes!**__" She said throwing her arms in the air and he chuckled. _

"_**Okay, let's go**__," He said to her and she looked at him. _

"_**Kris. Tower**__. __**Pwease,**__" She said, practically begging him and he smiled at her before nodding. _

"_**Okay, Tower it is**__," He said, never being able to deny her anything she asked of him and pulled her up and sat her down on his shoulder as she held onto him._

"_**Ready now?**__" He said holding her legs and she laughed. _

"_**Yes, let's go,**__" She said, and he smiled, starting on their way back home, passing by the villagers who smiled at them. When they got home, they started cooking just before their father came home and went to help them. They kept joking around and laughing, having an amazing time together. Lexa hoped it would always be like this, but she knew in two days, this happiness would be gone with her presence so she enjoyed her family as much as she could._


	16. Kill or Save

Kill or Save?

After she had dismissed Ryder before he tried to follow her, she took off in a run. It's been such a long time since she was able to just run through the forest, feel the ground beneath her feet, the wind blowing on her face, the sound of the leaves as she passed it through. She used to love doing it, before and during the time when she was Anya's second and had a little more freedom to do as she pleased when the warrior would give her a break from all the training she would put Lexa through. She needed so badly now that she couldn't care about anything else except getting as far away from that woman as humanly possible.

They didn't meet. Ever. Anya and Gustus would always make sure to stop the woman from getting close to her and when they couldn't, they were always there for her after the encounter because they both knew exactly what Tessa's intentions were when she said she wanted to see Lexa and what she would do and say if she got the chance. The same thing that happened a few moments ago. She would attack Lexa where she knew it would do the most damage. Not even Nia could get to Lexa the way Tessa did. But they weren't here anymore. There was no one to stop the accusations and guilty trips.

And in this moment, she missed them more than she dared to admit. They had been her family for longer than her real family and she had lost them both just like that, within two days, she found herself without two of the few people she could say she ever truly cared about and that in return cared about her, Lexa, not just the Commander. She missed Anya and Gustus, and she knew there was nothing she could do to bring them back and it killed her that they had been taken from her as well, both because of stupidity of others and of themselves.

Lexa wasn't lying when she said the woman had stopped being her mother a long time ago. She was actually downplaying the situation. Tessa was never a mother to her, she wasn't always as cruel as she is now, but she never loved or cared for Lexa at all, even when she was only a child. Tessa never even liked her. Tessa was always jealous because of how Lexa's father and brother always preferred to stay with Lexa instead of her and she hated Lexa for it. She didn't deserve for Lexa to ever call her a mother. She was a monster.

She was heartless, she didn't care about anyone except for herself, she always wants to hurt people at any chance she can get, torture them with the lowest of weapons. She was one of the worst people Lexa had ever met in her life, which was saying a lot and no matter how much venom there were in the woman's words, she tried not to care about the things the woman said, tried to raise herself above it and most times, she was able to do it but today was not one of those days. Today, she couldn't because Tessa knew how to hurt and destabilize her with just one word. One precious word. A name.

A name that had once meant everything to her and that still meant the same. A name that had represent everything good she had in her life. A name that represented her savior, her protector, her best friend, her partner in crime, her playmate, her teacher, her brother, her entire world, her person. A name that represented the one person she knew she could trust herself with, the one person who she was never afraid would hurt her. The one person who cared about her more than anything, who stood by her no matter what, the one person she had hoped she would never have to lose but the first person that she lost.

Lexa came into a little river there was near the camp site they had chosen, where she stopped to catch her breath. She was panting from the run, sweating and there were tears falling from her face. She usually had such a good grip on her emotions, she was always able to control herself and never felt as out of balance as she was feeling now. She was feeling a mess inside and out and she didn't know who she really blamed for that. If it was for that evil woman and her poisonous word or for the guilt that Lexa carried deep in her heart and in her soul for something that had been out of her control which had horrible consequences.

She crunched down by the side of the river as she watched the water flowing and tried to calm herself down by focusing on the little waves that made the water tremble a little, and her heart tried to slow it down from the rapid beating pace it had taken, as she let her thoughts wander and she closed her eyes, trying to calm her breathing and steady her heart when the memory pulled her away from that place and time, taking her back to a time where she had been truly happy. A time when her brother, her hero was still alive and by her side as he had promised her he would always be.

"**You broke your promise. You left me**," Lexa said with her eyes still closed and tears falling down on her face when suddenly she felt something press against her neck and she recognized what it was. A gun. She stilled not wanting to provoke whoever it was.

"**Don't move or I'll shoot you**," Lexa tried to maintain her calm, although she mentally cursed herself for being so reckless as to let her guard down like this. Someone of her position with the enemies she has, lurking around at every corner waiting for one tiny chance to take her down, she can never let her guard down like this because if she does, it can mean her death. Judging by the choice of weapon, this was a Sky person seeking revenge for the deal she took. As she had expected, there would always be one who would try to do something like this.

However, by the shaking of the gun that she could feel against her neck, she knew that it was someone who was being ruled by his emotions or that didn't have much contact with the weapons before and therefore, didn't quite know how to manage it be it for one of those two reasons. Either way, it would be too risky to take action because they could shoot her before she could do anything so she came up with another idea, a crazy one but perhaps it would work. If this was a Sky person, then maybe he could be reasoned with, after all the Sky People were so fond of talking. She decided to try. She had no other choice at the moment.

"Can I at least know the name of the person who wishes to kill me?" She asked whoever it was and felt the gun pressed a little further into her neck, but the answer came anyway.

"Jasper," He said in a low quivering voice and Lexa wrecked her brain trying to remember if she knew who he was and she did.

"Jasper. I know you. Clarke has told me about you and you other friend, Monty, isn't it?" She said trying to keep her tone gentle as to not spook him.

"I don't care about what Clarke told you. I will kill you and she will be next," He said angrily at hearing the other two people he blamed for the pain he was feeling inside his heart.

Lexa felt her body freeze. He wanted them both dead and Lexa could not allow that to happen under any circumstance. She wouldn't allow any harm to come to Clarke for as long as she had a say in it and sky person or not, she would end his life before he could even try to harm a hair in Clarke's head. The only problem was that she knew that he was someone Clarke cared about deeply, she had been worried for him and the others, telling Lexa about how she had saved him after he was speared and everything, so Lexa knew she needed to be careful.

Besides, something told her and she felt, deep down by the tone of his voice, that she could reach out to him so before taking more drastic measures, she decided to keep trying this way for now. "Okay, Jasper. Can I know the reason why you would want both of us dead? What have Clarke and I done to warrant your anger and desire for vengeance?" She asked him and felt the gun lose its pressure a little before being enforced against her neck one more time.

"You are the reason my girlfriend is dead," He said to her and although Lexa was not familiar with this word he used, girlfriend, she believed she understood what it meant. The girl he was with romantically. That could be problematic.

"Okay, Jasper, tell me who was your girlfriend?" She asked him calmly, trying to maintain a civil conversation with him and for the fact that he has yet to shoot her means that her plan may be actually working, she could only hope it would.

"Maya. Maya Vie. She lived in Mount Weather but she wasn't like the rest. She was good. She was helping us. But Clarke killed her, like she meant nothing," He said with his voice trembling and this was bad, but she tried to keep her calm.

"I am sorry for your loss, Jasper. Do you mind if I turn around? I won't try anything. I just think I owe it to you to look you in the eyes," She said to him and waited for his answer, though it didn't come verbally, she understood his silence for an yes so she slowly turned around and faced him. He was a young skinny man, with eyes red and puffy, most likely from crying.

"I'm sure your girlfriend Maya was a good person and I know she will be missed by many, you most of all but I need you to understand that what happened to her wasn't my fault or Clarke's," She said slowly and as gently as she could, he shook his head angrily.

"Yes, it was! If you hadn't betrayed us, she could have been alive and Clarke didn't even give us a chance to try to save them, she just killed her, killed all of them. She is a heartless monster and you are a traitor," He said angrily as tears fell down on his face.

"Jasper, you were one of the first hundreds of your people to come down on the ground weren't you?" She asked him and he nodded at her. "Then, you know Clarke for longer than I have," She said and he also nodded to that, before she continued, "So let me ask you this, moving past all the pain and heartbreak you are feeling right now, do you really think, do you really believe that if there was any other solution that Clarke wouldn't have chosen it over killing everyone in that Mountain?" Lexa asked before continuing.

"Do you really believe that me and my people wanted to spare the people that for years have used us as blood bags and has turned us into monsters? No, we didn't. I didn't. But Clarke convinced me that there were innocent people inside that place, people that had refused to be a part of the cruelty others were inflicting on my people, that we had to spare them and so I agreed. So, do you really think that someone who tried so hard to save them, would have done what she did if there was any other way?" Lexa explained to him and she could see that he was thinking about what she was saying.

"But I was going to kill him and it would all be over and everyone would be safe. If she had just waited for me, I could have stopped it all. I know I could have. I could have saved Maya, without having to commit mass murder," He said to her and she nodded at him.

"Perhaps, but as leaders, sometimes we are not allowed the luxury of waiting, Jasper. Sometimes we are faced with a situation that we must make a decision right at the moment and hope that it is the right one for our people and that's what happened. I guarantee you Jasper, if Clarke could have waited for you, if she could have saved everyone, have no doubts she would have done it," She said to him and he took a moment to think about her words.

She was hoping that arguing these points she would be able to show him a different perspective of the problem and that it would help him give up this notion to kill her but, especially to kill Clarke. She had hope that she wouldn't have to kill someone that Clarke cared about. The blonde girl already hated her for everything Lexa has done to her over the time in which they have known each other already, for having a hand in killing the boy she loved, for almost torturing her friend for a crime she had no comitted, for letting the bomb drop in TonDC, for betraying her at the Mountain.

If she was to kill this boy, which she knew now that she was able to face him, that she could do it in a second, if that were to happen, Clarke might just be the one to come and try to kill her instead, and there would be no talking her way out of that one. Besides, Lexa didn't want to hurt her again. Not after the Mountain. She needed to get through to Jasper by talking him out of this madness or else things would go very bad for everyone involved in this mess and she didn't want that. She hoped he could see reason. Hope was all she could cling to right now.

"Why are you defending her and not yourself? Why are you trying to explain her actions to me and not your own?" He asked her confusedly after some time and she sighed.

"Because I'm not your friend, Jasper. I didn't know you, what you looked like or anything until you put the gun against my head a couple of minutes ago. I don't mind your anger or your hate, they don't bother me. I don't care about it, but Clarke does. She does care because she cares about you and she needs you even if she can't admit it sometimes. Your words and your actions will hurt her more than any of these bullets ever could," Lexa said to him honestly.

"You don't understand. Maya is dead because of her, because of both of you." He said as he clenched his jaw in pain as he remembered his girlfriend's death and she shook her head.

"No, Jasper. Maya is dead because of her leaders, because of what they did. I don't know Clarke for as long as you have but I bet she gave them a chance to do the right thing, didn't she?" Lexa asked him and he seemed surprised.

"How do you know that?" He asked her truly curious how she knew that if she had not been there to see it and she sighed at him giving him a small smile.

"Because that's who she is, Jasper. That's Clarke. She is always trying to find a way to save everyone, to avoid as many deaths as possible so I know she must have given them a choice, a choice that they must have refused, which forced her into the situation that led to your Maya's death so think about it for a second," She said before she continued, "If they had taken the chance she offered, even with my betrayal, would your girlfriend have died?" She asked him and waited for him to think about it.

"No, I don't think so." He said lowly as he looked at her, as if he had never stopped to even think about that possibility, that if Cage had surrendered, everyone would have been alive, betrayal or no betrayal, lever or no lever.

"Exactly Jasper, even if I had betrayed your people, the fate of the people of Mount Weather laid on their leader's shoulders. If they had surrendered, everyone would be alive but they didn't and forced Clarke to do what she had to do to save every one of her people, just as I did when I took the deal they offered to save mine. What happened to your girlfriend and the innocents in that place are their leader's fault and not ours," She said to him and continued,

"Unfortunately, in war, there are always casualties. And more times than it should, people that shouldn't have died are lost in between the fight. Sometimes, we can't understand why the ones that shouldn't die are exactly the ones that do. We can only feel their loss. It happens to so many of us and once it is over, whether we have won or lost, all there is left for us to do is to deal with the pain and the blank space that they leave behind," Lexa said to him and he looked at her absorbing her words which was a good sign.

"Your Maya was one of those incomprehensible deaths of war, Jasper but Clarke is not responsible for it, neither am I. Who could guarantee that if I had stayed, she still wouldn't have died? We can't guarantee because she might had be gone, still." Lexa said to him and slowly, deliberately, she lifted her hand and gently pushed the gun off of her face, Jasper letting her do it. "Clarke is hurting, Jasper. If you know her, you must know that what she has done has cost her a part of herself that she will never get back," Lexa said to him.

"And to know that on top of that, she has hurt you, one of her friends that she fought so hard and sacrificed so much to get back, to save? It will destroy her, it is destroying her right now as we speak. Knowing she is the reason for your pain and for your broken heart will just make her own pain and her guilt ten thousand times worse than it is already. But I'm not saying you need to forgive her right now because you probably won't, not when the wound is still so fresh and you didn't even have time to heal, to process it in your own way, in your own pace," She said as she continued talking to him.

"However, even in your grieving process, you at least can acknowledge the fact that she isn't a monster and that you don't hate her. She is your friend and even if you are mad at her, it won't change that. The only thing facing your pain in a healthy way can do is help both of you start healing and rebuild some of those burnt bridges between you two," Lexa said seriously and Jasper sighed as he looked at her in silence before he started walking past her and sitting down in front of the river and she was left standing alone in between him and her way back home.

What would she choose to do now?


	17. In need of help

Help?

"I don't want to forget her. I don't want to let her go and the pain helps me keep her intact. I'm afraid if I let go of these feelings of hate, anger, hurt, I will lose her again. I can't lose her again," He said looking at the river much like she had been doing before he arrived, and Lexa sighed. She looked at the forest and knew that by giving her his back, he was letting her know he had no intention more to kill her and was letting her go unharmed. But something was compelling her to stay and that's why she turned around and sat down next to him.

"You won't ever forget her. She will always be a part of you but if you let go of the hate, you will be able to remember the good times you spent with her rather than her death. You will be able to remember her smile, her laugh, the away she looked at you and everything that ever made you love her and instead of these feelings of pain, when you remember her, you will feel the peace you felt when she was around," Lexa said to him and he turned to look at her.

"How do you know all of that?" He asked and she sighed.

She didn't think she would ever speak of this again after she talked to Clarke. Talking about Costia had never been an easy thing for her to do, the guilt and the pain consuming her every time she even thought about it. It came to a point that she couldn't speak to anyone, not even those closest to her, the ones who had known the girl, that had known them as a couple but here she was and for some reason she could not yet understand, she felt the need to explain it to him, so she spoke. "Because like you Jasper, I also lost my girlfriend," She said to him and he was completely shocked.

"You did?" He asked looking back at her. He would have never been able to think that someone like her would be able to understand him but apparently, she could do it because she had gone through the same thing he was going through right now.

"I did. I lost her and in a worst way than you lost yours, I can guarantee you that." She said honestly, chuckling sadly as she looked down at her hands before looking up front.

"Can you tell me about her?" He asked shyly, wanting to know about her experience but not wanting to irritate her and she gave him a small smile, followed by a nod before turning to look at the scene in front of her, of the forest, so calm as she prepared herself to relive those memories. She took a deep breath before she started speaking,

"Her name was Costia. She was older than me by one summer," She said, and he interrupted.

"You mean like she was a year older than you?" He asked her, trying to understand what she had said about the girl's age.

"That's how the Sky People measure time?" Lexa asked him curiously and he nodded.

"Each season can only happen once in a year. So, a year old is the same as one summer or one winter. Besides, we never had summer or winter so using that would have been tough," He explained to her and she nodded her head absorbing this new information about this strange and new people she was dealing with.

"Sorry for interrupting you to ramble," He said to her, looking really apologetically and she shook her head, dismissing his apologies.

"No, it's okay. I enjoyed learning something new about your people's view of the world," Lexa said to him and he smiled at her.

"So, she was a year older than you?" He asked her and she nodded.

"Yes, she was the daughter of a healer of Polis, one of the bests we have in our capitol. She was beautiful. She had black hair, her skin was a little darker than mine and she had beautiful brown eyes," Lexa described her ex-girlfriend, picturing her face in front of her.

"She sounds beautiful," Jasper said to her truthfully, and she nodded at him.

"She was. One of the most beautiful women I had the pleasure of meeting in my life. Many desired her but she would turn them all down. Anyways, we met when I got hurt during training and her father was not there and she was the one who patched me up. We were inseparable after that, but it took a while for it to become more than just friendship but when it did, it was beautiful, it was perfect. She was my first love," Lexa said remembering.

"She was the one thing that kept me grounded when things would get too hard. If I would ever think of giving up, she would tell me she would leave me if I did it, so I would keep going," Lexa said chuckling as the memories started coming back to her of the many arguments they had when Costia would threaten to leave if Lexa quit her dreams for their people.

"She didn't enjoy the fact that I was Commander and she always preferred that when we were together, I let the Commander out of the way but at the same time, she was my subject and sometimes had to treat me with the respect and submissiveness that my position may demand from my people. We were in love, but we were not equals, not in her eyes and not in mine but we ignored that. We were so young and inconsequential, we had no idea what our relationship could mean for both of us. We were not prepared for what was coming our way," Lexa said as she tensed knowing what was coming next.

"What happened to her?" He asked her gently, knowing it was not easy to talk about and she was brought back from her memories before she answered him sadly.

"I did. Even though I was the Commander, I thought I could have it all. My people's love and hers. That I could be happy and do my best to extend that happiness across the clans. I came up with the idea of the Coalition, to unite my people as one. And Costia was right there by my side through it all," She said before continuing, "But the more clans I got on my side, the more I angered the Ice Nation's queen. She had always been a vicious and cruel and ambitious leader so when she saw that I was in control of 8 other clans, something she could never do, she decided that she needed to break me," Lexa said, taking a deep breath.

"She sent her assassins during the time I went to visit one of the clans and they stole her from our room. She was taken to the Ice Nation. She was tortured for information about me, but she never gave them anything, even because she didn't have it. She was then killed and when I finally returned to Polis and entered my room, her head was there, on a box laying on top of the bed," Lexa said though her throat seemed to tighten as she remembered the scene as if she was seeing it happen again right at this moment.

"All because the queen wanted what the power that you had over the clans?" Jasper asked her shocked by the brutality of the story.

Lexa nodded. "I tell you now Jasper. The feeling you have of wanting to kill the ones responsible for it come to me twice as hard as it does to you because with your Maya, Clarke never intended for her to get hurt, in fact it was the contrary, all Clarke didn't want was to hurt her and the others. But Nia, she wanted to hurt me where she knew it would do the most damage, the person I loved, the only one I had loved by that point. I wanted to kill her so badly for taking Costia from me, you can't begin to imagine," Lexa said clenching her jaw.

"Did you kill her or make her pay for killing Costia?" He asked curious about it. Lexa shook her head and he was surprised. "You didn't? Why not? She deserved to pay," He said angry at the woman without even knowing her and Lexa have him a small and tight smile.

"Yes, she deserved it. She deserved for me to inflict on her the same amount of pain she inflicted on me. To make her feel what I was feeling. To take from her what she took from me. But there was just one problem with that though," Lexa said to him as he paid attention.

"How many lives would be lost in between that fight? How many people on both sides would die so I could claim her head simply for taking my girlfriend? As much as I wanted to wage war against her, I had to think about my people, and I couldn't let her win by losing control of my emotions and just go blind raging after her. I had to think about the best option for my people because that's my job, that is my duty, my destiny, so I did just that and instead of waging war, I stayed quiet about my pain and my anger and finalized my Coalition which was a dream Costia and I created together," She continued the story,

"When I had 11 clans under my command, Nia knew she had lost. The clans that belong to the Coalition are not allowed to trade with others that are not. I may have made that rule just for her because I knew that she would be the last one to come to me given the history between both of our Clans. She had always been power-hungry and seeing me accomplish what no other commander or chief had ever been able to do triggered her and Costia was her way to get to me, to destabilizing me. Waging war against her in the name of one person was what she expected me to do but I didn't," Lexa said to him and they both smiled.

"Instead, I accepted her and her clan into my alliance, after all, there were many benefits that would bring to the people as the Azgeda army is impressive. Of course, the Trikru army is better and larger but their numbers would still be an asset among other things. So when I said yes, she had no choice but to join and like the other leaders, she had to bow down before me, and for a woman like her to fall on her knees before me, acknowledging in front of everyone that I was more powerful than her was a big humiliation and I took small pride and relief in knowing that I have done that," Lexa said to him and he nodded.

"I can imagine it and that was a good payback. Not enough but it was a good enough start. She must have been very angry at you and at herself for failing to break you the way she had expected she would," He said to her and she gave him a smirk.

"She wasn't angry, she was furious, and anyone could see it, but she had to do it, she had no other option, it is part of the acceptance ceremony. After that, she pretty much kept to herself, provocations regarding Costia was always made by her ambassadors but after the 5th ambassador that I pushed from the top floor of my tower in less than a month, the remarks about it became less and less frequent and now only the most defiant ones say something about it while also being afraid of the consequences of it. I usually weight if I can tolerate then, otherwise, I simply kill them," She said to him and he nodded smiling.

"You are one hell of a badass," He said to her and she titled her head confused at why he was saying such a thing about her.

"Badas? You're calling me amazing but what that has to do with what we are talking about?" She asked him and he realized that it must be a word for the grounders but with a different meaning. He smiled at her

"No, badass in our culture, it means you are awesome, like you can kick some ass," He explained and although she didn't fully understand, she got the general meaning of it and smiled at him a little.

"I guess you could say I am badass," She said testing the word around and he laughed at how weird the word sounded coming from her and she was happy he could be smiling and laughing where minutes ago, he wanted to kill her.

"Jasper," She called to him and he looked at her. "The pain will be excruciating a few days, most days. It will leave you breathless, it will consume you and you will feel like there is no way out, like it will never get better, but you have to remember that it will also feel lighter in other days. That's how life works. But when the pain feels as bad as it did today, remind yourself of the good things you lived with her and cry if you feel like it but don't do anything stupid like you did now pointing that gun at me," She said seriously as he looked at her.

"I was forgiving with you because we were alone, and I could understand your pain and where you were coming from. That allowed me to show you mercy and sympathy but what you just did was threaten the Commander's life and that itself could have earned you a death by thousand cuts, the punishment for any crime performed against the Commander's life, as well as condemning your people to perish for the crime as well," She explained to him as he gulped.

"Death by a thousand cuts? That doesn't sound like fun at all." He said nervously, finally realizing just who he had threatened to kill and she nodded.

"It isn't. If any of my people had seen you pointing that gun to me, they would have demanded retribution even if you had not gone through with the threat and they would have been forced to demand your death for raising your weapons to me and your people would have refused, Clarke would have refused and war would have been waged between us because unlike Finn, I wouldn't have been able to be merciful. You would have suffered. And no one wants that to happen," She said to him and he looked down, ashamed of his actions.

"You are a good kid, Jasper. Don't lose sight of that just because right now the pain is blinding you to everything else. As someone who has been where you are now and has survived it, I can safely tell you, it will get better," She said touching his shoulder.

"I just wanted it to stop. The pain. I just wanted to stop," He said, trying to explain even if he didn't really understand what he had wanted coming in search of her and looked at her.

"You don't erase pain, Jasper. You overcome it, day by day. With the help of those who care about you, who are willing to share your burdens so they can be lighter for you to carry. You need to let your friends help you." She said seriously at the same time gently and he nodded before he turned to look at the horizon and she did the same before she turned to him. "I have an idea," She said and he looked at her curious.

"Look, your friends probably have already learned of your disappearance and even what your plans were, after all you Sky People are not subtle," She said teasingly, and he chuckled knowing she was definitely right about that. "So, it is a good idea for you to go back to assure them that you are okay and that the truce is still in place, but I would like to offer you some help to chanel those emotions for something productive," She said and he nodded.

"What kind of help?" He asked her, interested on what she would offer him to help him deal with his emotions and she looked at him.

"One of my villages was destroyed by a missile from the Mountain. Many would have decided to leave it like that but not me. I want to rebuild it," She said to him.

"I want to make the village even better than it was before. And I wondered if you would be willing to help with that? That way you could do some healing and you could get to know my people and they could get to know you too. Maybe, we could help both of our people mend some bridges we burned. What do you think?" Lexa asked him and he looked at her shockingly and she waited for his answer.

"Would I be safe there? I mean, your people don't like mine very much. So, they wouldn't try to kill me, or would they?" He said, asking her and she chuckled.

"No, they don't like your people, but you would be under my protection. You will be safe, I promise." She said and he nodded, somehow trusting her.

"Okay, I don't know why but I trust you. If you're serious about the offer, I would like to help you and your people rebuild your village," He said smiling at her, and she smiled standing up and helping him back on his feet.

"Very well. I will need at least two days before we will get started so in three days' time, we will meet each other here in this same place and I will take you to the village. Deal?" She asked extending her hand to him and he grabbed it. "Deal," He said and she nodded.

"Now, go before your people think you have been kidnapped by mine and come guns blazing demanding your return." She said and he nodded. He picked up his guns and started on the same way he came from as she watched him. She was glad she didn't have to kill him. He was a good kid, he just needed some help and Lexa was actually glad she was able to offer some of it for him today. She actually felt better about her day and even her mother wouldn't ruin her current mood so she knew it was time to get back to her people and start her work once again.


	18. Hard lessons to learn

Hard Lessons to Learn

"What the hell do you mean Jasper went to kill the Commander?" Bellamy asked as Clarke still tried to calm down her racing heart. She could not think of anything happening to either one of them, this has to be a nightmare.

"Well, I was sleeping but Jasper was with the others and well apparently, Monroe said something about the Commander, about how Emerson had made a deal with the Commander to get her people out if she retreated, leaving us behind. Harper told me that when Monroe said that if she had stayed maybe the outcome could have been different and everything, Jasper finally joined the conversation. According to Harper, he asked Monroe about what the Commander looked like and she gave him the description and he left them after that," Monty explained it to them.

"And how did he get a gun in the first place, Monty?" Bellamy asked the young engineer and Monty sighed deeply as this was not looking good for any of them.

"He still had the one he was using in Mount Weather. He said that he would give it to the guards after we got home and got settled in, but he didn't. He kept it under his pillow." Monty said to them.

"Why do you think he went after the Commander then?" Clarke asked finally finding her voice, making it loud enough for her two friends to hear her question.

"Because when I heard what Harper said, I went to his room to see if I could find him, but he wasn't there and when I looked under his pillow, neither was the gun. On my way here, I passed by Wick who asked me if I would join Jasper and I asked him, join him where and he told me that Jasper had asked Wick to help him escape from the camp, claiming he needed some space from everyone inside. So I did the math, he asked what the Commander looked like, he grabbed his gun and he left camp which could only mean one dangerous thing," He said as Clarke finished the thought for him.

"That he went to kill her," Clarke said more to herself than to the boys and she felt as if her heart was about to burst from her chest. There was no way Lexa would survive a bullet and if she did, that meant that Jasper wouldn't survive. One way or another, she would lose someone she cared about, and she was feeling desperate. However, she knew she needed to use her head or else the situation could become a lot worse for both people, but most of all for her people once the grounders find out about it, they will want retribution and this time, she doesn't think they will let her be merciful. At least, using her head was a lesson Lexa gave her that night by the Mountain's door that she would put to good use in this situation now.

"I had no idea that he would go after the Commander like this. If I had known, I would have tried to stop him. Especially now that we have a truce with the grounders," Monty said to them and Clarke put a hand on his shoulders.

"It wasn't your fault, okay? And we will stop him and bring him home. Unharmed but first we need to warn Kane," She said and looked at Bellamy who nodded so the three of them made their way through the station and to what was being used as the Chancellor's office and they found Kane there.

He was shocked to see all of them coming to the office like this, all at once, but by the look on their faces, they didn't have good news to give him, so he stood up from the couch to meet up with them. "What's wrong now?" he asked them.

"Jasper learned of the deal Lexa made with the Mountain Men and took a gun to go find her. He went to kill her, Kane," Clarke said and couldn't stop the worry from sipping through her voice. Bellamy and Monty thought it was because of Jasper but Kane knew that she was also, if not more worried for Lexa. He was not blind, he could see that there was something more happening between the two girls but this, this was really bad.

"How long ago did he leave?" He asked them and they all looked at Monty.

"Well, Harper and Wick said it has been about two hours or something," Monty said, and Clarke could feel herself become even more worried. It was enough time for the damage to be done already. But what damage was it? Were them too late?

"Do you think we will find him in time?" Bellamy asked them all after a few moments of silence between the four people in the room.

"We don't have another choice. He can't kill her," Clarke answered firmly, and she meant every word. She may be hurt and angry, rightfully so but the simple thought of Jasper putting a bullet through Lexa's head was enough to knock the air out of her lungs. Lexa couldn't die like this. She couldn't die. Period. Clarke wouldn't let it. Her spirit had to stay where it is.

"Clarke is right. We need to go and find him. I will select a group of guards to go with you to find him. Stay right here. I will be back in a second," Kane said and left them in the room as he ran out the door.

"You're right. We have to find him or else any chance of peace with the grounders will be gone forever. They won't stop until they wipe us out if Jasper kills the Commander like this. And with some of us down given what happened in the drilling room, I'm not sure we can win if we have to fight so we need to stop him for the sake of our people and him too. We can't let Jasper do the same thing that Finn did," Bellamy said out loud and he regretted the moment those words came out of his mouth as he noticed when Clarke tensed up.

"I'm sorry, Clarke," He apologized to her and she shook her head.

"Don't worry, it's okay," She said trying to reassure him but the reminder of what happened with Finn and what she had to do was brought back and she tried to push it away to the back of her mind.

"No, it's not okay. I shouldn't have mentioned Finn. I didn't mean to make it out as it was your fault because it wasn't." Bellamy said to her and he meant it. Clarke did what she had to do and she shouldn't be judged harshly for it.

"I said I'm okay. It may not seem like it but I'm stronger than you think," Clarke snapped at him, the memories getting the best of her.

"I know. I'm not trying to say you are not." Bellamy said to her and went quiet after it, not wanting to provoke her even more. Clarke sighed before turning back to him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you." She said to him and he looked at her.

"It's okay. I don't mind." He said but she shook her head.

"I do. You're only trying to help me as usual and here I am biting your head off. I really am sorry." She said and he smiled as she continued talking, "Besides, you are right. We can't let him become like Finn. I can't let him get hurt, not when the reason he is even hurting so badly that he would go to kill the Commander is because I killed his girlfriend," Clarke said to him and Bellamy looked at her.

"We did what we had to do to save our people, Clarke. Jasper needs to understand that," Bellamy said to her and Clarke looked at him.

"But still if Maya hadn't died, if I hadn't killed her, then he…" Clarke trailed off, but Bellamy interrupted her before she could continue.

"Clarke, whatever it is that Jasper tries to do today, that's not on you. The same way those people Finn killed in that village was not your fault either. You couldn't have stopped it. He had made his choice. The same thing goes for Jasper. He is making his choice, anything that happens after that is on him. Not on us. Especially not on you, okay?" Bellamy said as she started pacing waiting for Kane to return.

Bellamy was right. Even if the reason behind Finn's murder spree was because he was trying to find her, to make sure she was okay, it was not her fault that he massacred that village. She didn't ask for him to go around killing innocent people in cold blood in her name or in a misguided attempt to protect her. She would never condone that kind of action he took that day. Neither would the Finn that she knew before she was captured by the Mountain Men. That Finn was kind, that Finn tried to form a peace treaty with the Grounders, befriended Lincoln even after being stabbed by him. That Finn was a pacifist.

Which is why it was so hard for her to look at him and not see him pulling the trigger as body after body started falling at his feet. She couldn't believe what she saw that day. Like she said to Lincoln when she went to him for advice on how to best deal with the situation, the person that committed that horrible crime, it wasn't Finn, at least not the one she knew. His eyes were lost, like he wasn't seeing things clearly. He only stopped when he saw her but by then, there were too many dead. Too many innocent lives taken because he had lost control. She had been scared of him and she felt the pain of his eyes looking at her even now.

Of course, she wanted to save him from death. She cared for him, a lot. Though she said to him just before she killed him that she had loved him, but she wasn't in love with him. Surely, they had started something as he said it himself, but it wasn't this big feeling that shakes you up to the core and leaves you completely vulnerable. The kind of love that with one look you seem to know everything about the person, and they seem to know everything about you. Her saving him didn't mean she had forgiven him for what he did but like he said, she couldn't save him from the things he had done. She could only alleviate his pain and that's what she did.

"I know it was his choice and I know it's not directly my fault, but I can't help feeling like it is. They are my friends, Bellamy. I should be able to help them. My people, my responsibility," Clarke said quoting him, "Whatever they do, as the leader they see me as, responsibility for what they do falls down to me. Whatever problem they have, or cause is my problem too. It's just the way it is. And that's why I feel like this," She said and kept pacing the room, but he grabbed her arm halting her steps, turning her to look at him.

"It's our problem, Clarke. I'm here with you like I said I would be. Always. You're not alone, alright? You have me," Bellamy said to her as he looked intensely into her eyes and she could only stare back. She has been noticing the way he looked at her and she was starting to see more than just friendship reflected on them. She didn't know how to feel about that, she hadn't thought of Bellamy that way ever, and now after Lexa, she wasn't sure she ever would look at anyone that way again. However, she was saved from dealing with that when Kane came inside and the other three looked at him.

"So where is the team?" Clarke asked him and he shook his head, still looking shocked and surprised which put Clarke on edge before he finally spoke.

"There is no team needed anymore. He has returned. Unharmed and with all of his bullets accounted for," Kane said to them, and Clarke let a deep breath of relief as did the other three.

"Just like that? But how is that possible?" Bellamy asked him and Kane shrugged.

"He did not speak to me, only let me take his gun and check the clip. I'm afraid if you want more answers, you will have to ask him yourself." He said to them and the three friends nodded as they moved to leave the room, Clarke giving him a subtle nod in a show of gratitude which was returned before she also left.

The three of them moved towards where Jasper's room was located and once they got there, Monty knocked on the door a few times and they heard Jasper's voice say to come in so looking at his two companions, the young engineer opened the door and went inside to find his friend laying down on his bed facing the ceiling as the three of them walked inside and closed the door behind them. "Jasper tell us that you didn't leave to go kill the Commander," Bellamy said breaking the silence between them.

"I did," Jasper answered like it was nothing which worried them.

"And what happened?" Monty asked and Jasper shrugged.

"I didn't find her." He lied though they didn't know. He didn't want them to know of his talk to her, much less of her offer so he lied.

"What were you thinking, Jasper? If you had found her and killed her, do you have any idea what that would mean for your, for us?" Clarke said and he looked at her and nodded.

"Yeah, I know," He said shrugging his shoulder and she was frustrated.

"Then, why did you go at all?" She asked and he shrugged.

"Because I needed to go for myself." He said and she shook her head.

"So, you wouldn't have cared if the grounders had killed you and wiped us out? Kill every one of us because of something you did?" She asked him and he looked at her.

"After everything we have done, do we even deserve to survive, Clarke?" He asked her and she was left speechless, "After more than 600 hundred people died by our hands, do we really deserve to live? To be happy? To laugh? To enjoy this when so many died for it?" He said looking directly at her, "I don't know but Maya was right about one thing though. None of us are innocents," He said to them as he continued speaking.

"All our hands are covered in blood of our enemies, of innocents people and we keep telling ourselves we had to do it. It was for our people. We had to do it. But until when are we going to keep using that as an excuse for all the monstrous things we have done and continue to do? When are we going to stop pretending to be the victims of circumstances or whatever and face the truth that we did those things because that is who we have become? What is so different about what Finn did to what we have done? He murdered innocents for his people. Didn't you?" He said to them as they could only listen.

He stood up from his bed and walked around to stand in front of them. "I wonder, when all of this is over and we survive it, will we wish we hadn't?" He said to them and they had no answer. This was definitely not the Jasper they were expecting to encounter. This level-headed person who was speaking without shivering or without crying but with a confidence and calm that it hadn't been there before.

"I thought it would make me feel better to kill the Commander, but it wouldn't have so I will not try it again, if that is what you are worried about. I don't need babysitters. I can take care of myself. And don't worry. I will not put our people at risk, after all, we know that there is nothing we are not capable of doing if it that happens, right?" He said before he moved past them and out of his room as they were left there without a reaction.


	19. Proving Strength

Proving Strength

Lexa returned to her camp shortly after she said goodbye to Jasper in the woods and passed by everyone going straight for her tent. She could see Tessa from the corner of her eyes so as she passed Ryder, she ordered him to keep the woman away from her, he nodded his head and she went inside. Once she was safe behind the comfort of the metaphorical walls of her tent, Lexa finally let out a breath of relief. Today was a very emotional day and she was ready for it to be over. Luckily for her, the night was starting to fall so she had the perfect excuse to stay in her tent for the rest of the night without being bothered by anyone.

She shed her armor, leaving herself in her normal clothing before she went straight to bed. Last night, her emotions would not let her sleep but this time, her emotions only wanted for her to go to sleep so she listened to them and threw herself on the bed, falling asleep almost immediately with how tired she was emotionally. Tessa being there was a tense situation that she would need to tread carefully for, the woman was a snake and Lexa would not trust her at all. She would need to keep an eye on her excuse of a mother for as long as the woman would stay in her camp, amongst her people, near her.

Thankful by a night without nightmares, Lexa woke the next day, early as usual but this time she stayed in bed for a while longer than she normally did, thinking about the events of yesterday's afternoon and her talk with Jasper. She didn't know what drew her to him to make her show him such mercy and compassion but she supposed it was because she saw a lot of herself when she lost Costia in him and the same way Anya helped her at that time, she decided she wanted to help him, even because helping him would make sure he didn't try with Clarke what he tried with her. Even if the blonde couldn't stand to see her, Lexa would still do everything in her power to keep her safe from harm.

After that moment of indulgence, she decided that it was too much musing over things for one morning so Lexa stood up and went to where a bath would have been drawn for her already as usual and it was ready for her. She lowered herself on the tub and tried to relax, after all today would been a tiring day on her patience so she meditated and spent some time there before finishing her bath, drying herself off, changing her clothes, putting on her armor, her head piece, shoulder pad and walking to her throne before calling for Ryder to get Indra.

She waited a little bit before her general walked inside her tent bowing before her. "**You sent for me, Commander?**" She asked her and Lexa nodded.

"**Yes, Indra. I have two important matters to discuss with you that I do not want to be delayed any further,**" She said, and the older woman nodded.

"**Of course, Commander. What is it?**" Indra asked and Lexa looked at her before starting.

"**Well, first of all, Tessa**," Lexa saw Indra's jaw clench at the mention of the woman, "**She is here to represent Trishanakru but I don't trust that the only reason why she is here if to escort the rescued people from her clan. She always has another motive, I want to know what,**" Lexa said to her as Indra listened.

"**I want you to assign someone trustworthy to keep an eye and an ear on Tessa. I want to know who she talks to, what she talks about, what she eats, what she does. I want to know everything. Something about this visit is not right and I want to know what it is. Can you do that?**" Lexa asked her and Indra nodded her head, already with someone in mind for the task.

"**Malik is very good at that and she doesn't know him. it would be easy for him to spy on her and he is completely loyal to you, Commander. He would be the perfect choice,**" Indra suggested, and Lexa nodded. Malik was a boy of 15 from a village near TonDC, who joined them recently finally being considered a warrior and not a second. And he was incredibly loyal to her, it would be the best choice.

"**Very well, debrief him on his mission and the secrecy of it all**," Lexa approved her suggestion and Indra nodded relieved she could help her Commander.

"**What was the other matter you wanted to discuss with me, Commander?**" Indra asked her.

"**I have decided that I, that we will rebuild TonDC to its former glory**," Lexa said as simple as that and Indra could not help but be shocked for what she just heard.

"**Excuse me, Commander**. **I don't think I understood what you just said**," Indra said surprised as Lexa gave her a small smile.

"**We both know the truth of what happened that day, don't we Indra?**" Lexa said with a pointed look towards her general and Indra knew she was talking about the fact that Lexa and Clarke knew of the missile and let it hit the village. She nodded.

"**Yes, we do, Commander**," She answered truthfully as Lexa nodded, pleased that her general decided not to try to lie to her about the matter.

"**I made the choice I thought was best for all of us, for the success of our mission against the Mountain, as much as it pained me to have to let so many of our people die for it. However, I will not let that be the end of what has been the center village of the Trikru clan since the beginning of our story. I have sent word for the best builders in all of the Coalition, save from the Ice Nation as usual, and they will be coming here in the next couple of days to start rebuilding your village**," Lexa explained, and Indra was still shocked about it.

"**Commander, I don't know what to say**," Indra said, trying to find the words but being unsuccessful as Lexa shook her head dismissively at her.

"**You don't need to say anything. It's my duty as your Commander and as part of Trikru to see the restoration of TonDC**," Lexa said and Indra nodded, overwhelmed.

"**Thank you for your generosity**," The general expressed her gratitude, but Lexa waved her off.

"**There is no need for that. I wanted to let you know now because once everything in this camp is settled, you and I will be going there to oversee the construction and after everything, it's the least I could do**," Lexa said and Indra nodded, "**Now, onto the matters of today, are the generals already gathered?**" Lexa asked her and Indra nodded one more time.

"**Yes, they are in the war tent waiting for you, Commander**," The general said as Lexa stood up from her throne and descended the few steps until she was eye level with Indra.

"**Then, let's go**." Lexa said and moved past the general and out of her tent in the direction of the other one who was a few feet away from her own. Once she got inside, the noise the generals were making was silenced as she walked around the table and stood at the head of it with Indra and Ryder by her side. The generals made half bows as expected and she nodded at them. "**Seeing as everyone is here, we will start this meeting**," The generals nodded.

"**As you may have heard already, The Mountain has fallen**," She said as they looked at each other, "**The Sky People has killed them all, not one Mountain Men remains to live the tale of their people**," Lexa said to them.

"**How did they do that, Commander**?" Ami, the Podakru general, asked her directly.

"**From what I know Ami, Clarke of the Sky People infiltrated their technology along with her friends and used it to destroy them by letting them breathe our air which was toxic for them**," She answered him who nodded at her.

"**So, what you are saying is that all it took to destroy them was our air and you let the Sky People take our right for justice from us?**" Leni, the Yuljedakru general said angrily and Lexa looked at him.

"**I didn't let them take our vengeance, Leni. The Sky people were fighting for their people and I had already saved mine,**" Lexa said to him and he scoffed.

"**You dishonored us all**," He said to her as she titled her head, not liking his tone or his words.

"**Leni is right. This battle was ours. Their blood was ours to claim and you robbed us of that because you were too afraid to fight them. You have weakened us**," Daniel, the Ice Nation general said as others agreed.

"**Is that what you all think I have done? Weakened and dishonored our people?**" She asked them, staying perfectly calm as they just stared at her before Leni spoke again.

"**You are not my Commander**," Leni said seriously, and the others looked at her waiting for a reaction. She said nothing to him, to any of them. She simply unclasped her shoulder pad and put it on top of the table before she removed her coat and put it beside the pad before she was left only in a sleeveless shirt as she unsheathed her ceremonial sword.

"**All of you. Outside**," Lexa said to them before she moved passed all of the generals and out of the tent with Indra behind her and the generals following suit.

"**Warriors of the 12 Clans**." Lexa called out loudly and they all turned to look at her. She even could see Octavia and Lincoln along with Nyko on one side. Once she was sure she had their attention, she continued, "**My generals think me unfit to command you. They think I am no longer worthy of being the Commander because I chose to save my people instead of letting you die for no reason at all. I think some of you may even think the same, so I am giving this chance. Along with my generals, those that think that, step forward and let the sword settle this once and for all**," She said challenging them.

"What is she doing?" Octavia asked Lincoln and Nyko.

"They are questioning her strength, so she needs to prove herself again. That is why she is challenging them to fight her," Lincoln explained as she nodded not taking her eyes off of the Commander who looked nothing short of deadly.

"Will they?" She asked, not understanding why anyone would do such a thing.

"Some of them will," He answered her.

"Then what?" She asked again and this time it was Nyko who answered.

"Then, she will kill them and the discussion will be put in the past. The Commander lets us have our opinions as long as we don't disrespect her like they have by questioning her title," the healer explained as Lincoln nodded.

Lexa stood in the middle of the circle and watched as a few warriors stepped forward in front of her. "**Generals, if you would join them**," She said motioning forward and the generals did just that. Counting all of them, it was about 30-35 warriors that she would have to kill, she always hated to do this but there was no other way. She stood in front and opened her arms.

"**Shall we?**" She said and waited for the first one to attack. It was one of the warriors who joined, she blocked his advance before she kneeled down, and slid her sword through his stomach before standing up and doing the same to his back.

She looked back at the rest with her face, splashed of blood. The next two came together and she dodged both of their sword before she twisted one's arms putting him in front of her as the other's sword pierced his body and she pierced the other's head with her own before throwing both of their bodies to the ground picking up a second sword for herself. The next three groups that attacked were easier to kill, a couple of swings and there were more bodies on the ground. She looked up and there were 15 warriors left, she took a deep breath before the next group moved forward.

This time it was 5 on one. They moved at the same time, thinking they would have the upper hand if they attacked in group but Lexa was even faster to deflect all of their blows before she took a step forward swinging her sword on the one in the middle, kicking the one on the left in the chest, twirling around and slashing the third before twirling back and fighting the forth before cutting his throat. The blood splashed in her face temporarily blinded her and she didn't see the fifth one come from behind and only felt his sword running through her lower back all the front to her lower stomach as she grinded her teeth together in pain

"**You're done**," He said on her ear and all she did was twirl her sword in her hand and drive though his head as the blood fell on her shoulder before she pulled it back and removed his sword from her body. She knew that she needed to stop the bleeding, so she removed her dagger and drove it through the wound to contain the bleeding. Before the others moved forward, Lexa had been on defense but since time was not on her side, she moved to attack and despite the dagger and the wound, she was still faster than them so with movement after movement, she was leaving body after body behind. By this point, she was drenched from head to toe in red blood, some mixing with her own black one.

There was only Daniel, Leni and Declan so the three of them, of course, moved in unit, circling her. The first one to attack was Declan moving forward, however at the last minute she sidestepped him and swung her sword, piercing it through his heart before kicking his body forward and turning to Leni who attacked and managed to push her back before she used the momentum of the fight to crunch down and twirl her leg making him fall to the ground before driving the sword down on his neck and pulling up before she looked up at Daniel.

For him, she didn't even pull her sword out of Leni's body, she simply stood up and moved towards him. He swung his sword at her but she dodged all of them before waiting for the right moment where she grabbed his wrist and bent it taking the sword from his hand before signing and slashing his throat before kicking him on the leg causing him to fall on his knee and she swung her sword again, this time cutting off his head as it rolled down on the ground. Lexa took a deep breath since her body was in real pain from the wounds she received, some small cuts and the big one on her stomach.

"**I am your Commander and I fight for my people. Always have. Always will. I swore to protect you and your families and that is what I have done and will continue to do so whether you like it or not. I don't expect you to understand my decisions, but I do expect that you respect them and me. I chose to be your Commander because I care for every single one of you and if I made the decision I made in the Mountain, be sure that it was the best choice for all of us. Now, go back to your duties,**" She said to them before she turned around and walked away from the scene and went back to her tent.

"I will go check on the Commander," Nyko said leaving the couple with Octavia who was still shocked with what she just witnessed. That was not human. Lexa fought 10 people with a dagger on body covering a wound.

"Is she for real?" She asked Lincoln who looked worriedly towards the Commander's tent.

"She is reckless but yes, she is for real," He said wanting to go check on her but knowing it was not his place to do so.

"She is amazing, that was out of this world. Can I ever learn to fight like that?" She asked her boyfriend and he chuckled.

"Heda's abilities are one of a kind plus she has been training ever since she was three years old. Not matter how good you are or become, she will always be better. But you can try to get close, that is what all of us do," He said to her before he directed them back to Nyko's tent to change their bandages. Inside Lexa's tent, Nyko and Indra were there with her as he removed her shirt and took a look at all the damage the fighting has caused. He didn't want to fail in healing his Commander, so he always did more than his best when treating her wounds.

"**Just close the wound and be done with it, Nyko**. **I have other matters to overlook**," Lexa ordered him, irritated by the whole situation.

"**Yes, Commander. I will do my best, but it will leave a scar**," He said and started treating it. She winced once in a while but suffered through it, she really didn't care about scars, it wasn't the first or the last she would receive anyway so why bother.

"**What will you do now, Commander?**" Indra asked and Lexa looked at her.

"**We still have matters to discuss so gather the next in line for the fallen generals and send them to the tent. Once Nyko is done treating me like a child, I will go there**," She said to Indra who left to do as she ordered, and the healer gave a stronger pull of her stitches which made her wince in pain.

"**Be patient, Commander. We are almost done**," He said to her and she sighed. It took him about 20 more minutes before she was all treated, bandaged and good to go, "**Please, don't force it to much, Commander otherwise, you could bleed to death**," He said pointedly at her and she nodded her head at him, showing she understood the warning before she walked out of her personal tent and towards the war tent where the replacements for her generals were already waiting for her.

Her armor was still there so Lexa started putting it back, starting by her coat, before putting on her shoulder pad and locking it in place as Indra gave her back her sword, clean of blood and she sheathed it before turning to them. "**Now, what happened with your predecessors was most unfortunate and I hope none of you will make the same poor choices they made for doubting my commitment to my people now, will you?**" She asked them and they shook their heads bowing to her.

"**No, Commander. We will not**," They said in unison showing her respect and she was satisfied with it for the moment so she also nodded before she started speaking.

"**Very, well, then let's start this meeting once again. As I was saying…**"


	20. Worhty memorial

The next day from the whole Jasper incident, Clarke woke up quite early as well. The nightmares that would come to haunt her every night were not letting her sleep for too long either so getting up and making quick work on her clothes, Clarke walked out of her room. Coming down from the high of fearing for Lexa and Jasper was hard for Clarke. That night she had dreams about both of their deaths and was hard for her to sleep but now she was feeling calmer than she had been since Monty came to get her and Bellamy to tell them of Jasper's ridiculous and extremely dangerous plan.

As she walked through the halls of Alpha Station, she could still feel the eyes and the looks of the people who stared at her. She tried to ignore them on a daily basis but she wasn't always successful as she wanted to be. She didn't know which one of them bothered her the most. The ones who looked at her in fear of what she had done and was capable of doing or those that look at her in awe for the same reason. One looked at her as if she was a monster and the other as if she was a hero. But in the end, surprisingly enough, both ways made her realize that she was neither one.

She wasn't a monster and she wasn't a hero. She was a leader. She was just a leader, trying to do what was best for her people, hoping that the decisions she makes are the right ones to keep them all safe and protected. She imagined that was what Cage and Dante told themselves to feel better about what they did, which is why she needed to keep a close eye on herself whenever she had to walk the thin line that they crossed with their cruelty or else, she would be just like them and she refused that with everything in her. She may not be the good guy she thought she was, but she was also not the big bad of this story, not like they were.

Clarke got to the dining hall and went to grab some food for herself when she noticed that Bellamy was sitting all alone in a table, so she decided to go and sit with him. She put her tray down across from him as he looked up at her.

"Good morning," He greeted her, and she gave him a small smile.

"Good morning. How did you sleep?" She asked him and he shrugged.

"I slept something. You?" He threw the question back at her and she shrugged it too.

"Pretty much the same. Nightmares as usual," She told him and he nodded as she noticed people watching their table and sighed, "Do people stare at you too?" She asked him as they started to eat again, and he nodded.

"Yeah, they do but I don't think it is as much as they look at you. They don't associate me with what happened as much as they do with you," He said to her sincerely and she nodded.

"Well, I guess it's just something I will have to learn how to deal with, won't I?" She said to him and he nodded.

"Unfortunately, I think so, yeah," He answered her and there was a bit of silence between them before Clarke broke it.

"Did you have any luck talking to Jasper again?" She asked him and he shook her head.

"Not since he returned." Bellamy answered before he asked her, "Did you think about what he said to us?" She looked at him and sighed nodding.

"I couldn't stop thinking about it and fearing that he was right. We do use the 'I did it for my people' for the most brutal things we have done as if it justifies it, as if it makes it okay but then, I remember that so did the Mountain when they drained people of their blood or bone marrow, so did Jaha when he floated people for petty crimes like having a second child. If you ask them how they could do what they did to the grounders or what Jaha did to your mother or my father, the answer will be that they were doing for their people. How are we any better than they were?" Clarke asked him and he nodded understanding where she was coming from.

"I don't know. I guess that is the problem we have, isn't it? We don't know what makes us different than they were," Bellamy said to her and she sighed nodding to him.

"Yes, it is and I am starting to realize that we really don't. I really don't," She said to him honestly and looked around before she spoke again, "I was thinking something and I would like your help to do it," She said to him and he looked at her.

"Whatever you need, you know that. Always," He said to her genuinely and she nodded, giving him a small smile thankful for his constant presence in her life, especially at this time when she needs him and her friends the most to try and get better.

"I was thinking that we should burn the bodies. Given them peace in death even if they never had it in life," Clarke said to him and he stopped eating to look at her.

"Going back to the Mountain? You sure about that?" He asked her and she nodded.

"We can't just leave their bodies to rot. We did more than enough to them. We owe them this, Bellamy. You, me, Monty, more than anyone else," Clarke said to him and he nodded.

"Okay, I agree. We owe them to put them to rest, but just the two of us? We can't get it done ourselves," He asked her, and she shook her head.

"No, of course not. Gather the rest of the 100 and meet me by the gates in half an hour. If anyone should do it, it's all of us," She said to him and he nodded. She finished her food and stood up, walking away. She knew she needed to talk to her mom and Kane and so that is why she went to find them at the chancellor's room.

"Hey guys, do you have a minute to talk?" She said to them by the door as they both turned to look at her and Abby smiled at her daughter.

"Of course, sweetie. Come on in," Abby said to her motioning for her to come inside and Clarke walked in, hugging her mom and Kane as well.

"What is it? Is there a problem? Something wrong with you?" Abby asked her a little worried and Clarke gave her a small smile at that.

"No, Mom, nothing like that. I just wanted to ask for permission to go to the Mountain to burn the bodies. I feel like they deserve a proper burial," Clarke said to them and the two adults looked at each other.

"Won't that cause a problem with the grounders?" Kane asked her and she shook her head. "No, because by their own laws, we conquered the Mountain, so, technically, it is ours. If we were to move inside, that is when it would become a problem. But doing this, or taking what we need from there, it is allowed. Trust me," Clarke said to them and they nodded.

"Okay, if you say so, we will trust you. But, exactly how many of you are going? You can't possibly do it alone," Abby asked her, and Clarke nodded.

"No, I can't so that is why I am taking the rest of the 100 with me. That place, it means something different for us than it does for the rest of our people so I think we should be the ones to do it," Clarke explained to them.

"Should we send guards with you just in case a problem does occur with the grounders?" Kane asked her worriedly and the blonde seemed to think on it before shaking her head.

"No, we will be safe. There is no need to worry." Clarke said to them and they nodded.

"Very well, as Chancellor, you have my permission." Abby said and Clarke gave her a smile.

"Thanks Mom." Clarke said and turned to leave.

"You will come back, won't you?" Abby asked her and Clarke turned to look at her mother and saw the concern in her face and smiled.

"Yes, I will. I love you Mom," She said sincerely, and Abby smiled.

"I love you too, sweetheart," Abby replied and with that Clarke walked out of the room and in the direction of the gates where she would meet with Bellamy and the others and once she got out of Alpha Station, she could already see them gathered and she could also see Jasper, waiting as well, and she hoped there wouldn't be too much of a problem with him. Bellamy came to meet with her and handled a backpack for her.

"So, can we go?" He asked her and she adjusted the pack and nodded.

"Yes, open the gates." Clarke said turning to the guards and they did it.

Just like that, they started on their journey to the Mountain. It was a long journey, with the pace they were in, it would take roughly 6 hours to get there and surprisingly, Raven and Wick. At first Clarke was worried for her friend but Raven and Wick had an agreement that when she got tired or it hurt too much that he would carry her much like he did when they returned so it was all good. The trip was mostly made in silence or small conversations in certain groups but Clarke wasn't feeling up to be talking much so she mostly listened to what the others said. And by midday, they finally arrived by the Mountain's entrance and they all stopped.

"We will take an hour to rest and then we begin." She said out loud for them to hear and they nodded everyone sat down on the grass in groups and Clarke, Raven, Bellamy and Wick sat down together to eat something and to rest, "How are you feeling, Raven?" Clarke asked her friend as they leaned against the metal door.

"I'm fine. I mean it hurts but that is my new normal now so there is that," Raven said shrugging it off and Clarke nodded.

"Let's do some work on that leg, okay?" She said and the mechanic sighed before she nodded begrudgingly as Clarke started doing a few PT movements. She had been studying how to best help her friend. They continued on for a few more minutes before Clarke stopped, "And now? How are you feeling?" She asked Raven and the girl smiled.

"Much better, thanks Clarke," Raven said honestly, and the blonde shook her head.

"You're welcome." Clarke said as she stood up to speak with the others and form groups to organize it better through the remaining time they had before Clarke looked at her father's watch and saw the time, "Okay, guys, let's go," She said to them and they all stood up as she took a deep breath, opened the door and before going in.

This would be the first time she would see again what she did, what she had to do to save her people from a terrible fate and she wasn't sure how well prepared she was for it, emotionally but she also felt like it was something she needed to do in order to begin to heal. She needed to put them and what she did to them to rest, it would be the only way she could start to try to move forward with her life. The smell hit them right at the start and so they raised the cloths she had them prepare earlier and they all put it on as they came across the first bodies.

"Group A. Bring them out," She called out and the group stepped forward before they kept on going, designating the groups to take care of the bodies as they saw it on the way, until they got to level 5, "The rest of us will take care of them," She said to who was left, which included Jasper and moved forward to start working. From the corner of her eyes, she could see Jasper kneeling beside Maya's body and the tears that fell down his face and she felt her own eyes moisturize with the scene she was seeing.

She looked away from him to give a moment of privacy if he needed and continued with her work. It was not easy to see what she had done, and the bodies of the kids definitely tore something inside of her to carry them outside, but she had to do it. They decided to make all the pyres before lighting them up, so they continued working, everyone in silence, only asking if there was a question about what to do or something work related, otherwise everyone stayed silent. Clarke had asked Raven to check on what the Mountain had to offer along with Wick so that when the teams came to gather it, they already knew what to look for.

And hour, after hour, passed on just like that, without Clarke even noticing it. Bellamy always stayed close to her, she suspected it was just in case she broke down and needed some comfort, but she felt confident that at least she wouldn't do that here, when she was back in her room, most definitely. However, she didn't mind his presence, it was a comfort to her, so she didn't even mention anything to him and just kept working. It took them about 3 hours to get everyone outside and there were about 10 pyres lined up in the entrance of the Mountain.

Once they were done, everyone walked back outside and Clarke asked Bellamy to make a torch and within a couple of minutes he gave her one as they all stood in front of the bodies. "**I guess if anyone wants to say something to them, now could be the time**," Clarke spoke with a strain in her voice and most of them stayed quiet when suddenly a noise appeared out of nowhere and they say a Rover came to their side. They all looked at it with confusion on their faces until the doors opened and Raven came out of it.

They all relaxed and then on the other side Jasper got out but didn't get very far before he turned back and did something inside the vehicle and soon enough, music was being played out loud as Jasper walked forward and took the torch from Clarke's hand, without much protest from her and walked forward as he started lighting up the pyres, one after the other before throwing the torch on the last one and walking back to his spot. Clarke understood. There were no words that could make this better, or easier so she guessed Jasper preferred ripping it quickly and she couldn't fault him for that.

They stayed like that watching the bodies burn in the fire until the pyres all burnt out before without another word being said except for the sound of the music paying, they picked up their things and decided to make their way back home. Raven, Wick, Jasper and Monty went inside the Rover while the others did the track on foot. Raven had asked her to go with them, but Clarke had refused, she wanted to do some penitence by walking all the way back beside she needed sometime alone with her thoughts. Bellamy decided to stay with her and along with the rest of the hundred, they made their way back, arriving really late on camp as Clarke said goodbye to everyone and went straight to her room, where she broke down, with a promise to pick herself right back up tomorrow.


	21. Forming friendship

Forming Friendships

Two whole days passed since the day she fought with her generals and some of her people and on the third day, Lexa woke up at the break of dawn to train a little. Luckily, that wicked woman decided to leave her alone for the moment but was still at the village and Lexa had no reason to kick her out yet, so Tessa stayed for these couple of days. Meanwhile, all Lexa did was met with her generals to discuss the next steps and take care of her people, and at the rare time she had to herself, she could only think of Clarke. Nothing she did could take her mind off of the sky girl completely and truly, she doubted something ever could.

So this morning, Lexa decided to do something different so she decided on going to train, after all as Commander, she needed to keep her fighting skills very sharp because she never knew when she would need to use all of them to defend herself and her people, the way she had to do not three days before so she got up put on a sleeveless shirt, her pants and laced up her boots before she made her way out of the tent, ordering her guards to stay behind. She wouldn't be leaving the camp so there was no reason for them to follow her around, if anyone tried anything, she could take care of it. They all obeyed and stayed where they were.

Lexa decided to go check the training grounds first, as she could hear the warriors fighting and cheering along the way already. They were mostly early risers like herself but still it sparked her curiosity. It was nice to see everyone enjoying their time even though she had to betray the girl she cares about to guarantee that they could all have this. Looking over to them, she knows she did the right thing for her people and she hoped Clarke would realize that she did the right thing for hers even if they and herself don't recognize it as such.

Lexa spotted Indra and Lincoln who were watching the training ground intensely and when she came closer to them, she could understand why. Octavia was fighting another warrior and they were watching her. As she returned to the Trikru, Lexa had said to Indra that she could continue to train the girl as her second if she wanted and given the talk they had it was obvious the older woman appreciated it and personally, Lexa thought it was a good idea. She really did. However, Octavia was still lacking in many ways that she would have to fix and fix it soon if she planned to fully integrate herself into the Trikru clan.

"**Commander. What an honor for you to join us**," Indra said as she noticed the presence of her beloved Commander. Lincoln also noticed her and bowed his head giving her a small smile to which she returned as she came to stop beside her general to watch the fight. As it happened, it was clear Octavia was winning, she was small but like Lexa herself, she used that as an advantage to help her be faster than her opponents.

"**She is very good and has talent for someone that came from the Sky**," Lexa commented as she watched attentively the younger girl and Indra nodded her head, "**She is much stronger and determinate than most of the Skaikru I have seen so far**," Lexa said as she watched Octavia finalize the guy and win the fight.

"**But there is a lot for her to learn yet**," Indra said agreeing with her and Lexa nodded, Octavia was learning what most seconds already knew but she was good.

"**Okay, who's next?**" Octavia said smirking and just before the man beside her stepped forward, Lexa stopped him and stepped forward herself, making everyone stop what they were doing and watch as the Commander came to the center of the ring. Even Octavia was shocked about this turn of event.

"**I will fight you, Octavia kom Trikru**," Lexa said out loud and all the warriors cheered for her. It was not so common for a Commander to join them in fighting like this so when she did, it was deeply appreciated and very exciting for all of the warriors. Many of them had a more attentive look since they would also try to learn from her, after all Lexa was the best fighter among the army of the 12 clans. A fact proven, time and time again.

"**Commander, I…**" Octavia started but Lexa cut her off.

"**Indra is a great teacher but there is something only I can teach you. Something incredibly valued so let's start. Pick your weapon**," She said to the girl and Octavia did just that.

They had been training with wooden swords and staffs so Octavia picked two swords as she twirled them in her hands, despite her nerves, before returning to her fighting position, finally noticing the lack of weapon in the Commander's hands as she crossed her hands behind her back in her signature pose which was something everyone seemed to notice as well and was surprised by it. What was their fearless commander playing at? Lexa just continued to watch Octavia approaching her with a questioning look in her eyes.

"**You're ready?**" Lexa said looking directly at her and Octavia looked at her Commander surprised by the question.

"**Commander, your weapons**. You still haven't picked them up," She said motioning to her empty hands, but Lexa just shook her head.

"Do not worry about that. If you are ready, then start this fight," Lexa said in her calm, but powerful voice and Octavia could only nod her head before she got into fighting stance and prepared herself to fight the older, more experienced girl. On the other hand, Lexa maintained her calm posture, closed her eyes and breathed deeply before she let herself empty her mind.

Octavia was confused by the Commander's actions but decided to take the opportunity to strike Lexa with the sword on her right hand, but the Commander ducked out of the way and it missed her as she twirled around, dodging it. Octavia stepped back as Lexa opened her eyes and everyone was in awe. She just dodged a move she didn't even see coming without removing her arms from behind her. Lexa gave her a nod and Octavia got ready again, this time doing the same thing but from the left side and again Lexa dodged it like it was nothing.

"**Again**," Lexa ordered the girl and Octavia now attacked her simultaneously and Lexa continued to dodge her movements and the excitement and tension in everyone was rising. They were in complete awe of their Commander, Indra included as she was already used to the girl's unusual techniques. Lexa continued to dance away from the blows Octavia tried to deliver and the girl was getting impatient and her temper was rising and unbeknownst to her, that is exactly what Lexa wanted. She had a goal in mind, and she would achieve it.

They continued like that for a few more minutes until Lexa started to see that Octavia was acting purely based on anger and frustration from not getting even close to hitting her. Finally, she thought. With another angry cry, Octavia lunged forward with everything she had, and Lexa simply grabbed and twisted her arm, bringing Octavia's back against her front while everyone else held their breaths to what was going to happen now that the Commander has decided to strike back. Octavia tried to get out of the grip Lexa had on her, but she found she couldn't. No matter how much she tried, Lexa had her exactly where she wanted her.

Then, Lexa simply let her go with a push that sent her rolling on the ground. The commander then approached and kicked away the two swords. "**Get up and fight me**," She ordered and Octavia did just that, lunging forward with a series of punches that Lexa easily dodged before she started to thrown punches back and although Octavia was a good warrior, it was obvious she was no match to the strength, the agility that Lexa showed as punch after punch landed on her face. She tried to defend herself, but Lexa was too fast for her.

Octavia tried punching the commander again, to fight back but the only thing she accomplished was to give Lexa the perfect chance to flip her over in the air and have her back landing heavily on the ground as the air left her lungs before Lexa pushed her knee on her chest, practically crunching down on top of the younger Blake as Lexa looked at her in the eye. "**You are a good warrior, Octavia kom Trikru but as I showed you now, you are lacking in important ways**," Lexa said before she released Octavia.

"Get your wounds treated and then come find me. We have much to discuss," Lexa said to her and motioned for Lincoln to come and help his lover out of the fighting pit before she turned to some other warrior and another second, she was judging by the look in his face and extended her arm. "**You. Come and fight**," She point at a warrior who came in front of her, with fear and admiration in his eyes. She clasped his shoulders before pointing at another warrior and motioning for him to also step forward.

"Fight him." She said and they both let a relieved breath that they wouldn't be fighting her. She made her way out of there and came to stop in front of Indra while the warriors she selected started to fight each other and the others watched. Indra looked at her commander.

"**Commander. What are you planning on doing with her?**" Indra dared to ask.

"**Do not worry, Indra. I will only teach her a few things that are necessary if she wants to stay here. I will not harm your second. Much**," Lexa said with a smirk on her face before she moved past her general going back to her own tent. She had some breakfast and thought about what she was going to do with Octavia and without realizing, some time had passed and Kia came to tell her that Octavia was waiting for her.

She buckled the belt of her coat and grabbed her sword, shoulder pad and walked out of the tent and both Lincoln and Octavia were waiting for her at the bottom of the hill. "**Lincoln, go and help the hunting team and Octavia, follow me**," She gave them their orders and started walking away before she quickly heard footsteps getting closer until the girl was walking beside her. "You must be wondering why I have asked you to walk with me. Truth is we have much to talk about, you and I," Lexa said as Octavia listened.

"You are angry with Clarke and me for what we let happen in TonDC. Are you not?" Lexa asked her directly and Octavia looked at the older girl not knowing what to answer. There were certainly things she wanted to say but there was also the respect she owed to the commander now that she was officially Trikru, a battle inside of her mind which Lexa must have sensed it. "Speak freely," She said, and Octavia sighed.

"How could you have done it? How could you let innocent people, your people die just like that? How could you not protect them from that missile?" she said coldly.

"Very good. This is what I wished to discuss with you. You have never been a leader, have you Octavia?" Lexa asked her and Octavia shook her head.

"I haven't really been around people until we fell down here so, no," She said shrugging and Lexa nodded absorbing the information.

"And that is exactly the reason why you ask such questions because you are not a leader. You are strong yes, but mostly you follow someone else. Your brother, Clarke, Indra, even Lincoln. You follow and you don't understand the orders you are given so you do the only thing you know, you rebel against it," Lexa said to her and Octavia tightened her jaw.

"When you are a leader and hundreds, thousands of lives are dependent on you, and you alone, when they look up to you to tell them where to go, what to do, who to kill, look up to you to protect them and care for them, their families, their children. To win a war against a powerful enemy, you are forced to make hard decisions, decisions which you wish you never had to make, that you never thought yourself capable of making but as a leader, you do it anyway and you bear the responsibility and the consequences so your people don't have to. So, they can sleep peacefully at night even if you are haunted by nightmares," Lexa said gently, and Octavia really listened to what she was saying.

"So what? What you did is okay? Is right?" Octavia asked and Lexa shook her head.

"There is nothing right or okay about what I chose to do with the information I was given, but it was the best choice for all of us at the moment. The same way the choice of leaving your friends at the Mountain was the best choice for my people and Clarke irradiating the mountain was the best choice for hers. None of us feel good or are okay when we make those choices. But Clarke and I, we are leaders and believe me, the sacrifices we are forced to make are even greater than the ones you judge us for," Lexa said to her and stopped walking.

"She betrayed me. She left me to die there," Octavia said with pain and anger in her voice and they both knew she was talking about Clarke.

"I know, but you don't know that she is also the only reason why you are still alive." Lexa said and Octavia looked at her confusedly.

"What are you talking about?" She asked the Commander.

"During one of your watches, I ordered Ryder to kill you because I thought you couldn't be trusted with the knowledge of the bomb but Clarke somehow figured it out, stopped him from killing you and she convinced me that you were trustworthy while she also threatened me to leave you alone," Lexa told her honestly and Octavia was beyond shocked.

"I had no idea about that." Octavia said and she really didn't. She had no idea that Clarke had done that for her despite everything she had said to the girl after she learned of the bomb.

"If you think making the choice was easy for me or for her, then clearly you are denser than I believed the Sky People to be. I know you felt betrayed by Clarke, your friend, but you have to understand that the one who made the choice was Clarke the leader. You must learn to see the difference, Octavia," Lexa said to her and touched her arm making the girl look at her.

"Indra thinks that you and I have a lot in common and I think I am starting to see that as well and I know you have no loyalty to me but maybe we can start to change that," Lexa said to her as Octavia thought about it before she nodded her head.

"I think I can give you a chance, as long as you promise not to kill me," The younger girl said to her and Lexa gave her a smirk in return.

"We will see about that, now come, there is much I would like to show you," Lexa said to her and they continued walking and talking about many things and with Lexa teaching Octavia many things she needed to learn to make it in the Trikru clan.


	22. New job

New Job

The two days that they had agreed on had passed and after the emotional roller coaster that burning the bodies of the Mountain Men had been for him, Jasper was more than ready to accept the Commander's invitation and go help her and her people rebuild something that the Mountain Men had destroyed. However he knew that it would not be easy, ever since he came back, he felt like they were waiting for him to explode and if he had to stay here today, he would so he needed to find a way to leave and Wick was the only one who would help him.

So with that in mind, Jasper made his way through the station and into the engineer's workshop to find him there working on something. Jasper closed the door behind him and went to the guy. "Hey Wick," Jasper greeted as the guy looked up at him and smiled.

"Hey, Jasper. How are you?" He said extending his hand as the boy shook it.

"I am in desperate need of your help," He said with a pleading look on his face and the engineer took a deep breath.

"Man, the last time you said that, you took a gun to go hunting the Commander. I can't help you do that again," Wick said to him firmly.

Jasper shook his head. "I know, it was stupid but I don't want to kill the Commander at all. I swear," He said but the guy didn't seem much convinced so he tried another approach and hoped this one would do the trick, "Look, I know I can't ask you to trust me but I think I have found a healthy way to help me with my grief. However, this healthy and safe way is on the other side of that electric fence, so I need you to help me. I left that day with one goal in mind and that was to kill the Commander and you know what I want now?"

"I want to honor Maya's memory and sacrifice. I want to be the kind of person that she would have wanted me to be, to do what she would want me to do, to be better and for me to do all of that, I need to leave this place. It's just for the day, I will be back by nightfall, unharmed and with no war following me. Please, Wick. You're the only one I can trust to help me right now," Jasper said with all the honesty he could muster, and he gathered that Wick must have seen it for the guy finally nodded his head.

"Okay, I will help you Jasper," He said relenting and Jasper smiled, pleased that he managed to get Wick on his side for this.

"Thank you. It means a lot to me, dude. You have no idea," Jasper thanked him and Wick nodded before he went up and picked the radio to give it to the younger guy.

"When you're at the fence, radio me and I will disable it for you to get away," He told Jasper who took the radio before giving the engineer a big hug.

"Thank you so much." Jasper said before pulling back, "But I have another favor to ask, please don't tell anyone that I left and if they find out, tell them that I am doing some healing and that I will be fine and back here by night, for them not to worry or do anything stupid, okay?" Jasper asked and Wick nodded. "I got you." He said.

Jasper then grabbed his bag and made his way out of there and out of the station, he pulled up the hood of his jacket and made for the back of the fence, making sure no one noticed him before he radioed Wick who did his part and Jasper snuck out of the camp and in the direction of the river where he agreed to meet with Lexa who was already there waiting for him. She had thought about why she wanted to help him so much but the only answer she could come up with was a memory of when she was losing her way after Costia's death and Anya picked her up and helped her through it. Somehow, she wanted to do the same for Jasper which is how they found themselves in this situation.

This time, since her senses were sharp and on alert, she was able to hear him coming from a mile away and waited for him to come to the clearing and he did with a smile on his face and she gave him another one in return. "Jasper of the Sky People, I was starting to think you wouldn't come," She said as she extended her arm for him to shake which he did.

"Sorry, I had some trouble trying to get out of camp, but I got it covered so we are good," He explained to her and she nodded her head at him.

"Very well, shall we go then?" She said and he nodded before they started moving towards the forest with Lexa leading them, of course. "So, are you excited?" She asked him and he nodded.

"Very much. I almost couldn't sleep last night thinking about it. I mean, I am glad to be going with you to help, but also kind of scared? I don't exactly have a good track record with your people," He said to her and she looked at him.

"Well, I know you were speared at the border and strung as live bait as soon as the 100 fell down. But I don't know of anything else." She said and he shifted on his feet nervously not knowing if he should say it, "Hey, no one will seek retaliation for what you did. It's fine if you don't want to say it but you don't need to be afraid," Lexa said to him and he looked at her.

"You know when a woman named Anya went to talk to Clarke about peace?" he asked and she nodded. She remembered the incident from what Anya told her, "Well, I was the one who started shooting at your people." He said and she looked at him. "I know, I'm sorry but it's just that I saw them, and they had arrows and spears aimed at Clarke and I didn't want her to get hurt like I did so I started shooting but I shouldn't have…" He was saying but she cut him before he could continue.

"Jasper, breathe." She said and he did just that, "Well, you shouldn't have shot my people just like that. If Anya did not give them a sign to shoot, they wouldn't have so perhaps you did get ahead of yourself but you were trying to protect your friend and given what was your impression of us, I think many in your place would have done the same so there is no need for so many apologies. It's in the past and we must move forward." She said and he nodded.

"Thank you for understanding." He said and she nodded.

"Now, how was your return home that day? Did they notice you were gone? Did they find out why?" She asked him and he nodded his head.

"Yeah, my friend Monty put it together that killing you was what I had in mind, but I got back before they gathered a search team to get me back," He answered her, and she nodded.

"Very good. I'll assume that they thought the worst of my people," Lexa said more like a statement and he agreed. They had thought he had been kidnapped or worse, "That shows how much they care for you," She said to him and he shrugged.

"I don't know, sometimes I think they do and other times, I think they don't," He said to her sincerely and she frowned at him as they continued their track towards TonDC.

"Why do you think they don't care about you?" She asked him and he sighed.

"It's just, everyone has their thing, you know. Clarke and Bellamy are the leader team. Monty and Raven are the engineering team and so on and they all bring something to the group, they all contribute with something but I don't. I don't have any skills, like theirs or talent. Sometimes, I just think I'm a burden," He said sadly, and she looked at him.

"That is because you are focusing your energy in trying to be like them and do what they do but not everyone is cut out to be like that," Lexa said and he looked at her as she went to explain, "Take my people for example, we are mostly made of warriors but even our warriors, have other abilities that in times of peace are used for the good of the people. Some are blacksmiths, they forge beautiful weapons for us, that are used as gifts. We have farmers who plant our crops and grow our food, we have riders who find us horses, we have healers, teachers, merchants, singers, musicians, painters, even drunks," She said and he smiled at that, "What matters is that they are happy doing what they do, they like it and even the smallest of contributions make up for the bigger picture we create by working together,"

"You may think that the role you play on your team of friends is small, that is less than what Raven or Monty or Bellamy or anyone else does and yes, perhaps is smaller but that does not means it's less important or less necessary than all the rest. Each one of us have our special thing, our own special skill and it is important, even when we can't see it for ourselves, only through the eyes of others," She said to him and he nodded absorbing her words. His contribution may have been small, but he was the one who had finished changing the blasters from the dropship. He had played his part.

"We are close, come. We should be there in a few minutes," Lexa said to him as she urged them to pick up the pace and Jasper tried his best to follow her and much like she had said, in about 10 minutes, they came out of the woods to see a very large space and he could see where part of the destruction happened.

"This is where the missile hit the village, wasn't it?" He asked her and she nodded.

"Yes, they hit exactly the center of TonDC," She answered his question and he nodded.

"How are you going to rebuild with all of these rubles?" He asked her and she smirked.

"Did you think that we know nothing of construction?" She asked him and he sheepishly nodded, "Well, then let me prove you wrong. We are good builders. Not every house we live in survived the first bombs, some had to be made from scratch and with time, the techniques were being perfected so know we can rebuild from the worst of rubles if we put our minds to it. Come on, let's go. There is much work to be done," She said as she led him.

"What about your people? How will they react to my presence here?" He asked her as he noticed the stares but he didn't know if it was directed to him or to her.

"Don't worry. Indra has debriefed them that you would be joining and that anyone who harms you will face severe punishment. You are perfectly safe. Trust me," He nodded as they walked towards the center. "Master Ygor," Lexa called the man who turned to look at her and bowed his head to her in respect.

"Heda," He said greeting her respectfully and she nodded at him.

"Jasper, this is Master Ygor. He is the expert in construction in all of the 12 clans. Master Ygor, this is a friend of mine. Jasper of the Sky People," Lexa introduced them, "Master Ygor is overseeing the project I made." She said and Jasper looked at her.

"You made the project?" He asked her surprised and she nodded.

"Yes, come take a look. Give me your bag first," She asked and he did just as she asked and she put it along with her own stuff before pulling him forward towards a table that was right in the middle with a sort of map on top of it but when Jasper got a close look, he could see it was the grounder version of a blueprint and he was fascinated by it.

"You made this?" He asked Lexa who nodded her head as she focused on looking over it.

"Spent the last two nights working on it but yes, it's mine. The last village was good but it was small. This time, it will be bigger and stronger than it was before so Ygor is helping me with some of the details," Lexa said to Jasper who simply watched her in awe.

"Like this one, Heda, look, here I believe it would be better done this way because…" The master said and soon Jasper joined their conversation and even gave some pointers as well before started the hard work. The rumbles. They were removing the stone and both Jasper and Lexa went to help. They worked hard on it.

Both of them had to take off their jacket and they were left with only their inner shirt as they worked under the hot sun and the warm weather. It didn't take long for Jasper to start opening up to the helpers that were working with them and for them to give him a chance as well. They knew he was under the Commander's protection and that he was Skaikru, but they didn't know why he was there, and it was not their place to ask. However, as the times went on, he started making a few lame jokes and they started opening up too.

"So how are things going with your friends? Have you talked to them?" Lexa said to him as she passed him the rocks and he passed to another warrior.

"No, not yet. Sometimes I want to but then I remember what they did, and I just want distance from all of them, you know?" He said to her as they continued to work, and she nodded.

"I understand it and it's better to take some distance from them than saying things you may regret later just to hurt them like how you are hurting. But even when you remember what they did, go to them and talk to them. Tell them how you feel, respectfully if possible. Explain your side of things and let them do the same," Lexa advised him, and he nodded.

Lexa passed him a heavy rock and he was having a hard time holding it, his breath was becoming ragged from the strength he was using to turn around so he just walked sideways before the warrior beside him, Arryn took pity on him and moved to get it from him. Jasper fell to the ground as soon as the rock was out of his arms and the others started laughing. "**He looked like a crab, Commander. Looking red, walking like that,**_"_ A warrior said laughing and she gave a small laugh of her own at that.

"What did he say?" Jasper asked her breathily.

"He said you look like a crab. It's a red animal that walk sideways," Lexa answered him honestly with a smile on her face and he chuckled at the joke.

"Well, thank you very much for the compliment," He said to the guy who started chuckling. "How did you grab that thing like it was a feather?" He asked Lexa who shrugged.

"Heda might look fragile but she is stronger than many warriors I have seen," Another warrior said out loud and Jasper nodded his head rapidly at that comment.

"Yeah, I think I just witnessed that first hand. Damn girl. You rocking them muscles," Jasper joked and everyone around them started laughing.

They worked until late in the afternoon before Jasper had to say goodbye and Lexa brought him back all the way towards the clearing which they met earlier. "Thank you for everything you are doing for me, Commander. I appreciate it. Today was very good and I had fun. Thank you for helping me," He said to him and she nodded.

"It was my pleasure, Jasper. How about we meet again, same time tomorrow morning?" She asked him and he nodded saluting.

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am," He said to her before he left back to camp and so did she.

Once back in his camp, Jasper went straight to his bedroom and threw himself on the bed, sore and tired form a day's work but feeling very satisfied and accomplished and as he closed his eyes, almost drifting off to sleep, he could see he saw Maya's face smiling down at him as if she was acknowledging what he was doing and encouraging it. That is what it felt like and he hoped he was on the right path for that, to help others and to be better for Maya, for his people, for his friends, for his family and especially for himself.


	23. Perhaps friends

Perhaps Friends

A week later, Lexa woke up very early in the morning as usual. In the time that has passed already, Lexa and Octavia have been spending a great amount of time together whenever Lexa was not busy with the construction or with her Commander duties. And when the young girl wasn't training with Indra, she was following Lexa around the camp. It's weird to think but somehow, they had come to an understanding about each other they didn't have before this short period of time they had spent together. Lexa has also been helping Octavia understand more and more how things are done on the ground and why.

It wasn't easy for Octavia to grasp the reasons for some of the choices that leaders are supposed to make or to open up a little to Lexa and trust her but after the first interaction between them she had decided to do it, to give her a chance, especially since she was to be her Commander and now she was learning to see things from a different point of view. As for Lexa, she has seen the potential Octavia has and decided to help the girl discover it and harness it as Lexa believed that she could be an even greater warrior than she already was.

They have also been training together early in the morning every day. Obviously, Octavia still hasn't been able to hit Lexa even once, but she is trying, persisting, not letting that put her down. Something that Lexa admired in the younger girl was her perseverance, even when she fell down repeatedly, she would get back up ready to have another go. That was an important skill to have as a warrior. As for her people, they have been getting better and stronger by the day, something that made her heart and mind sigh in relief. They would be okay.

Of course, they have lost some of the people that were rescued from the Mountain, people whose situations were really critical and there was nothing Nyko could have done to help save them. Their bodies were burnt, and the families were notified, but in the end, the majority of the rescued has survived and therefore in Lexa's eyes, that was to be considered a victory. And overseeing them and their recovery is exactly where Octavia found her Commander as she watched her people with a faraway look on her face as her thoughts ran all over the place.

She was lost in her thoughts when she noticed Octavia coming behind her even without turning around to look. She smirked. The girl didn't give up in trying to catch her by surprise, no matter that all her attempts as well as this one has failed, she seemed to find it a challenge. And that persistence was more impressive as it was amusing. "You will need to do better than this to catch me off guard," Lexa said just as the girl was about to attack and Octavia sighed.

"Really? You know what I am starting to believe?" The girl said coming to stand beside Lexa who had an amused smirk on her face.

"What is that?" Lexa asked her, curious to what the girl would say.

"You must have eyes on your back. No joking. I'm serious, there is no other explanation," Octavia said seriously, and Lexa let out a small chuckle.

"I do not have eyes on my back. However, learning to always be aware of your surroundings is a skill that someone in a position of power like me must master it as soon as possible since it can be the difference between life or death." She said and Octavia hummed.

"You had to use it a lot?" She asked the older girl and Lexa nodded her head.

"Especially at the beginning of the Coalition, when I didn't know who was friend and who was foe. It came in handy when the assassins came to kill me in my sleep. Too many times," Lexa explained, remembering a few of those times, and Octavia nodded.

"Impressive." She admitted and Lexa smirked, at the awe in the girl's voice.

"So, what brings you here?" Lexa asked as Octavia smirked.

"I was wondering if you would like to spar with me since we haven't done so yet today," She spoke, and Lexa looked at her shaking her head.

"You are something else, Octavia kom Trikru," Lexa said chuckling out loud and Octavia nodded her head.

"Damn right, I am," She said confidently, and Lexa turned to her.

"Very well. Lead the way," Octavia nodded, and they started the familiar path to the clearing they have been using to train. It's far away from the village and gives them privacy to train and talk as perhaps, friends? Something they have been doing a lot these past couple of days.

At first, Lexa felt some kind of resistance from Octavia to talk to her but slowly she was letting that go talking about her life on the Ark, how her brother took care of her, how she met Lincoln and Lexa was also talking to her about things that happened to her, her years as a second, stories about Indra and so on. As they trained, Lexa had the upper hand, obviously. She could see and she knew that Octavia was a smart warrior, but she was still too rash, and Lexa told her exactly that as she helped the girl to her feet.

"You are not thinking enough," She said as the girl looked at her panting.

"What?" Octavia asked Lexa confusedly and the older girl just smirked.

"In a fight, when you let your emotions get the best of you, you die. You must learn to control them, so they are not a hindrance to you. Right now, you're getting frustrated that you can't win and your moves are letting me know that. You're letting me know what you are going to do before you even make the move. To fight, you must use your emotions as fuel but you're in charge of how high and in what direction the flames will burn," Lexa said to the younger girl.

"Is that what you do when you fight?" Octavia wondered and Lexa nodded.

"I have to. I am smaller than my warriors, if I don't use my intelligence, they will kill me. The same thing goes for you, you can't let your emotions cloud your judgment and rule you or else, you're dead in a second." Lexa explained, Octavia nodded as she seemed to be wondering if she could say something, Lexa could see it in her face and so she sighed.

"Go ahead and ask me what you clearly seem to want to ask by the way you are fidgeting," She said dismissively, and Octavia turned to look at her.

"Is that what you did in the Mountain? Ruled your emotions instead of following your heart?" She asked the Commander and Lexa tensed at her words but decided to answer.

"Yes, like I said to Clarke, I made that decision to leave the Sky People behind with my head and not my heart," Lexa said, as she clenched her jaw a little.

"Because your heart would have chosen Clarke?" The younger girl asked, and Lexa looked at her trying to hide her shock.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Octavia," Lexa said dismissively, but Octavia only chuckled at the poor attempt to deny what was clear to see.

"Oh, come on. You're in love with Clarke, I know. I have seen you two in the same room. A sword could cut the sexual tension between you two," She said chuckling and Lexa sighed.

"Yes, my heart would have stayed with Clarke." Lexa said, deciding that denial would not get her anywhere in this conversation, besides it wasn't like Octavia would put either one of them in danger with the information.

"How the hell did that happen?" Octavia asked as she smiled trying to put the Commander more at ease and Lexa sighed.

"I don't know. It just happened. The moment she entered my tent that day, I just felt there was something special about her. That we had a connection. I could see her, really see her as she could see me," Lexa said as she remembered that moment. She would never forget that moment when she looked up to the most beautiful blue eyes, when she heard the most beautiful voice and saw the most beautiful woman she had ever seen, despite all the bruises.

"And through the days, the more time we spent together planning the attack, the more she started to see me too. The real me, not just the Commander but Lexa. She helped bring back to life a part of me that I had denied for so long and brought hope back into my life, and all of that and the person that she is, all of it made me admire her and most importantly, made me fall in love with her," Lexa said as she thought about the girl with sunshine in her hair and the sky trapped in her eyes that have captured Lexa in a way no one has ever done before.

"Are you serious?" Octavia pondered in awe of the Commander's choice of words to describe a bit of her feelings for her blonde friend.

"Yes, I am very serious," Lexa answered her, nodding her head as Octavia frowned for a moment as she contemplated something, and Lexa could see that. "What is it?" Lexa asked and Octavia looked up in doubt if she should say it. "I'm here as your friend, not your Commander. Go ahead and say it," Lexa said and Octavia nodded.

"If you are in love with her, why did you abandon her at Mount Weather?" Octavia asked her the question she had been thinking about for a while, ever since she put two and two together in relation to the Commander's feelings for Clarke.

Lexa was not surprised that was the question but answered it anyway, "Because my duty to my people has to come before anything, even my own life which is why despite what I feel for her, I did what I did. Because it was the right thing for my people and that is a burden I will always carry. You see, Clarke and I are leaders and we understand each other, understand what it means to be a good leader, the decisions we must make and all of that but there is a difference between us that she does not understand yet," Lexa came closer to Octavia.

"She has other people to count on, to depend on to make the choices with her. She has your people's forgiveness if she makes a mistake. She could even leave them if that's what she wanted because there are others that can do the job to lead them for her. There is no one that can do my job except me. I am only one person who has the lives of thousands others resting on my shoulders and mine alone," Lexa explained as Octavia listened.

"I must rule with wisdom, strength and compassion because one decision from me and the lives of everyone can be altered, which is why what I want for myself is irrelevant in the face of what my people need. As a person, I am irrelevant. My wants, my needs, my wishes, it does not matter, not one bit. I am what my people needs me be. I give what my people needs me to give because if I don't, chaos and death is what awaits them and I will not let that happen,"

"So that is why what I feel for Clarke did not change my decision in the Mountain and never would have. However, I did hesitate for a couple of seconds before I was able to give them my answer, something I had never done before. Especially not in crucial moments like that and I only did it because of my feelings for her, so believe me if I say that what I feel for Clarke is stronger than anything I have ever felt before for anyone, even if I betrayed her," Lexa finished her explanation and Octavia was awestruck.

"Wow, that's deep," She whispered, and Lexa smiled a little.

"It is," She said as she nodded her head in agreement.

"So, since your feelings for her are so strong, I am assuming you plan to tell her about it sometime soon?" Octavia asked and Lexa chuckled as she looked up.

"She already knows about my feelings. We kissed before we received Bellamy's signal before the battle. She told me she was not ready to be with anyone, not yet. But now, after my betrayal at the mountain…" Lexa drifted off and Octavia picked up.

"The not yet might have turned into a not ever," She understood the situation and Lexa nodded sighing a little dejected.

"Exactly, and I don't blame her for that. I knew the second that deal was presented to me that taking it, which is what I knew I had to do, would cost me any chance with her in that way or in any way, really. On the positive side, at least I know where I stand with her at the moment. She can barely tolerate my presence," Lexa said as she turned and walked towards the water canteen they had brought.

"But it is not too late." Octavia said as she went to Lexa's side as the older girl turned to her with an incredulous look on her face.

"What do you mean is not too late?" Lexa asked and Octavia took a deep breath.

"You can still win her back. If I know Clarke enough and despite everything, I think I do, she cares about you a lot, which is why the betrayal stung so deeply. It makes perfect sense now. Anyway, what I mean is Clarke is a forgiving person, it's in her nature to give people second chances. It's both endearing and infuriating but that's just Clarke's best definition," Octavia said and Lexa nodded, agreeing with that statement.

"I know but it doesn't matter right now. What I did in the Mountain ruined my chances and even if it didn't, right now wouldn't be a good time for me to even try and have a relationship with her, if it would ever be. I will be leaving for Polis soon enough, the distance is better, believe me. Things are the way they are supposed to be and will stay that way and you know what?" Lexa said and continued before Octavia could speak up, "I have to go to TonDC to help with the construction, do you want to join me?"

"I see what you did there, trying to change the subject. I'll let it pass this time and yes, I would like to go. I still haven't seen how it's going," Octavia said, admitting momentarily defeat on the subject but silently promising to bring it up again.

They grabbed their thing and made their way back to camp to get properly dressed before they went on their way to TonDC. As soon as they got there, an hour and a half later, Octavia was surprised by how much had been done in just one week of reconstruction. There used to be a huge crater and rubbles where the missile had hit the village, but now it wasn't there anymore. The ground was being leveled, making it plain again and the rubbles were being used to start the building of the houses as the village was looking even bigger than before.

"So, what do you think?" Lexa asked the younger girl as she watched the whirlwind of emotions that were on display on Octavia's face.

"It looks amazing," The younger Blake said with awe in her voice.

"I did what I had to do to win the war, but I never planned on leaving my people without being properly taken care of. TonDC is the heart of Trikru and deserves to remain steady and standing, always. Which is why I am rebuilding it to be even better, stronger than it was before," Lexa said with pride in her voice. Octavia nodded her head, agreeing with her and was about to say something when she noticed someone in the middle of the workers, and it took her no time at all to recognize who it was. Jasper.

Octavia looked at Lexa in surprise and shock and the Commander only gave her a small smile before she started speaking, "Jasper came to me in a moment of need and given how I can understand his situation, I offered him a chance to help us rebuild the village."

"Do the Sky People know? Does Clarke know about this?" Octavia asked her, knowing that this could be a potentially bad situation for everyone involved.

"Why don't you go and ask him? And take the moment to relax a little and spend some time with your friend. I am sure he will be pleased to speak with you. Go," Lexa ushered her forward and Octavia wasted no time before she moved towards the place where Jasper was and Lexa watched as the two friends were reunited, hugging each other tightly with big smiles plastered on their faces and she was prod to see that indeed, work has been good to Jasper and maybe Octavia's presence was exactly the last piece he needed to fully take advantage of this time to let himself heal. Lexa then turned around and moved to go help her people as well.


	24. Responsibilities Again

Responsibilities Once Again

A week has passed in the newly named Arkadia. It had been Kane's idea to change the name after all, Jaha was alive and on his way to this City of Light last he heard of. Clarke didn't know very well about that, after all she had been too preoccupied with dealing with the grounders by the time he left along with Murphy and given the fact that they lived on the Ark, she thought it was a good name to reflect their past and their future. Besides, she didn't exactly have the best track record with the man responsible for her father's death, so she was definitely on board with the name changing decision.

As for everyone else on their small settlement, it had been a very busy week. Bellamy was officially made a guard, a high ranking official and even received his newly reformed jacket. Clarke could see that he was quite happy about it. Bellamy was a protector by nature and now that Octavia was gone to make a life for herself away from him, he needed something else to fulfill that place in his life and their people was the perfect choice for that and she was happy for him. After everything he did for them at the Mountain and even at the Battle on the Dropship, he deserved to be recognized for it and Clarke was glad Kane did that for him.

As for Raven, not long after being released from the MedBay, the mechanic delved into work with renewed disposition and would be seen working and joking around with Wick. Clarke made sure to stipulate that she could only do that if she attended PT with the blonde 3 times a week and of course, at first, the brunette protested and missed the first session but when Clarke gave her a fright when she threatened to have the brunette cut off from work, Raven readily started coming and they would use the time together to talk about everything and anything at all, actually enjoying the carefree time they spend together and despite her initial reluctance, Raven had to admit her leg was much less painful now than it was before.

Clarke wasn't used to helping patients with physical therapy, she had truly never done it before but from the data Monty was able to get from Mount Weather and from what she already knew, the blonde was able to create a routine of exercise for her friend to do with her leg and hip to lessen the pain and discomfort. Clarke was trying to help her in any way she could which was something Raven appreciated a lot and told her so. Clarke was also studying her situation closely along with Abby to see if with the technology in Mount Weather, there is something that they could do for the girl to help reverse the damage to her leg.

For Monty and Jasper, things seemed to be going fine from what Clarke could gather during her talks with Monty. She would see the young engineer almost every day since he worked with Raven and Wick. He was always there when Clarke would go to get Raven for their session, so they talked to each other a lot too. But Jasper, Clarke hadn't spoken to him much, in fact she barely saw him during the day. She would maybe catch a glimpse of him in the morning or at night but that was all. However, about three days before when he passed by her, he gave her a small smile and she considered that a victory.

For Clarke though, things were quiet. She was usually either helping her Mom in MedBay, working with Raven for her PT, with her friends talking or in her room drawing. She was taking some time away from the spotlight of leadership and now that there was peace with the grounders, she felt she could be more than just a leader and she was enjoying that very much. It had been good to help her deal with her own problems. She still had nightmares every night but there was some variation to them. Some would be bad, some would be better, some would be longer, some shorter and so on.

Another thing she would seem prone to do these days was to sit down against the metal structure of the station outside and just think about Lexa. She tried to get the woman out of her heart and out of her mind, but it seemed that the more she tried, the more the brunette engraved herself inside of Clarke's mind, her heart, her soul. After some time, she simply gave up trying to fight it and would just let her mind wonder around the brunette. Clarke was losing count how many drawings would be started with her in mind and would end up taking her form or would be somehow related to her. Today was no different.

Clarke was drawing the back view of Lexa, her braids were particularly difficult to draw, and she was so absorbed by her drawings that she almost didn't notice someone sitting down beside her before she looked up and saw that it was Kane with a soft smile on his face. His friendship was a pleasant surprise, he was taking the role of the cool Uncle who she could talk to when she thought she couldn't talk to her mom or her friends and she was thankful for that, besides he was the only one who knew about the connection between her and Lexa.

"The Commander?" he asked motioning to the drawing and she nodded.

"Yeah, the more I draw her, the more shapes and forms I think of to draw her more. No matter how much I try, I can't seem to stop it," Clarke answered honestly.

"I can understand that. It must be the same reason why there is not one place you go that the book doesn't go with you," He said motioning to the book sitting on her lap, the one Lexa gave her. Clarke looked at it before shaking her head.

"I just can't see to let go of it. Of her," Clarke said more to herself than properly to him but he smiled at her words, nonetheless.

"Maybe there is a good reason for that and you are just not ready to admit it yet. Which is okay and completely understandable," He said to her and she nodded her head.

"Probably, but you didn't come here to talk about my conflicting feelings so what is going on? Is it something with my Mom?" She asked him and he sighed.

"Not exactly. Your Mother is a good Chancellor and she is doing a good job, but the council is proving the be difficult. They are not adapting so easily to the ground and the new rules so I am afraid something bad will come from that," He said to her and she nodded at him.

"That is because they are old people who don't like change. When they would think about coming to Earth, it would be empty and it would be just like in the Ark but that was not the case and they don't know what to do so they do what they know best which is be a bunch of douchebags," She told him honestly and he chuckled nodding his head at her words.

"Yes, more or less, I would say they really are douchebags, as you put it. So, what do you think we should do about it? I don't have the first clue how to solve this issue. I was hoping you could shed some light on the subject for me," He said looking at her and she sighed.

"The Young have inherited the Earth, Kane. Adapt the council to the young people as well. Bellamy, Raven, Monty should be a part of it, they know more about this place and how it works than those idiots and they could really help you and mom do things right for our people," She said to him and he seemed to think over her words before he looked at her.

"You are probably right and I will talk to your mom about it, but if I put them in the council then I want you to be in charge of External Relations, meaning dealing with the grounders," He said firmly to her and she was shocked.

"Me and Lexa working together again? You're crazy, Kane. I can't, I really can't. Besides, I need some time away from leadership. The last time I took on the role, it took something from me I don't think I will ever be able to get it back," Clarke said to him sincerely.

"I know and I am not asking you to give that time up or to do something that you don't want to do but between all of us, you are the only one the grounders have some sort of respect for." He said and she shook her head.

"You were the one who brokered the truce with them. She asked for you, specifically remember? That has to count for something," Clarke reminded him.

"Yes, she did but that choice was made only because she was afraid of what your reaction would be given what happened between the two of you and we both know she was right in thinking that asking for you to come and discuss the truce between our people could potentially be a bad idea," He said pointedly as she looked away.

"Clarke, you know she trust you more than any of us and not just because she likes you in a romantic way but because she sees how strong and what a good leader you are for us. You are the perfect choice for the part. Can you imagine your Mom doing business with Lexa? How that would turn out?" He said and Clarke shook her head. It would be a disaster. Her mother was getting better at recognizing the younger people in authority, but she was not ready for the hurricane that was Lexa when she was in Commander mode.

She knew Kane was essentially right. If it was to deal with Lexa than she was the best one amongst their people even because she knew how to deal with her already. Even if their feelings for each other were messy and all kinds of complicated but, above all of that, they respected each other so it was a better outcome and Clarke found herself sighing and nodding her head at Kane and replied, "Okay, I accept the post."

He smiled, very happy she said that, "I am glad and very thankful for that Clarke. However, I am afraid that I already have a mission for you, in regard to your new position on the Council."

Clarke turned and looked at him in bewilderment, "What?!" She asked him.

"Well, during the meeting today, it was decided that we needed to map out the surrounding areas as well as search for any remaining of the other stations. We know for certain that 4 stations were destroyed during reentry but we were only able to reunite with 2 others so we need to check to see if there are more. For that, we need to have the Commander's permission to roam her lands and I am sorry to ask you so soon but the faster we start, the faster we can get them back if they are still out there," He explained and Clarke understood his reasons.

"You want me to go right now?" She asked him and he shrugged his shoulders.

"It would be best because we could start sooner but that is up to you," He said and she nodded looking ahead and thinking of her decision before she looked back at him.

"I will choose who comes with me," She demanded pointing a finger at him and he nodded.

"Of course, you're the boss," He joked raising his hands in surrender and she smiled at him before he stood up and offered his hand pulling her up too, "Thank you for being so understanding, Clarke."

"You are right. I know how to deal with them, it's better than my Mom or another council member trying it and ruining everything in just one meeting. Besides, honestly, it was taking too long before something like this happened, anyway," She said shrugging her shoulders and he nodded before pulling her for a hug.

"There is a reason why we depend so much on you and it's because you were born for this, Clarke. It may be hard but it is a part of who you are." He said and she nodded chuckling.

"Lexa said the same thing to me once," She told him as she tightened her arms around his waist, and he chuckled patting her back soothingly.

"I hope that is because great minds think alike," He said pulling back and she nodded before she went back to her room to put her drawing and the book in a safe place and once she grabbed her jacket and walked out, she passed by Raven's workshop.

"Hey, Griff," The girl called out and the blonde stopped on her tracks before going inside.

"Hey, Ray. Guys," She said greeting them back and they nodded at her.

"Going somewhere?" Raven asked her and the blonde nodded.

"Kane asked me to go to the grounder camp and ask for the Commander's permission so we can map out the areas around us and search for the other stations," Clarke explained.

"Really? And you're going? You sure about that, you know after everything that went down?" The mechanic asked, worried for her friend and Clarke nodded.

"I have to. If our people are out there, we need to find them without starting a war with the grounder, so yeah. I am sure," Clarke simply replied to her and the other girl nodded.

"Okay, if you say so. Hey, can I go with you? I could really use a trip right about now, besides I'm the only one who knows how to drive the rover so you need me, " Raven said to her like a kid and Clarke smiled, she had not thought of that.

"Well, that would be good. Anyone else would like to volunteer for this trip?" She asked and the two boys raised their hands and she chuckled, "Then, let's go. We still need to find Bellamy," They all left the workshop, walking towards the exit of the station.

When they walked out, Bellamy was already there waiting. He approached them, "Kane told me about your little mission. He thought you would want me to go with you as your guard," He said to them and Clarke nodded.

"We were actually going to look for you but since you're already here, we can go immediately. Raven is driving the rover," Clarke said and he nodded as they went to where the newest addition was and got inside. Raven was in the driver side and Clarke was beside her with the boys in the back. Raven turned on the engine as Clarke smiled, she had not been in it before.

"You guys ready?" Raven asked and they cheered before she started the car forward and out of the fence and into the wild. Clarke was having fun and so was everyone else, but she could not help and be nervous. It has been almost 2 weeks since the Mountain battle and since the last time she saw Lexa however that would change in just a few more moments. She wasn't sure how she would feel seeing the brunette again, but she knew it was going to be an adventure, in and out of itself. She could hope they could still work together.


	25. Meeting Again

Meeting again

"How do you guys think they will treat us? We won't be in any danger, will we?" Wick asked them as they continued driving towards the camp under Clarke's directions.

"No, according to the truce, if we don't attack first, they won't either so we should be safe," Clarke explained to the guy who nodded. She understood his nervousness, after all it was his first interaction with the grounders.

"Yeah, focused on the should," Bellamy mumbled, and Clarke turned to look at him.

"Bell," She said warningly as he turned his head and looked at her.

"What?" He asked the blonde playing innocent and she shook her head at him.

"Don't make me regret bringing you with us. The reason I accepted doing this was to avoid someone from the council or my mom disrespecting the grounder and the Commander and ruining things for us so do not be that person." Clarke said to him and he sighed.

"Clarke, they betrayed us. Left us to die in that Mountain, you are going to tell me I have no reason to mistrust them to keep their end of the deal? Again?" He asked her, waiting for her answer and she shook her head.

"You have reasons to feel that way, yes." She said agreeing with him before she continued, "I just don't want you to express that opinion when we are there asking for safe passage for our people or else, things can get really ugly real soon and none of us want that, do we? Do you?" She said and he shook his head as did the other two boys.

"Exactly, now I know they screwed us over but in the end, both sides survived and secured the return of their people so we need to let that stay in the past if we want to have any hope of coexisting with them in the foreseeable future so relax," She said to him.

"I know. It's just, we have been fighting them since the beginning and the one time we try to trust them, they betray us. I mean, it's almost like a sign that maybe we shouldn't trust them at all. That we should stick to our people and ignore them." He said and Clarke sighed.

"Maybe but that is not a good way to deal with things. Yes, they did all of that, but we were no saints either. We took more than our share of lives on their side. More than they did on ours so we can't judge them based on that. There were deaths on both sides. We can't be hypocritical and forget our share of the blame," Raven was the one who answered him.

"I mean, Clarke and I burnt 300 warriors alive. Jasper and I made the bomb that exploded the bridge with grounders on it, killing God knows how many. They have reasons to be distrusting of us too so the only thing left to do is to meet each other halfway so we can live in peace, right Princess?" Raven said and looked at Clarke who smiled at her and nodded.

"Perfectly said, Mechanic," Clarke agreed and they chuckled.

"Maybe you guys are right, but I will still be on my guard if you don't mind me," Bellamy said begrudgingly, and they nodded.

"You're our escort. You should be on your guard," Raven said to him and he bumped the back on her seat and she chuckled before she called out, "We're here guys," Raven said and they could see the grounders on alert as they noticed the strange vehicle coming towards them. Raven stopped the car and they looked at Clarke.

"Look, they know me so I will get down first and then when I give a sign that is safe, the rest of you get out of the car. Got it?" She said to them and they nodded. Bellamy begrudgingly so.

Clarke opened the door and jumped out from the car, closing the door and raising her hands in the air, "It's me, Clarke of the Sky People. We mean you no harm," She called out as she appeared in front of the car and she saw the warriors whispering to themselves before they looked back at her and nodded. She turned to the car and motioned for them to come out and so they did, and her four companions joined her.

"Wanheda," One of the warriors said but none of them knew what that meant.

"I'm here to talk to your leader. It's urgent." Clarke called out and the guys nodded, motioning for them to follow him and Clarke was the first one to do so.

"They didn't ask for my gun," Bellamy commented out loud and Clarke nodded.

"This is a war camp. They expect people to have their weapons so giving it up will not be required." She said as they passed by the camp, not avoiding the stared and some cries of Wanheda directly at their blonde companion.

"What does that word mean?" Raven asked and Clarke shrugged her shoulders.

"I have no idea, whatsoever," She said as she mostly ignored the stares, much like she would do with her own people and just focused on the task ahead. They stopped in front of a tent and the guys turned to them.

"Wait here," He said before going inside.

"Wow, they are very scary up close," Monty said in a small voice and Clarke smiled at him.

"Some are, others not so much but their looks are impressive really," Clarke said looking around and noticing that some were still too skinny so it must have been one of the rescued.

He was working, smiling and she smiled in return seeing that happening here as well. It was a beautiful scene before her mind was brought back to the moment by the appearance of no other than Indra who came to stand in front of them.

"What are you all doing here, Sky Girl?" She said as politely as she could manage.

"Hello Indra. We would like to speak with the Commander, it's a matter of urgency for us," Clarke answered her question and waited.

Indra looked at her for a while before answering, "The Commander is not here right now."

That sparked Clarke's curiosity. Where would Lexa be at this time of the day if not with her people? She was about to ask if the Commander was okay when they heard a familiar voice.

"Bellamy," They turned in the direction of the voice and saw Octavia coming towards them with Lincoln behind her. She went straight to her brother and hugged him.

"O," Bellamy said against her shoulder and she held him tightly.

"I missed you, big brother," She said to him and he chuckled staying like that for a few more moments before pulling back from the hug to finally look at her. Her outfit was completely grounder now and he could see how she was proud of it.

"Are you okay? Have they been treating you nicely?" He bombarded her with those questions and Octavia answered all of them before they finally got to the reason why they were there.

"The Commander isn't here so we can't speak with her," Bellamy told her and Octavia looked at Indra and they seemed to talk with their eyes before there was a sigh from the older woman and a nod from her. Octavia turned to them.

"I know where the Commander is. I was going there with Lincoln just now. If you want to come with us, I could show you?" Octavia explained and offered to them.

"That would be amazing, Pocahontas. If you could lead the way." Raven said and Octavia smiled before turning to Indra.

"**I will keep an eye on them and Lincoln will keep his eyes and ears on the others, don't worry**_,"_ Octavia offered her and the woman nodded in agreement.

"Very well, now go. The Commander should not be kept waiting," Indra replied. Once she turned around and walked away from the small group, Octavia motioned for them to turn back towards the way they came from.

"So, you're full grounder now?" Monty asked her and Octavia nodded at him giving him a small smile.

"Yes, I am part of the Woods Clan now," She answered the boy who nodded.

"Have they hurt you in any way?" Bellamy asked her.

"Only in training but anything past that the answer is no," She said to him as they came to where their truck was and where there were now two horse waiting for them, "That is your ride?" Octavia whistled in awe and asked.

"Yeah, you like it? Pretty cool and most importantly, pretty fast," Raven answered, bragging about it and the younger girl nodded.

"I liked it, but I still prefer Helios so how about I make you eat some dust?" Octavia said in a challenging tone as Raven looked at her, determination burning in her eyes.

"It's on, Pocahontas," Raven said and moved towards the driver side.

"Follow me and I will take you where the Commander is. Raven, try to keep up," Octavia said mounting her horse as the others nodded and went back to the Rover, same arrangement. Raven turned on the engine and Octavia kicked her horse forward and soon enough they were in high speed racing through the fields.

"Show off," Raven whispered to her before she said it again out loud for them to hear and Octavia chuckled before she motioned them to follow her towards the right for a few more minutes before Octavia pulled the horse to a stop.

Raven did the same and turned the engine off as they saw Octavia and Lincoln to get down from their horse and passed the reigns to the warriors who were there. The Sky people decided to do the same, so everyone got out of the rover and walked towards them.

"Are you guys hearing this?" Bellamy asked as they could hear some type of sound coming and the others nodded while the two grounders just smiled before Clarke noticed something. A plate on the entrance as it read TonDC. She was surprised and turned towards Octavia.

"What is this?" Clarke asked her and Octavia shook her head.

"Any questions ask the Commander. Now, let's go inside," She said motioning towards the forest and Clarke rejoined her friends before she agreed, as they started walking through the path that had been made in between the trees. The sound was becoming louder.

"Is that music?" Raven asked as they looked at each other before they looked ahead and were shocked with what they were seeing specially Clarke. It was TonDC, or at least where it had been once, but it was looking completely different. She could see that they were rebuilding it as they were already some building being raised from the ground and there were people walking around with rock and what not.

"Welcome to the new TonDC," Octavia announced watching their faces.

"What is this, Octavia? What is going on?" Clarke asked her.

"TonDC. Hey. Isn't this the village that was hit by the missile?" Raven asked also shocked by what she was seeing as the new grounder girl nodded.

"Yes, but now that the Mountain is gone, Heda decided to rebuild it from the scratch so the builders from all over the Coalition has come to help," Octavia explained to them.

Clarke was feeling a lot of things at this sudden and shocking turn of events. She had felt so bad for letting the missile drop on all of those people, destroying the viallge and killing 250 of their occupants but at the time, she knew that they didn't have a better choice to make in that particular situation. It was either that or the Mountain would have found out about Bellamy sooner and everything they accomplished would never have happened and who knew how worse it would have been? But still, this was all a lot for her to take in.

"Where is the Commander?" Bellamy said bringing all of their attention back to the task they came here to do, including Clarke's.

"This way, come on," Octavia said knowing that this was not the only surprise they would have in this visit. As they walked further into the village, the music got louder.

"O, how is this music being played so loud?" Bellamy asked his sister.

"There is a speaker playing the songs," She explained as they arrived near the destination and she pointed towards the big speaker which was blasting the music.

"Wait, I recognize that," Wick said stopping on his track as they all looked at him.

"How?" Raven asked her friend who looked nervous.

"Jasper asked me to help him build it about four days ago," He answered her.

"Jasper? What does Jasper have to do with this?" Monty asked but before Wick could answer, they heard his familiar voice as they looked in front of them and saw Jasper come out of one of the buildings and sing very loudly to the song that was playing as the grounders around him were either chuckling, laughing or singing along with him.

"What is he doing here?" Bellamy asked and Clarke was beyond shocked. She had no idea Jasper was with the grounder, she was feeling very confused.

"O, what is going on?" Monty asked seeing his friend, singing and dancing.

"Remember when Jasper left your camp to go and find the Commander to…" She avoided saying the word, but they nodded understanding what she was hinting at.

"How do you know that? You were not in camp." Raven said and the girl nodded.

"He told me. Well, it turns out, he did find her and did try to you know but apparently, the Commander recognized who he was and started talking to him and was able to convince him to not do it. During their talk, she offered him a chance to come and help with rebuilding the village as some sort of healing therapy and he accepted. He has been coming here for the past week," She explained to them who were beyond shocked.

"So, he has been sneaking in and out of camp to come here to help the grounder at Lexa's own invitation?" Clarke asked, trying to make sense of everything she heard, and Octavia nodded.

"Yes, he has been using this as a way to heal and to let go of the pain. And as you can see, it has been helping him do that," She said as they looked back at him while he continued to sing and started playing with the other warriors. Octavia motioned for them to walk closer and they did just when the song ended and in time to hear the others talking to him.

"The Sky Crab thinks he knows how to sing," One warrior said jokingly.

"Hey, I know how to sing, ugly face. But I bet you don't." Jasper said indignantly to the warrior who chuckled at him.

"I'll have you know I am the best singer of my village in Trishanakru." He said and Jasper crossed his arms over his chest, puffing it.

"I doubt it." He said defiantly and the guy turned towards the building they had been working together.

"Heda, tell the Sky Crab. You have heard me singing before. Am I good or not?" The guys said and Clarke's heart started beating faster when she heard the guy call for Lexa.

"Jeremy speaks true, Jasper. He is the best singer of his village," Lexa's voice carried out and it did things to Clarke's body that it shouldn't, but the blonde couldn't ignore. Meanwhile, the guy, Jeremy seemed to be in the clouds with her compliments before she continued, "But that's because everyone else is just too bad to even count," She said and finally walked out of the building and all the air was knocked out of Clarke's lungs once she saw the girl. It was too much for her. This was a very bad idea.

Damn you, Kane.


	26. DIscusiions and Demands

Discussions and Demands

It was a terrible idea and why that was? Because Lexa was wearing was black pants and boots, she seemed to have a belt around her hips that was full of tools and she was only wearing her bra. No shirt, whatsoever. With her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. She was looking too sexy, all sweaty and dirty and Clarke's mind went straight to the gutter and how could it not when Lexa was looking like a sexy goddess? Clarke's heart and pulse were working faster than she even though it to be healthy or even possible but there was nothing she could do. Not to mention the pool that seemed to be forming in between her legs at that heavenly sight.

"Heda," Octavia called out and when the brunette turned towards the sound of the voice calling for her, her eyes immediately got locked to Clarke's. To say that Lexa was surprised to see Clarke there was an understatement, but the girl was looking so beautiful. Even more beautiful than she remembered, and Lexa's own heart started beating faster in reaction to the girl. They were many feet away from each other, but Lexa could feel herself getting lost in a pair of beautiful blue eyes and she had to remind herself that she had a duty to overlook.

"What are they doing here?" Jasper asked lowly as he came closer to her without her even noticing it, thanks to the blonde's presence.

"I don't know. But I think I am about to find out," She said as she saw the group coming towards where the two of them was and Clarke and Lexa finally came to be face to face. They were both trying so hard not to check the other one out but neither could help letting their eyes roam the other's bodies before they settled on each other again.

"Welcome. This is most certainly a surprise to receive your visit," She said politely.

"This visit has been full of surprises for us too," Clarke greeted her back just as politely and looked at Jasper who was still by Lexa's side. The brunette noticed it as well as his discomfort, so she decided to help him out.

"Jasper, can you do me a favor and get me my shirt? I believe I left it inside there somewhere," She asked him a seemingly innocent request, but he looked at her gratefully and nodded before he disappeared inside the building before Lexa turned to the group.

"So, to what do I owe the honor of your presence here?" Lexa asked them as she crossed her arms and Clarke could not help but notice two things about the brunette girl.

One was the tattoo she had on her right arm that Clarke had never seen it before, it was beautiful, just like everything else about Lexa was. And the other thing she noticed and for the sake of her sanity she wished she hadn't was Lexa's abs. She knew the girl had an amazing body, but this was too much for her. She wanted so badly to run her hands on it and just to feel the other girl's hands and lips all over her and so the same to her to a point where Clarke would consider locking them in a room, forever, away from everyone else and their demands.

"We came here to discuss an important matter for our people," Bellamy said abruptly and Clarke focused away from those thoughts before she didn't something she should regret.

"What is it?" Lexa asked interest to know what they could possibly want to discuss with her, and this time, Clarke was the one to answer.

"We would like to start mapping the areas surrounding our camp and also search for the other stations containing our people that were thrown in different territories, see if we can find survivors and for that we need your permission so there won't be a problem between our people, " Clarke explained the situation and Lexa nodded.

"Well, as long as your people abide by the terms of the cease fire Kane and I came up with, then there is no problem. You have my permission," Lexa said to her and Clarke nodded.

"Thank you," The blonde said.

"You are most welcome," Lexa gave her a small nod in return.

She was trying very hard to control her urges. Seeing Clarke like this after so many weeks wishing for nothing else was almost like torture for her, so close yet so far apart. However, she knew that the blonde wanted nothing to do with her and was only here to discuss business arrangements for her people so Lexa knew she needed to keep this conversation professional so she used all her self-restraint she could muster to do just that and luckily it seemed to be working. At that moment, Jasper came out of the building and handed her shirt back as she had asked of him and she thanked him before putting it on.

And in that moment, Clarke noticed something else she hadn't paid attention until now. There was a wide gash in the brunette's lower stomach, as well as another wound near her hip that was forming a scar and Clarke could see that it was a recent wound. Did Lexa get hurt during the battle against Mountain Men or did this happen afterwards? Was she okay? Clarke wanted to ask her more than anything, but she thought better than to do that. She couldn't show that she cared about the older girl's well-being. She needed to appear like she didn't care at all.

"So, you have been sneaking around and coming here, you little shit?" Raven broke the silence as she talked jokingly to Jasper who nodded.

"The Commander invited me to help so yeah," He said shrugging and the girl nodded.

"Why did you invite him?" Bellamy asked Lexa who looked at him seriously.

"I thought it would be a good outlet for his anger and that it would help him get better. I believe I have been right so far, right Jasper?" Lexa said to the boy who nodded and smiled at her before turning back to his friends.

"The Commander and her people have been helping me a lot. I like working here with them." He said and Lexa squeezed his shoulder before looking at the group.

"I am sure you have many questions, but I believe you can ask them in a later time." Lexa said before she continued, "For your request, my permission simply will not be much since the rest of my people doesn't know of our agreement so I am afraid we will have to go back to camp to get you a written agreement so that you may search for your people without fear of misunderstanding," Lexa called for a warrior. She warned him that she would have to leave and would probably only be back the next day, but that the construction should continue on the same pace and he nodded before he left.

"Jasper, will you be coming with us? Or will you stay here and go directly to Arkadia?" Lexa asked him and he seemed to look at her for direction, but she simply smiled at him letting him know either way worked for her.

"I think I will come with you," He answered and she nodded before she turned to the others.

"You can follow us to camp," She said and walked forward passing through them, in particular Clarke. When Lexa was passing her, it was like time seemed to slow down as the brunette looked at her before she continued moving forward as Jasper followed her and Clarke was left with her heart beating fast. She wondered if Lexa was feeling the same way and she most certainly was. She didn't do it on purpose, she simply moved to walk past them but when she realized Clarke was the one she would need to pass by, she didn't back down.

Jasper came to her side, "How are things going to be now for me? Do you think they will let me come here?" he asked her, and she looked at him and smiled encouragingly.

"If they don't, you come anyway. People here they like you, Jasper. Sky Crab," She said and they both chuckled at the nicknamed that seemed to be stuck with him now.

"Yeah you're right. They can't stop me," He said but she warned him.

"Yes. But be careful and don't do anything that could hurt you or others. Fight with your mind, not with your fists. Be smarter," She said to him and he nodded as he looked behind them and could see the group of Sky People following and talking among themselves.

"You helped him again, Wick? For real?" Raven was saying and the guy nodded.

"He told me that he found a way to heal that didn't hurt him or anyone else and he asked my help to escape camp and when he came back, he was actually smiling and seemed to be happy so I thought why not keep on helping him? I didn't know he was coming here but if he is feeling better, why should I stop him?" He said defending his ass and Raven shook her head.

"Because it's dangerous to be around these people. They could hurt him and make it look like an accident or something," Bellamy said.

"Look at him," Wick said pointing at the guy in front laughing along with the Commander and greeting some of the warriors, "He is friends with the Commander and your sister seems to be here too. I think it's more dangerous to keep him in camp than to let him come here." Wick said and Monty agreed.

"He is right. Jasper is happier, we should just let him be. I don't want to lose my best friend to his pain and if help the grounders helps him deal with it in a healthy way, who are we to try and stop him?" Monty said and high fived with Wick.

"We will talk about Jasper later, for now we focus on what we came here for," Clarke said ending the conversation as they came out of the village and saw Lexa get up on her horse and Jasper do the same on another before they both took off and once her friends and herself were in the Rover, they just followed them much like they had done with Octavia. And soon enough, they were back in camp.

Lexa and Jasper got off of their horses and they got out of the rover and entered the camp going towards her tent, getting inside. Clarke looked around and it looked the same as when they were sharing it together, memories started flooding into her mind, but she pushed them back, she needed to focus. Lexa sat down on the table and pulled out a piece of paper and started writing on it. "I didn't know your people knew how to write," Bellamy said quite sarcastically, and Raven elbowed him as did Clarke.

Lexa didn't even raise her head before she replied, "I didn't think you believed my people were better than savages and animals so that doesn't surprise me." She said to him and Jasper chuckled as he moved forward to grab a cup of water for himself.

"But answering your questions, yes, we do know how to write both in your language and on our own but in times of war, we don't use it much." Lexa said as she continued to write.

"So, you have books and stuff like that?" Monty asked her curiously and Jasper answered him.

"Of course, they do Monty. The Commander has a full ass library in the capitol, right?" He asked Lexa who nodded her head at him.

"Over the years, many scouts scavenged old buildings, houses, any place and brought to Polis, our capital, whatever they could find. Including old maps, books of all kinds and similar things," She answered still writing.

"I though your people would have found another use for it. I don't know like burning them to make fire or something like that since I didn't think they could understand what was written anyway," Bellamy said ironically again as Clarke looked at him and whispered to him.

"Bellamy, what the hell are you doing? Stop it right now," She said to him and he was about to reply to her when Lexa spoke out loud and they turned to her.

"'It_ was the mark of a barbarian to destroy something one could not understand_**'**" She said, and Clarke swallowed down because she knew that quote and from what book was from. Lexa looked up from the paper and straight at her as if daring her to deny the connection the brunette was making with the gift she had given her.

"That's a quote from Arthur C. Clarke, isn't it?" Raven asked the Commander and broke the spell that Lexa seemed to have cast on her.

"It is indeed," Lexa said still looking at the blonde who refused to look at her again before she went back to writing and soon enough, she finished it. She used as sigil and closed the document before she stood up and extended the document to Clarke who took it.

"If you have any problems with my people, just given them this, it should help you dissolve any misunderstanding," Lexa told them and Clarke nodded pulling it back. And this time, she was the one who dared Lexa to beak their eye contact.

"We should be going back now. Thank you, Commander," Raven said receiving a nod from the woman and the others nodded and moved to walk out but Clarke stayed rooted in place.

"Clarke, let's go," Bellamy said but she shook her head.

"I will be with you in a minute. Go on," She said frowning her eyebrows and Lexa titled her head as he looked at her before nodding and walking out of the tent leaving them alone.

"Are you going to tell me what do you wish to speak with me about?" Lexa asked as she fully turned to Clarke who got a better look at those muscles before she remembered why she was there.

"I want to help rebuild TonDC." She said surely and caught Lexa by surprise.

"You want to help rebuild TonDC. Why?" Lexa asked and Clarke nodded.

"Well, we both know we are responsible for what happened so I would like to give it back what we took from them. Why? Is it so hard to believe that I feel bad for what happened?" Clarke said as she crossed her arms and Lexa managed a small smile.

"No, it is not hard at all to believe that, Clarke. I just didn't think that you would want anything to do with me and my people after what happened," Lexa said to her as Clarke shook her head.

"I don't want anything to do with you, Lexa. As for your people, I have nothing against them," Clarke said sarcastically.

"Very well, you must want something in return for the help. What would it be?" Lexa asked her and Clarke shook her head in denial.

"I don't want anything except the chance to right a wrong." Clarke said and Lexa sighed.

"Clarke, you know we did the right thing. If the Mountain Men had known about the spy…" Lexa was saying but Clarke interrupted her.

"You are the lasts person I want to talk about Mount Weather with. And frankly, I don't want to talk to you about nothing except what I said. So the only thing I want to know is if you will allow me to help rebuild TonDC? Yes or no?" Clarke said and lexa sighed she knew that Clarke was too hurt to even be ready to listen to her and she would have to respect that. But maybe this could be their opportunity. With Clarke coming to help her people, they could get closer again and Clarke could forgive her or at least not hate her as much and with time they could even mend what could have been.

So with that in mind, Lexa nodded her head, "Yes, you can help my people," She said and Clarke nodded, relieved she would be able to atone to some of her sins.

"Well, good then. When can I start coming?" Clarke asked as she had noticed that people were still weak o it was likely that nothing had been sorted out in regards of that.

"Well, nothing will start being rebuilt at least until another week has passed though I can't guarantee it. So, when we do start building things, I will send a message for you and you can come the next day. Does that work for you?" Lexa asked and Clarke nodded.

"It works fine for me, so I guess my friends and I should get going. I don't want to take any more of your time," Clarke turned around but once again Lexa reached out and grabbed her arm and turned her back towards her and looked her in the eyes.

"You don't have to go yet," She said as she stepped closer, "Stay, please." Lexa said and even without knowing, Clarke found herself leaning in without breaking the eye contact.

It was like every time she looked into those green eyes, she forgot everything else and all she could focus on was those eyes and those lips and things she shouldn't be thinking about, but she couldn't help it. The pull she felt towards Lexa was stronger than anything she has ever felt before towards anyone and she couldn't resist it. But unfortunately, the moment was interrupted by Kio warning that a sky person was asking for Clarke which completely broke the spell. Clarke regained her senses and pulled away from Lexa before turning around and quickly exiting the tent without looking where she was going causing her to bump against a chest that belonged to Bellamy.

"Princess, you okay? She did something to you?" He asked but she shook her head.

"No, I just need to get out of here." She said breathless. What was about to happen in there?

"Well, that's exactly why I came to get you so we could leave. Kane should be worried about us by now," He said to her and she nodded.

"Yeah, let's go," She said as she let him lead her to where Jasper and Monty were waiting. But as much as she tried to she couldn't help herself and turned her head to look once again at the tent at the exact moment Lexa came out of it and she quickly turned around and shook her head as the 4 of them exited the grounder village and started on their path back to Camp Jaha.


End file.
